Downward…Spiral…Deviation

Let me preface this post by saying…I am not a “by the rules” person.

Is a semblance of routine important for those who suffer from bipolar/depression/anxiety? To an extent, yes.

At the same time…my personality rebels against the constraints of monotonous routine and schedule.

What this translates to is…

If told I have to be up at 6:48 a.m. … I will purposely sleep until 7 a.m. If told I have to be up at 7:02 a.m. …my brain dictates that I get up at 6:54 a.m.

I MUST rebel. I MUST have variety, variation, deviation.

At the same time in a contradictory fashion…IF things do not unfold in an orderly fashion (supper is chicken and taters, kid gets out of school at 2:30, mail comes at 3:20 p.m.)…I spazz out and melt down.

It is a paradox but then, isn’t that bipolar described pretty accurately?

Today, the child support check was supposed to be in the mail. It did not come, as it has, on Thursday, for 5 straight weeks. If I had savings or other means, no biggie. BUT if you count on this influx of income…That single deviation is devastating to the mind.

Shit happens, get over it and grow up!

I know, right?

On this one…I cannot win. If I count on “routine” and “schedule” then it doesn’t happen accordingly…I come undone. Anger leads to agitation which heightens anxiety and causes me to be depressed, surly, and snappish.

YET if I go “pessimistic” and assume nothing will work right, well, then I am just letting my disorder get the best of me.

OMFG. I can count on it or I can’t, is that too much to fucking ask?

Apparently, it is.

NEVER MIND I had a nightmare last night about the check not being in the mail.

NEVER MIND that I spent hours today trying to talk myself out of “pessimism” and assuming the worst only to get hit with SPLAT and the downward spiral because all did not go according to routine.

WHY am I expected by all to be consistent in spite of my inconsistent condition while the world around me is allowed to “make mistakes” or “work at its own pace”?????

That ONE deviation sent me spiraling downward. I was depressed, deflated, anxious, pissed off. Snappy, sarcastic, jumpy.

FUCK, don’t tell me the donor purposely lost his job to avoid paying for his kid!

DAMNIT, don’t tell me this different letter carrier decided to flake off and deliver my check tomorrow instead!

Round and round, scumbag brain goes.

Setting the tone for my entire afternoon. I wanted a pizza for supper. I had to wait until I broke and told Spook her social life needed to take a backseat long enough for a trip into the dish. Aldi was packed. I had a near meltdown in the parking lot, terrified my inability to focus and take in all the surroundings would cause a car accident.

I freaked out in Thursday night traffic. I saw cop cars everywhere (no, not hallucinating, it is homecoming weekend for the local high school and the cops are out in force) and that sent my mind reeling into what minor infraction I might inadvertently be committing, because face it…It’s not difficult to forget your seatbelt or not know a tail light is out…

The ONE saving grace of the day was that upon our return to our safe space…I started to calm down.

I just cannot handle deviation from certain “dedicated” routines. I cannot stomach all the traffic and responsibility from driving. I used to LOVE driving. Now it is one more terror I cannot seem to handle.

I’ve often wondered if my inability to tolerate change, even minor ones, is a sign of mild Asperger’s or autism.

Apparently, though, if you were in advanced (old school term “gifted”) classes…You are NOT operating at a mental deficit.

So what’s the fucking deal? Is this inability to deal with deviation a symptom of bipolar, of depression, of anxiety, of panic attacks?

What. The. Actual.Fuck.

Because I would really like to know. I don’t choose to be this way. I don’t want to have a mood crash into despair simply because I was told spaghetti was for supper only to have it changed to fish filets. WTF?

I am so tired of trying so damned hard and getting nowhere.

Maybe it’s a personality glitch exclusive to me.

Though I remain unconvinced of this as I have read other bipolar blogs and it seems pretty common in *some* of us to be super sensitive to schedule changes and deviations.

Why can’t the professionals figure this out?

I lose faith, daily, not only in humanity, but in the ability of the professionals, to ever truly help me.

And ultimately this leads back to self loathing and guilt because obviously, if I weren’t such a pessimistic, picky trainwreck, I could talk my brain into getting its shit together.

If only it were that bloody simple.

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2 Responses to “Downward…Spiral…Deviation”

  1. You are not alone, trust me. Schedule screw ups are hard for the bipolar brain, because order seems to bring us some kind of peace. It is a bit of mindfulness because you know what’s coming and you know how to handle it. Although, yes my dear, we know you’re a non-conformist! But, expecting that check to show up like it has been, and then having it not show up, threw your whole plan into chaos. I think this is the reason I take so much valium. 😜

  2. Oh my God this was my day!

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