Tough One

Spent the morning in a state of nauseous inertia. I ate and still, felt nauseous. Guess what? Pristiq can cause nausea. So while I lost 90% of that on the extended release lithium, then phased off the lithium…I have a new med to make me queasy. YAY. Note sarcasm. I hadn’t planned on going out, but R started blowing up my phone and guilting me so I took my nausea to his doorstep, so to speak. Not that he notices or cares, it’s all about him and his precious parts and errands. Though for a couple of hours of braving nerve wracking traffic and drive thru lines…he bought me a phone card so I’d have talk time. Serves him right, considering he’s the one always wasting what little talk time I can even afford.

The anxiety was just crippling today, especially out in the dish. I had a mega panic attack in traffic and kept repeating “you are fine, you are fine, you are fine” but I was freaking out. My brain isn’t cooperating with me and I get terrified my foot will hit the brake instead of the gas or vice versa. Or that I will miss seeing an oncoming car at intersections. I can handle side streets with minimal panic but in traffic…NOPE. Coming undone.

When I was finally able to pick up my kid and come home to safe space…BAM. Seven kids in my yard, shrieking and bickering. Bloody hell! But since we had to leave in an hour and a half, I let them be. And took a Xanax.

The eye doctor appointment weirded me out a little. My God, they took weight, blood pressure, height, they were so thorough I half expected them to ask for a urine sample. Just for a pair of fucking glasses. THEN the tech, optician, and eye doctor all piled into a room for this one machine we were told was optional because insurance doesn’t cover it unless *something* is found on the other exams…There I was, a nervous wreck that they saw something fatal in my kid’s eyes or my eyes, and panic was rising, and I asked what was going on and told them I was starting to panic. They explained the light bulb went out on the same machine in another room and they had no spare so they only had that one to use. They still didn’t explain why Spook and I suddenly qualified for this special test…UGH.

As it happens…her eye is still turning inward and tracking wrong so…my 7  year old is getting bifocals. Poor kid. I got them two years ago and kept running the car up on curbs cos the line was so distracting and I switched back to my old single vision glasses.

Of course, I didn’t mention that to the eye doc. He gave me the option of going single vision and delaying bifocals a couple of years and let me tell you…I jumped on that leg and humped it. Maybe bifocals wouldn’t be so bad if they’re no line, but of course, our insurance doesn’t pay for that. Also, I don’t think that last doctor got the line in the right place. Driving on curbs is not my idea of improvement in vision after wearing them for two months.

Spook picked out blue frames. I chose rose gold. Yes, SASS. Morgue is getting pink-ish glasses. I liked the lens shape.

No sooner than we got home, it was getting dark out. The devil girls knocked wanting her to play. Then as I tried to get her into the shower, R called and said he needed a jump for his car. So off we went to do that.

I’m tapped out. I managed a shower after two days, woo hoo! I could probably go a week without showering but by day two, the hair NEEDS washed desperately. EWW. How messed up is that?

I am hoping tomorrow I can just vegetate once the spawn is at school. Hope R doesn’t need anything. Because I NEED to recover. Today was rough.

I don’t think it’s because “Xanax isn’t the one” for me. It’s always been the one for me. It mostly controls the panic attacks (the mega embarrassing big ones, anyway). But at this lower dose, it’s just not handling the generalized anxiety brought on my the shit storm of my life. I tried Ativan, Buspar, Seroquel (yes, for anxiety, that doctor was a fucking moron), Clownapin, er, Klonopin…NONE of them did a damned thing. So I don’t believe I need a new anti anxiety med. I just need to return to my former higher dose that actually worked well. Unfortunately, the new psych regime frowns upon highering Xanax doses in this establishment. (Sorry, channeling the e-trade baby there.)

When I finally see the doc, I am bringing it up. Of all that they have tried in my years there, NONE of them ever put me back at the most therapeutic dose of Xanax, the dose that got me through many years of crippling panic and anxiety fairly well. Worth a shot. IF he’s in the mood to listen the day I see him.

And that concludes my rant. I’m gonna watch another episode of Perception and go to Fort Blankie.

I am waving the white flag on this day.


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