Why Is Basic Hygiene So Damned Difficult?

So my stupid ass committed to something last night during a period of “I’m not feeling so awful, I can do this social thing”. It’s just lunch with R, and he’s buying, but now…I don’t want to go.

Because it means basic hygiene is in order.

Now, I have been doing better with the showering thing (which is so hard during depressive bouts) but I am still struggling with the will to bother with truly grooming to appear in public.

I try to make sure my clothes are clean, I wear deodorant, and my hair is brushed out or at least in a messy updo with a clip…Beyond this…For almost two years now, I’ve not given a fuck. Seriously.

On the rare day I feel “up to it”, I admit, wearing some make up and perfume, nicer clothes, it does feel good.

What feels shitty is that NO ONE ever comments on me taking the time to give a damn. It’s not even that I care what they think or that I need their validation.

It just pisses me off that these people have zero problem ragging on me redundantly for “letting myself go” or “looking rough”.

Guess what? Depression is a “wasting away” disorder. It affects your appearance, your skin tone, your posture, your facial expressions. You go so long feeling so downtrodden and exhausted…It takes a toll and you look defeated. Fake smiles and societal pressure to feign laughs (which further drains you)…You feel defeated, too. Like depression is mopping the floor with your soul as the mop head.

It does not matter how fierce you are. It does not matter if you have a rebellious “fuck you” personality.

It doesn’t even matter if your current med regime is “half ass working”.

Because…

DEPRESSION.

I’ve hit my seasonal onset with the rapid shift to cold weather and days of damp gloom and now…I see dirt under my nails. I know my hair needs washed, my legs need shaved. But I can’t begin to process this because the simple task of digging out clothing seems daunting. I don’t wanna. No one cares except to insult me, so why should I exhaust myself with basic hygiene when I could use those limited resources to battle anxiety or whatever.

Am I just pessimistic? Lazy? Have a bad attitude?

Could be.

Doubtful, though. The cycles remain the same no matter how much therapy or mindfulness I engage in. It’s a pretty predictable cycle, too. Bipolar cycle. And every year around August I start reminding my doctor of how quick it comes on, the seasonal depression, and maybe the meds should be increased ahead of time to ward it off. Instead, every doctor tells me we’ll discuss it in October once fall comes, and by then, the descent has already begun. They just don’t listen. They think it’s all about that sunlight bullshit when that’s but a smidge of seasonal depression.

I am flustrated (yes, FLUSTRATED, it’s a hybrid of flustered and frustrated) with all this crap.

On the plus side, Spook is staying at my mom’s tonight so my brain can rest.

On the negative side, I am probably going to be so exhausted I will accomplish fuck all then feel shitty about it.

No matter how many changes I make or how much progress I make…It all goes back to the cycle of bipolar.

I will go to lunch simply because I do so love the chicken strips and white gravy at Dairy Queen, and I can use the drive thru rather than sit inside with dish dwellers.

I don’t want to, though. It requires too much work and effort and it’s exhausting. I am tired of being tired.

Awhile back I made a comment about being psychologically exhausted and R tossed out, “I work ten hours a day, what the hell do you do all day?”

It took everything I had in me to bite my tongue and not unleash my pent up fury. No one feels shittier than me that I can’t hold down a job. No one feels shittier than me that no matter how much I bully myself, I can’t break the cycle of bipolar depression and anxiety. Battling that shit day in and day out feels like a JOB. One without pay or benefits or even a pat on the back.

Clean clothes, deodorant, a brush through the hair and that’s it. I’ll be out of bed and dressed. If more is expected of me…

Fuck ’em and feed ’em to the fish.

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8 Responses to “Why Is Basic Hygiene So Damned Difficult?”

  1. It is hard. I’m a stay at home mom who has PTSD. My kids are all in school so everybody asks me when I’m going to get a job. Well, between my own issues and my kids issues, there is no time for an outside the home job. Never mind the fact that whenever I start a new I’m amazing at it because the newness keeps my mind distracted, but all too soon it becomes routine and my mind does its flashback intrusive memory no memory highly distractible hypervigilant dissociative anxiety depression stuff that immobilized me and pretty soon, I suck at my job and end up with no job. It is hard. Even basic hygiene can be hard. Ugh.

    • I always started jobs during a manic spell and I’d be fantastic once my anxiety quelled and I got it down pat. Then a depression or anxiety spell would hit and stick around for months and I’d be viewed as a bad employee…Vicious cycle. I hear ya on the kid angle. I only have the one and I am okay with the school routine for the most part but her social life and endless stream of friends shrieking outside and running in and out the door…Leave it to an introvert like me to have an extrovert child.😋

      On Fri, Sep 30, 2016 at 9:18 AM, Take a Ride on My Mood Swing wrote:

      >

  2. Some days it is impossible and I am too tired to care. I think you are right about the seasons. I start struggling more by end of august. October is already pretty bad. I dont think it is all sunlight either, lights and lightboxes dont help. It is the school schedule, earlier mornings, the homework, the cooler nights, the endless social activities. Our job is surviving and battling. It must be difficult for healthy people to understand how hard we work. But it shouldn’t be so difficult to be kind.

  3. I couldn’t agree with this post more! Depression has caused my skin to go to shit, my posture to look like a 80 year old and my hair to constantly be up in a messy bun. It helps A LOT hearing my fiancé say I look nice when I put all of me into doing the littlest things, like makeup or hair. But to me, it’s jumping hurdles.

  4. I just got my hair cut. It’s much shorter then it was. And I loved it. Until I realized that it’s not so easy to put up anymore to hide that I skipped my shower. Now, I’m a little panicked. Like you, it’s not that I don’t want to shower, it’s just that it takes (what feels like) so much effort to actually accomplish.

  5. Pardon my language dude but HOLY SHIT this is completely something I go through ALL THE TIME. In fact I have to face it tomorrow and I’m NOT thrilled. I’m actually going through a bipolar mixed episode right now so I’m EXTRA jacked up about the whole thing. Good luck to you and to me I guess tomorrow.

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