Avoidance

I had a GREAT day yesterday. Not because I won the lottery but because my brain BEHAVED. At the end of the day, I still had energy to run a computer over to my nephew for him to try to fix, then went to R’s to watch the premiere of Flash.

And today…SPLAT. R wanted me at the shop. He’s called 8 times and sent a nasty text. I’m avoiding. He keeps telling me to talk to him instead of flaking out. Every time I try to talk to him about the depression and anxiety, he changes the subject or snarks about how  I don’t work so I can’t be exhausted or says I am making excuses.

How am I supposed to deal with someone like that?

Avoidance.

Because I just don’t have it in me today. I haven’t showered in 4 or 4 days or done my dishes. I came home this morning from taking my kid to school, took my meds and even a morning Xanax and…Fort blankie beckoned and I zonked, aside from the distant sound of all the damned calls which started at 8 a.m. even though idget knows I don’t venture out til ten and have told him so repeatedly. So I slept, and now I feel shitty about it.

I was so good yesterday.

I know the professionals would say I need to face my problem, re:R, but if he won’t listen or back off even on a social level and let me have some space to deal with my brain issues…

Avoidance. Guilt inducing but with this guy, it’s the only thing that works. He gets mad and throws back every nice thing he’s ever done for me, I try to defend myself and explain, he gets nastier…

I have to wonder why I had such a good mental day and then today I am in the shitter.

It just wipes me out. I tired of performing to the expectations of others. Tired of the happy mask and fake laughs and just…tired.

Avoid, avoid, avoid.

Until my mind state changes.

Which is unlikely because the doctor’s office rescheduled my appointment again for a week later than the one they set up. So three months without seeing my doctor. Excellent.

I’d  say I’m pretty far down the rabbit hole when I can’t face my friends.Though their lack of understanding is part of why I can’t face them. It’d either be a blow up from me or a breakdown of tears at which point I’d be told to grow up, quit feeling sorry for myself, yada yada.

I…am at a loss.

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4 Responses to “Avoidance”

  1. When the shit rains, it’s the poor sods out side of the happy shelter where they are holding fucking hands and singing merry shit that suffer
    The merry hand holding folk can ram a blender into thier happy go merry sanity and see what the poor sods trying to avoid the hail stones feel like
    Or do the decent thing and give out free will writing services and razor blades!
    Which of course is no reflection of my current mood, the fact I ran a serrated knife across my wrist to feel what it’s like or repeatedly kicked a concrete pillar to vent my endless rage

    If you don’t survive for family, love or…. (Fetching bucket) etc etc
    Do it to shove a concrete post into the cogs of life’s fluffy happy fucking fuck you plan!

  2. I would suggest that you cut R loose. Truly. I know you really like Mrs R. and maybe you can maintain a relationship with her, but this guy makes your life harder in every respect. He disrespects your boundaries again and again and again. He is disrespectful to you as a person. And when you work for him, you get a pack of smokes, which is a pittance per hour. If you’re there for 2 hours, you just basically made $3/hour. Ridiculous. Yet you are expected to be at his beck and call. But he won’t be at your’s. Dude sounds like a real dick to me.

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