Scumbag Brain Strikes Again

I stayed up until 11 pm last night, forcing myself to battle that nagging part of my depression that insists bad things will happen if I don’t lay down under the covers by 9:30 p.m.

So there I lay, fortified by my 3mg Xanax taken throughout the day, determined not to take any more or even pop a melatonin. I mean, my reserve was steely. This inability to sleep on my own was what made me come off all the sleepers the doctors gave me. I hated the dependence, and the morning hangovers. No more. Yet every time I get into a depressive insomniac lull…I break.

I made it FOUR hours last night before I broke. I almost dozed off but when I went to turn over, my bladder reminded me if I didn’t tend to its needs now, it’d wake me less than an hour and make me do it then. So I tended to that and went back to bed. By then…the swirling thoughts were back, all those counting and breathing exercises for an hour for naught. I was frustrated as hell.

So I tossed and turned. Put on my sleep mask as sometimes it’s a routine/comfort thing. I huddled under the covers, pet the purring cats…I counted more. I did breathing.

One a.m. Two a.m. Then as I nodded off…Bladder time again. (Don’t drink as much water as I have been, it’s a killer on the bladder.) So up again. Back to bed. Swirling thoughts. And while often my night time swirly thoughts are not all bad…Thinking about if I could just get some rest, I could get up and tackle some of the shit around the house that needs done.

Three a.m. Nothing.

Four a.m. Knowing I would be facing a day of shrieking kids….Not chance to nap or recharge.

And so I took a 3 mg melatonin.

It kicked in within an hour.

Then the bladder beckoned at 5 a.m. So I had to get up and it was cold so I was wide awake and the mind was spinning again.

Mercied myself with another melatonin.

Only to rudely be awakened at 7 a.m. by my kid’s friend pounding on our door. I thought by the third knock and no answer, she’d go away. Instead, she kept knocking and bellowing for my kid. We were both still in bed, ffs. I ignored her. I am at wits’ end with that child. She’s only 4 but her parents should damn well know you don’t send your kid for a playdate at 7 a.m.

After that I mostly lulled in bed til 9, awake but too leaden to rise.

Now it is noon, I have a yard full of kids, and so far, I’ve accomplished only putting away half my summer clothes and digging out some warm clothes. Focus eludes me even with Adderall. I want my Focalin back and if I could ever gather my thoughts, I’d write my insurance company a strongly worded letter telling them how their refusal to pay for the ONE med that actually helps is hindering my life.

To top it all off with the true act of humiliation…Shark week arrived with a vengeance and I ran out of lady products, have no cash to my name, and had to call my sister to see if she had some to spare. 43 years old and I can’t even afford basic hygiene products. Fucking pathetic.

Probably why I have dreams about this old game show called Supermarket Sweep. The goal was to run around with the cart getting the highest price items for a higher grand total than your opponent. In my dream…I forget the expensive meats and stuff and start  piling in paper towels, toilet paper, cleaning products, all the basics that I never seem to have enough of. It’s a weird dream but a bit indicative of what it was like for me growing up. Sure, we had what was necessary for survival but so often we had so little…I guess it caused me to become a supply hoarder back when I had money. Now that I have no money to stock up…I live in fear of running out of things.

Why oh why can’t I have a normal dream about, I don’t know, being on an exotic island with a frilly umbrella drink and a hot cabana boy rubbing lotion on my skin?

Okay. End of Rant.

Now for a funny pic of my 7 year old revisiting her toddler years.

1022161550-00Oh, and the t-shirt I want for Christmas, which I think all of the tribe’s Volatile Femmes should have as well cos it’s true.



12 Responses to “Scumbag Brain Strikes Again”

  1. I hate it when I can’t sleep.

  2. You poor thing – sounds like a nightmare of a night 😦 Hopefully you will be so tired tonight you will get at least a few unbroken hours!

  3. I usually save one dose of my Valium for bedtime. At least if the sleep meds don’t work (and sometimes they don’t) I have a little backup.

    I LOVE the picture of Spook! She may be hell on wheels sometimes but she sure is cute!

    Totally dig the shirt

    • My doc won’t give me Valium as he says it’s the benzo family same as Xanax and would be redundant. I thought it might help me relax at bedtime but on this one, he won’t budge.

      • No, he can’t do both. I’m on Valium because xanax is like tic tacs for me. Completely useless. I wish so much that someone would come up with something that could help everyone, instead of guessing our way through this.

      • Ha, and for me…I called Klonopin “tic tac o pin” cos it was useless.

        On Mon, Oct 24, 2016 at 10:23 AM, Take a Ride on My Mood Swing wrote:


      • lolol For me, klonopin worked great until my body adjusted to it. Once I adjust to the valium, I’ll probably go back to klonopin. what a clusterfuck these meds are.

  4. Sleep… I can sleep very easily
    As I realise your eyes are now glowing red! But I have an aversion to going to bed, so screwed in a different way

    I’d offer you my cure to insomnia, but crushing pain and emotional self destruction to drive your body to unconscious generally has a negative effect on ones health
    And I suspect you may have already tried it!

    (And people say my sense of humour is fucked up)

  5. Love the shirt!

  6. Hmmmm…cabana boys. 🙂

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