Weathering The Depressive Ether

The most common (ignorant) misconception about mental illness is that we get to choose how we feel. Nope. We may have the choice of how to cope with how we are feeling but even that is hindered by the very chemicals that cause us to be imbalanced. So it really angers me when otherwise kind, intelligent people have this misconception. One does NOT choose to feel depressed and if you are too ignorant to get that through your head…Bite me.

I’m not even sure where that came from. Maybe because even the damned counselors that are supposed to understand and help us believe it.

The last couple of weeks I have NOT had a choice in how I am feeling. My mental state is so tied into the weather, I’ve been locked in the depressive ether for ten days straight. Minimal functionality, no hope in sight. I trudge forward because for whatever reason my body refuses to die and let me escape my own fucked up brain…It’s grueling, though, day after day, not being able to break free of depression’s grasp. No matter how much I bully myself…It is what it is. And the meds keep me from going manic or postal but they do not combat the weather that my mental well being is so dependent upon.

This week I got hit with menstrual dysphoria in addition to 3 days of gloom and rain and cold. I keep thinking,it’s April, maybe soon I can turn off the heat, save on the heating bill…Nope. Mother Nature tells me to fuck off. Yesterday was the worst day so far and I knew it would be when I looked at the weather forecast the night before. Dark, cold, pouring…I even warned my kid she might need to poke me with a stick to  get up and fix her hair for picture day.

I was not wrong. I accomplished nothing, though I did write over twenty pages. But I just felt drained and dismal and nothing was making that cloud go away. I even groaned when R showed up because my stupid SAFELINK phone hasn’t been delivering my texts til hours after they were sent so I was caught unaware and I don’t like feeling ambushed with company when I don’t want it.

(I got his message at 11 a.m. this morning, along with 6 others my sister sent TUESDAY NIGHT, WHAT THE FUCK SAFELINK????)

Today started out dismally even though the rain had let up and the sun was peeking out at intervals. I got my kid to school, came home, and didn’t even have a smoke. I went right back under the covers, for my oompa loompa ovary squeezers were all Marquis de Sade. Pain does not make me want to be awake. So I dozed till 11 a.m. knowing R wanted to have lunch and have me watch the shop while he ran errands. (Groan.) But I am gonna need the goodwill for the muffler installation and so I went…

Fortunately, I did not have to stay for M and D showed up. Yay. I went to the store for cat supplies and came home. Got a little housework done. (I hate vacuuming, and oh, yeah, I hate housework, too.) THEN I got  a call from the fucking CENSUS BUREAU.  Oh, I didn’t mind so much when dealing with the people without accents whom I could clearly understand. Today I got saddled with some lady who had such a thick accent (and my phone’s sound quality is shit) so I couldn’t understand half of what she said. All the while thinking, this bitch is wasting my talk time, ffs, which will cost me money if I have to buy more minutes. Twenty fucking minutes and I finally said, is this gonna be over soon? And she said, just ten more minutes.

I went menstrual and yelled at her for wasting my minutes and hung up on her.

Such a pain in the ass and I’m sorry, I know she was just doing her job, but when I agreed to participate 4 years ago, I was told it was only for one year, then they wouldn’t call anymore. LIES!

Kinda like a couple weeks back I got completely bullied by CLEARVIEW ENERGY and their door to door salespeople who obviously get kickbacks for convincing people to switch for every time they come around, they have to point out 14 OF YOUR NEIGHBORS JUST SWITCHED OVER, DO YOU WANT TO BE LEFT OUT ON THE SAVINGS? I switched only because they promised me local supply so no out of state taxes but Clearview lies consistently enough I have a feeling I will switch back to my old supplier after one bill. Then Clearview, whose own people say state law prohibits them from suing me for early contract termination, will sue me for early contract termination. I just hang up on those assholes, too.

(Why does my post look funny? Touchpad moved on something and now it’s all weird, fuck.)

Yesterday when I picked my kid up from school, my normal route was under road maintenance so we were diverted right back to the parking lot of traffic while parents and their cars blocked the road to fetch their kids without getting their lazy asses out of the car. Is it really worth a ten minute road block to avoid a few steps??? I park away and walk across the street to get my kid to avoid that mess and ended up right in it. And I was in panic mode, swearing up a storm, impatiently needing out of there and unable to think clearly no matter how much I waved the rah rah mental pompoms telling myself “you got this.”

So shitty fucking week. Couple in a row, yayness.

One moderately entertaining thing, tho a little scary too, was the neighbor’s irritating satan dog got loose, pulled up the yard stake and was running loose with stake and chain in tow…then he came in my yard and got caught up in my kid’s bicycle and was dragging it up and down the road. I finally went out and tried to detangle the bike, all the while this dog is growling at me. FFS, I hate those neighbors and I dislike that dog. If your dog is strong enough to break free and haul a bike around by his chain…Maybe it shouldn’t be near a neighborhood filled with children.

Trailer park people and their need for vicious growling Pit Bulls and Rotweillers baffles me. Okay, you’re a badass, whatever. Feed your dog you moron, no one gives a fuck if it’s so hungry it can kick another dog’s ass.

Yep. I am grouchy. And I am out.


One Response to “Weathering The Depressive Ether”

  1. I like rain…
    I’m English so we are depressingly wired to love bad weather, otherwise we might just commit mass suicide in the form of getting really bad colds on purpose!

    I do agree about the whole ‘not choosing how you feel stuff’, but so far I have a web of lies and cover ups to conceal the truth and avoid awkward conversations

    But telling people ‘I’m better but not perfect’ or ‘I was ill, but I’m getting better’ etc etc is bloody annoying… “My body, brain and soul are trying to kill me in the most horrid ways and I still have to exist around people” doesn’t carry the same pacifying effect!

    As I always say, lie through your teeth

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