Erosion Of Self Esteem

Tough past few days. Weather turned real cold, dealing with family usurping me as a parent, depression nipping at my heels…The Bad Thoughts visited. The ones telling me how worthless I am, how my best isn’t good enough, how my kid would be better off without me.

I shut them out best I could. It’s not easy.

What is most irksome is that I generally feel pretty secure in my parenting. UNTIL my ass trash family chimes in. Then they plant all these seeds of self doubt, pointing out everything I do wrong, everything I did wrong (dad brought up how annoying I was to him when I was Spook’s age, which is hysterical cos he was a long haul trucker we saw maybe two days a week)..Stepmonster chipped in, doesn’t like the way my kid’s clothes smell (I can’t afford Gain right now, sorry the dollar stuff doesn’t reek like fields of flowers.) Mom griping that I can never stick around, always have to hurry off…

And my brain, meanwhile, is screaming I AM DOING THE BEST I CAN, YOU IDGETS, CUT ME SOME FUCKING SLACK! I am the one of them who has raised a kid totally alone. What do they know? And I am doing it with little money and a plethora of mental health issues and a willful child who has no respect for me THANKS TO MY FAMILY’S CONSTANT USURPING.

It took a couple days before the “die,Morgue,die already” voice in my head quieted. The less I am around the family, the better I am. Though I get days of my kid telling me grandma M does it this way, grandma b does it that way…Oh blah blah blah. I’m your mom, kid, deal with it, this is how I do it.

Which was pointed out, I sent two pairs of capri pants with my kid and stepmonster flipped out, took her to Goodwill for different clothes… but kept them at her house. They see my kid maybe four days a year. Wouldn’t it make more sense to let her keep the “better” clothes at home for school rather than reminding me what a failure I am that I can’t keep my kid well fitted season appropriate clothes?

I want selective orphanhood. Everyone says you’re nothing without family. When all your family does is trash you…you’re nothing with them and something without them.

Slept like shit last night cos I knew I had to come to the shop today while R is at the funeral. I can’t breathe when I have something hanging over my head. I only sleep sans Melatonin on weekends when I know even if I don’t sleep well, I don’t have to hear a ticking clock to get her to school on time.

Been quiet at the shop aside from two people. One of whom was a sweet old lady whose son I went to elementary school with and R wanted me to get all snotty with her cos she’s bugged him about her tv three times in three weeks. Well, I was not rude or snotty and she did not rub me the wrong way and I mean…I hate everyone on principle so he’s just being a dick. And he’s been sick, now the family  death, ok, you have reason to be grumpy. But the woman said he was not nice to her at all and I’ve seen him be that with way, usually with elderly people. She just wanted to chat a bit and I listened and chatted with her and she was very understanding about the tv not being done and she went on her merry way.

And I wasn’t even faking it.

Found out yesterday a kid my sister used to babysit died. 32, small son, and he overdosed. That’s sad.

I want to leave already. I am outside my bubble and it just feels…like being out in public naked. I know this is not rational, it is a symptom of depression and anxiety…Logic means fuck all to a mentally diseased brain.

At least the thoughts of dying have gone away.

Anger at not even being able to get a 5 minute call with my shrink is weighing heavily. He always says if I have problems, call the office. But then his pit bull staff make it abundantly clear he has not one second free time (and since this whole town has developed depression and booked him solid for months, I buy it) and act like I am putting them out cos it I am upright and able to use a phone, I MUST be ducky.

I’m slipping. Sure, it starts out as situational “family induced” stuff. Then the cold weather kicks the seasonal affect into high gear. The anxiety erodes my nerves so I’m snapping about everything. I’ve been thru it so many times and yet I can’t get a shrink to listen when I tell them THIS IS NOT THE TIME TO LEAVE ME FOR MONTHS WITHOUT AN APPOINTMENT. I don’t care how busy you are. Make 5 minutes for a call and prescribe something, don’t tell me my only option is to go to the emergency room and hope they get me a referral to my doc’s psych service. That’s a lot of expense and trouble when a 5 minute call and script could well help.

I think rather than say “my life sucks”…it’s more like “my life is frustrating.” Here I am doing battle best I can and I keep getting met with absolute resistance and constant invalidation.

And more maddening and puzzling is why I even let my idget family get to me. I moved out at 17 to escape their dysfunction and toxicity to my mind. Now, at 43, suddenly my Teflon coating has worn off to this extent I think I am better off dead cos my kids don’t smell like expensive detergent???

The erosion of self esteem stemming from  mental health disorders and an unsupportive, overly critical family is…slaughter of the soul.

My one saving grace, (though most consider this detrimental and rude) is my “fuck you” attitude.

Because as long as I draw breath, I am gonna repeat “fuck you” to these people even if only in my own head.

I know who I am. They know nothing about who I have become because they are too busy judging me from the past, judging me from a “your problems are imaginary” place…They have NO idea what I’ve become. In their world people don’t change.

I have changed. Grown up. Become self aware.

One thing that will never change…

is me saying “fuck you” to all their disparagement. It’s how I survived those people in the first place. Don’t fix what ain’t broken.

 

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2 Responses to “Erosion Of Self Esteem”

  1. heatherruark Says:

    Yup. Selective orphanhood I really, really get. In fact, I told my brother last night that I had no parents, I came from the cabbage patch. He told me that explained a lot. I am currently working my way through one of the blue boxes of mac n’ cheese. And of course six pills so I don’t die. Geez when did I get so damned old?

    • Not that I am a pessimistic shiny happy people but…I don’t think we “got old:” I think we merely grew up, clinging to the bits of our younger years that made us feel a zest for life. Honestly…my kid was prattling about how there are only *2* male shopkins and I immediately though, “omg, that’s like 99 male smurfs to one girl smurf!” My kid lambasted me how Shopkins are NOT Smurfs but for my point of reference, it made sense. Papa Smurf, Cheezy B, the shopkins senor breadtstick guy..They are all looking to defile our innocent she toons. Smurf whacker is in order! <3<3

      On Wed, Nov 30, 2016 at 4:26 PM, Take a Ride on My Mood Swing wrote:

      >

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