Ambient Noise

Day 5 of my kid being home for spring break. I’m ready to rip out my eardrums. She never shuts up. The.Noise.Never.Stops. I am not equipped for days on end of a barrage of constant babble, questions, and demands. Am I the worst mother ever? Could be. I just don’t see why ANYONE needs to fill every moment with chatter. And no matter how many talks I have with her about giving me a few minutes quiet…It does no good. Trying to write with her home, at least before she finally goes to sleep around 10, has proven damn near impossible. I can’t watch a 22 minute TV show without ten interruptions, let alone focus enough to write.

And I try to include her because we have certain shows we both like. Big Bang Theory, The Middle, Superstore. 20 minute shows (if that) and she says she wants to watch but still…Constant jabbering. In her room alone with the droid? Still, constant noise. There is not a single place I can go where I can’t hear her noise. And throw in the neighor’s “put out 5 times daily” barking dog that sounds like something the band Goatwhore would put out…

ARGHHH.

I try to give my kid some leeway because it’s not her fault her mom’s super sensitive to noise. But there comes a time when even the most patient adult would beg for ten seconds of silence.

It hasn’t helped that it’s been gray, cold, and rainy all week. Can’t have her play outside, can’t take her to the park to run off the hyperactivity…just trapped indoors. And the weather has made my mood pretty low even if I have managed to do a little writing and housework. I just feel embalmed, and my demanding needy child makes it worse.

I am sure I sound monstrous. I don’t care. I want the world to grasp what life as a single parent with a chemical imbalance is like. If you want well rested shiny happy “children are the future, worship at the alter of the snowflakes” you’re screwed. And if other parents, even chemically balanced ones, were willing to be honest, they’d probably admit…They too get worn down by the noise and demands and never getting any credit or thanks. And sometimes even downright derision.

Earlier when I asked my kid why she constantly makes noise for me  but the school says she is so quiet…And she said, “Well, they’re working, they need me to be quiet.”

Low blow from a 7 year old and not the first time she’s made reference to me not working.

Like I don’t feel shitty enough.

Earlier I was thinking, 5 more days and she will go back to school. Except they have spring break this week and in two weeks, they will have 4 days’ Easter break. I’m really not getting much of a break prior to school getting out.

It pisses me off because my writing cycles have ALWAYS gone from fall to spring. Now I am just starting in spring which means I could write all summer except I will have interrupting cow home 7 days a week. (No, I am not calling my child a cow, I just like the old kid’s joke.)

“Why have a child if all you do is complain about the noise?” I am sure some will ask.

Honestly, I never saw myself ending up with such an extroverted talkative child. I mean, hello? If genetics don’t count, what about nurture? I thought if nothing else she’d learn to converse only when necessary by nurture.

I love my child. I am happy she is nothing like me because as comfy as I get in my little bubble…It can be a lonely place at times. And not lonely in the sense I want a crowd around me, but lonely because I’m not even equipped to reach out to one person when I need to lean on someone.  I did it in the past only to land on my face and now, I can’t do it at all. I was cripple by those face plants.

It’s good my kid is nothing like me to an extent.

Sometimes, I wish she had a better mother who would delight in the noise.

Of course, it cuts both ways cos I could, at times, stand a child to be introverted and quiet.

We don’t get what we want or what we can handle. It is what it is.

Complaining about your kid is not the worst you can do.

Abandoning them to make your life simpler is the worst you can do.

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4 Responses to “Ambient Noise”

  1. I’m glad you’re venting about it here and being honest. I completely feel you. I just left class presentation at my kiddo’s school where parents and other classes mill around looking at the children’s projects. I honestly wanted to stay the whole hour, but after getting jostled and bumped about two dozen times, it was time to get my hat. Blowing up would not have been beneficial to anyone. I listened to my son’s presentation, visited six or so other booths, made a paper basket and a tin foil bowl, and that was quite enough, thank you very much. It’s fine if other parents stay until the last bell rings. This one needs to go recharge before the kiddo comes home for the day.

    You’re showing up for your kid. You’re sitting with her, including her in your shows, being with her during break, even telling her honestly what you’re feeling and needing regarding quiet. She may not get it today, but you’re building her emotional vocabulary. This will serve her well in life, and it may actually pay off for you too.

    Just not today. Which sucks.

  2. Oh dear Jesus, “dona nobis pacem.” (Latin for “give us peace.”) Maybe if you served up some grounded flying spaghetti monster with meatballs and sausage she would quiet down, at least while the mouth was full. I love her too, but duct tape springs to mind. “what color tape, mommy? Mum! Mamaa!! … And I just realized, I’m not giving you any peace either, while pinging in on all your blog articles. Sorry. I love you and hope we both can have some moments of peace to enjoy. Shutting up now. ❤ , DM

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