Condition Not Critical, Apparently

So here I am, essentially DROWNING, in a depression that has carried on far longer than a year and my current med regime is barely managing that (the Wellbutrin increase has done nothing to help with the crippling seasonal issues still in play due to the cold rainy weather)…And my shrink’s office calls the other day to tell me the doctor will not be in on the day my appt is scheduled later this month so they are putting me with the nurse practitioner.

WTF? That is as good as saying, “Meh, you’re not doing so bad, you don’t need an actual doctor.”

No offense to the nurse practitioner. I know many of you I speak with have gotten your visits and meds from psych nurse practitioners. This is just…a first for me. And because I have had only ONE mental health day in ten days in which I wasn’t essentially on shut down due to the weather enhanced depression…I’m feeling pretty dismissed here, logical or not.

This comes after the doctor twice informing me during our epic 15 minute long visits that all my years on the dreaded Seroquel have left me with a tardive dyskinesia thing of my lips. I never noticed it and it was never picked up on at the other place where I got stupid Seroquel and as inept as they were, they actually did do the testing for it every three months. So now he drops this new condition, a gift from my ‘fixes nothing but gives your more problems’ pills, and says he’s very excited about a new drug still being tested that in six months he wants to give me if the data is good…to fix the tardive dyskinesia twitch. The one I didn’t know I have or don’t even care about because HELLO, CRIPPLING CLINICAL DEPRESSION THAT HASN’T ABATED MUCH IN OVER A YEAR!!!!

I am let down, frustrated, and honestly after last night’s political vote on killing the ONLY good parts of so called “Obamacare” and the good old boys’ celebrating with a beer party the fact that they’re essentially punishing women as being female is a pre-existing condition, being mentally disordered essentially means you’re not entitled to care, period and should probably just be shot so they can have a damned Cristal party afterwards…I’m ranting. These are scary times. I despise discussing politics and besides, my views aren’t really a secret. My father is pretty much Trump minus the tan and money, that mentality is just universal and I don’t care what political party it belongs to. It needs to die in a fire.

The fact that I was okay in my former political ignorance but am now drawn into it because the powers that be me managed to make it uglier and more evil sickens me. Healthcare should not be some hot button, it should not be considered a luxury, having ovaries shouldn’t bar you from free choice, and oh, THEY STILL WANT VIAGRA COVERED BECAUSE A STILL PENIS FOR GROSS OLD DUDES IS WAY MORE IMPORTANT THAN MENTAL HEALTH CARE OR CARE FOR FEMALE CONDITIONS.

Just makes me even uglier to talk about it.

And the sky is falling in my personal corner as well because R apparently got his new dream job but wants to keep the shop going thus..I’m the whipping boy expected to sit and occasionally deal with a person with an actual brain but mostly go into a coma or rage due to idiocy and oh that thing where being in the dish around people totally renders me function-less. For smokes and to buy my kid’s school pictures. Stellar. And to add to my punishment I woke at 3:30 a.m. in a panic still traumatized from being at the shop on Wednesday for 7 and a half miserable hours with my kid there due to early dismissal…I haven’t been able to write. My sleep is fucked up. I have stress heart burn that won’t go away.

I am not doing well.

But that’s okay, throw a nurse at me right when I need to try a new anti depressant especially with my long history of bad reactions and side effects. This is gonna totally help me. Insurance people might have a beer party because nurses cost less than the shrink, I suppose. Hell, maybe this will be one of the world’s little twists where the nurse is more competent than the doctor. It’s deviation and I am feeling weak and I don’t like it. And not really being given a choice other than waiting six months to see the actual doctor…Makes it worse.

And this is BEFORE they’ve managed to upend what tiny bits of decency were in the original ACA. Does anyone know how truly screwed we are?

IF I were in a non depressed non seasonal affect place, this all would annoy me, piss me off a little, maybe even make me want to jump in the ring and maybe sign some petitions or join a march against all this ignorance and idiocy. But because I am mentally sick (yes, SICK, like the flu, food poisoning, Lyme disease, all those non fatal things that still render you unable to function properly and the world gives you a pass because it’s physical, but mental sickness, pfft, doesn’t exist.)…I am coming unhinged and feeling scared and vulnerable and uncertain and I can practically hear Trump in my head telling me I really should just kill myself because soon he will be so powerful he’s just gonna kill all the mentally ill anyway.

Sounds crazy and irrational, doesn’t?

BING BING BING, we have a winner. I AM MENTALLY SICK.

Fortunately I am also a sarcastic bitch with a morbid sense of humor so even while Trump is whispering at times…it’s totally the SNL Alec Baldwin version. So accurate and not really over embellished. Funny douchey Trump in my head I can live with.

And for the record, I am not gonna kill myself for anyone. I’m holding out in hopes all my meds and side effects do it for me.

I’m doing that ‘being a dreamer thing’ wrong, am I? Frick.

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One Response to “Condition Not Critical, Apparently”

  1. I have to say that I’ve never been politically active until Trump came along. Now it feels like swimming upstream. But it’s worth fighting for when you have the energy to do it.

    As far as R is concerned, if he wants to keep his shop open let him pay someone to run it. It’s not your job and it’s hurting your mental health. Fuck him

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