Cold Day In Hell

Okay, technically, I don’t live in the ninth circle of Hell as I like to sarcastically joke. However, the midwest, during winter, is a lot like hell minus the flames and warmth. Sixteen degrees this morning and still I managed to drag my ass out of bed and feed the spawn breakfast and get the car warming up. Not that gloves or any of it helped. I still can’t feel my fingertips.

I am already exhausted.

Though I must admit, if I must wave my rah-rah positive attitude pom poms, today started out better than yesterday.

Yesterday was return to school day after 12 days fo Spawnmas break. UGH. 12 days I at least got to lay in warm fort blankie til 8 a.m. Now we gotta be out the door by 7:45? UGH UGH UGH. Fuck this daywalker shit.

The first thing to go wrong was I opened this laptop and got BLACK SCREEN OF DEATH. Instant panic and what the fuck. I did a hard shut down, restarted, still it was FUBAR. Finally it said an update went awry, did I want to try start up repair. Um…DUH. So while that was going…

I figure I will mosey out, get the car started and defrosting, all that jazz. HA HA HA. After a warmish snap in the forties for a week, it suddenly dropped to ten degrees overnight and ALL FOUR DOORS WERE FROZEN SHUT. Unfortunately, my driver’s side door handle snapped when I went to open it, thus is no half hanging there and occasionally works as it should if I cajole it just the right way. YAYNESS! To fix that the entire door will need to be disassembled by someone who knows how NOT to mess up the wiring to the power windows.

It’s a wonderful life! Not.

I eventually got the passenger front door open by banging my hip against it repeatedly. Crawled in that way. Had the kid ride up front, which is a no no, but we were running way late and besides this old heap doesn’t have airbags. (I really don’t get the coddling of children these days, yes, protect them and all, but kids survived 100s of years in horse drawn buggies and front seats of cars without all this protective gear! Do Amish people have to install seatbelts in their buggies to haul snowflakes around?)

Maybe I am just seething because I made my kid wear gloves today and she screamed DUMMY at me three times. If she’s gonna be rude, I’m not gonna be coddling.

Things with R are in a shit spot right now. The man won’t back off and leave me alone no matter how much I point out my mental state. God knows he points it out enough, I can’t even have a night to tell him  I don’t want company and he accuses me of being pissed off.  Oh, and immature. Which brought me to point out, wait, let me lose at a game of Pac-Man and throw and smash my phone then I can be mature like you! Because, yes, folks, this 54 year old man first smashed an iphone, then a droid, because HE LOST AT ON LINE POKER WITH NO REAL MONEY AT STAKE. And it’s okay because he got mad. Yet no emotion I have is ever real or authentic because I am a histrionic woman and of course, mental and irrational at all times if saying anything he doesn’t agree with or want to hear.

He continued text bullying me last night about coming into the shop today. I told him I already made plans. Then he demanded to know what. I asked him what he needed. He responded with, “Is it too hard? No. Will I buy you lunch and put gas in your car? Yes.” Hmm…Always with the financial side for him. As if depression gives a flying river dancing fuck about money or hygiene or even the will to live. He said come in Friday. I said I’d try but no promises because I tend to be failing at promises these days and I don’t want to make him more irate by failing again. Then he returns with, “we’re cool, just come in and let’s get it done.”

It saddens me to say that this man, who I used to absolutely adore in spite of his “needs its own zip code” ego and self absorption, has not emotionally grown an iota in 20 plus years. He is the same self involved ignorant jackass he always was. If anything, he’s devolved into this misogynist racist asshole. Thus  voting for Trump and all the republican cabinet that basically wants to stick women back in the kitchen birthing babies and cooking dinner.

I just can’t handle it anymore.  His lack of understanding and support are bringing me down which are the last things I need. But even telling him to fuck off does not get him off my back more than a day or so and when he does reach out, it always with absolutely blame on me for being irrational and he is the victim of one more hysterical woman. I think tomorrow I might appear, do his bidding, then present him with a nicely type letter of resignation as his whipping post. Though it’d truly hurt to sever ties with Mrs. R, I really like her. I’d like to think she’d not take sides cos she knows what an ass he is, but she is also so smitten with him and he paints everything his own way…I don’t hold out much hope I’d get impartiality.

In other news…

I saw my shrink Tuesday. And I think I am losing my mind because I am CERTAIN he once told me he would not give Wellbutrin to someone with my level of anxiety as it would worsen it…Now he wants me to try it. WTF? I even brought the up the very magnetic therapy he mentioned last year and now suddenly it’s, oh, there’s no proof it actually works and insurance won’t cover it…

Is it possible I am delusional and making shit up? Makes me want to record every visit because I really don’t think I am so far gone I am making shit up.

He did shock me at one point when he said, “Do not ever feel I am tired of you or giving up on you. I see how you look and are feeling right now and it makes me think of how bad it must be for you to live it.”

EMPATHY? FROM A DOCTOR??? Invasion of the body snatchers?

He went on to say, “You are so smart, I can’t imagine that this is what you want for yourself. You should be working, but you can’t until you are stable.”

Ya think?

At least I know should a disability review arise, he’d be on my side but still…Talk about salt in the wounds. I’ve lately been having dreams about returning to work and excelling yet even in my dreams…I crash and burn. Disability is the only stability I’ve ever had,inasmuch as keeping a roof overhead and the power turned on. Now that I have a kid, it’s more crucial. Betting on my own stability long term is about as stupid as it gets. I know because a few years back I got all cocky during a stable period, started looking for work (no one wanted me, of course) and I was all set to set the world on fire. And then the meds conked and I came crashing down no matter how hard I tried to stick to routine, avoid my old bad behavior, etc. Would working make my self esteem better? Of course. But unless the work pays enough for me to keep a roof overhead AND afford my psych care and meds and I can maintain it long term…self esteem is overrated versus your kid having food.

He brought up therapy again. I tried to explain how the last therapist at that place got me so confused after only two sessions and labeling me borderline when not one other therapist or doctor over 20 plus years agreed I had more than a trait or two in that category. He suggested I attend the group sessions they have for borderline. Um…I wanted a support group for depression/bipolar. It was a clusterfuck trying to tell him this because he thought I was failing to take responsibility for my personality flaws.

And again I didn’t mention how this place had done something to make me feel my confidentiality had been breached, then the whole Ursula (R’s eldest with the psychology degree) working there and me having been witness to her breaking confidentiality and referring to a call back client as “that bitch”. Because in this small town…I can’t even anonymously complain or it’d come right back to me then I would truly be in hell.

Life in a small town can be comfortable, but often…it feels like a perpetual strangle hold, cutting off your air supply.

I guess now I will shut up because this became a very long post but after days and days of not being able to string together a single sentence on the page…I had to spew venom. Get it out.

I will leave on this note. Hulu has a new show starring Hugh Laurie (Dr. House) as a psychiatrist. I watched a couple of episodes and while I wasn’t entirely focused or enthralled…I was moved by one part where the doctor was informed of a former patient’s death. It reeks of truth the entertainment industry often glosses over and society dismisses.

“It is with deep regret I inform you, (former patient) recently lost her battle with depression and took her own life.”

Anyone else find that a beautiful piece of script work because it rings so true in the mental health community?




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