The Enigma That Is Bipolar Depression

Hollywood, to an extent, has glamorized bipolar disorder, inasmuch as portraying only manic episodes or screaming semi psychotic episodes. While there may not be much entertainment in months long depressions, it is a part of what bipolar axis 2 amounts to. Throw in seasonal affective depression and it’s an even less entertaining but no less real.

The other day, be it hormones or whacked out brain chemicals, I simply could not bring myself to function beyond the bare minimum. Child and cat care. I risked a friendship because I simply was not in my right mind.

Yesterday I was forced into functionality to make sure we had food and my kid has xmas gifts. My mood wasn’t great but I was functioning and I wasn’t in menstrual pain anymore. I even went out for food and drinks with Mrs. R in the evening while my kid was at my mom’s.

Today I am functioning, not feeling too awful, but also…nowhere near optimal. It’s a resigned sort of peace. Knowing a couple more days and this helliday nonsense will be over. For another year, at least.

So I burned some bridges this week, took my lumps, came to amends.

No matter how many years I  battle bipolar depressions, I never really come to understand them. I know the signs, the  lows, the distorted thoughts. I just never understand what “triggers” it.

Because society insists there be a trigger, be it lack of sunlight, poor diet, lack of exercise, the stars aligning with satan’s pentagram, whatever…They even have mental health programs that teach “self discipline” for bipolar sufferers.

I don’t even know what to do with that.

It’s flies in the very face of the disorder. NONE of us would discipline ourselves to be vulnerable to highs or lows. We fight with all we’ve got. We take the crappy meds. We talk to professionals til we’re  blue in the face. We try to structure our lives into some semblance of order in spite of our chaotic brains.

Self discipline? Akin to telling a diabetic to “think” their blood sugar into the appropriate level.

I am not saying we are not to take any responsibility and let our disorder ravage us. But if our disorder really is a disorder…how much control are we actually in when required to take medication?

I dunno. It’s a conundrum. Wrapped in a riddle.

What I have come to realize is that, my moods determine a lot of my actions even when I fight  them tooth and nail. Especially the menstrual dysphoria that turns me into practically a whole different person. Its impact has become destructive yet doctors and society treat is as one more thing to suck up.

It is so destructive that every month I end up feeling like a monster for the 10 days I am plagued with pms then actual shark week. When my reactions are all wrong, too many tears, too much anger, lack of ability to function outside  my bubble. People get the wrong idea, think I am cold and unfeeling.

Yet I am watching this show where this utterly horrid man was killed and only ONE person bothered to attend his memorial. ONE person. Maybe it was karma, and yeah, it’s fiction…But I feel badly for him. Even I could probably muster a half dozen mourners.

So if I am able to feel empathy for a character who I otherwise found repulsive…I think whatever distortions I am subject to…my heart is still in the right place. Even when my head is up my ass.

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One Response to “The Enigma That Is Bipolar Depression”

  1. You are a beautiful soul, but you look really funny with your head there. How did you do that!? And so sweet as to grieve when no one came to the jerk’s funeral. Shades of Eleanor Rigby-

    For me, I imagine a funeral where a thousand people come and say, “Yeah he meant well, but Deon was a complete ass.” “Agreed! Let’s drink to that!” I hope they throw a party because life is hard, so why not? But then, I won’t be there, so they can say whatever truth they feel is truth. I’ll be smiling from the afterlife and having the oldest, smoothest single-malt scotch ever, hopefully waiting for friends to eventually join me. 🙂

    You know I’ll always love you, no matter what.

    ~Deon

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