I always do this thing where I think, “I feel rock bottom shitty, at least it can’t get worse.”

Then it does get worse.

Like three days without internet service. THREE DAYS. Followed by reloading my phone with talk time, only to use it ALL on the cable company’s 800 number being on hold, in line, directed by an automated voice, and begging for a LIVE PERSON.

So in addition to no net for those days, I spent about thirty bucks on phone time for a call that should be free.

It can, and always does, get worse.

I had a lovely Friday night with my kid at my mom’s. No brat neighbor kids stalking me. I just chilled.

Saturday she returned and in under an hour, she was back to having a stomping screaming fit. Like I could make the internet work. She hit me. Then her friends showed and she was okay an hour before she started getting in their face and waving her fist.

The neighbor kids cause me a lot of stress.

That day I realized…MY kid causes most of my stress. Because I am at a loss as how to deal with her. If this is behavioral, then all the grounding, loss of privileges, etc, it should be making a dent. But it doesn’t and now she’s turning on her friends. She’s making my life a living hell.

I thought it’s just cos I am hormonal thus super sensitive. But…No. My life with Spook is a battlefield and I don’t know what weapons to bring. She actually kicked me in the head the other day. I took away friends, games, etc…Nothing. She just doesn’t care.

The doctor doesn’t care. Oh, wait, my kid hasn’t actually seen the doctor in 2 years, it’s always practitioners these days. They won’t take my concerns seriously until the teacher fills out a form. Well, the teacher never seems concerned.

Which leads back to me and it must all be me except…NO. I do not believe on any planet it is normal for a 7 year old to have such violent rages and lack empathy or learn from doing the same bad behavior again and again and getting disciplined but never changing.

Something is at play and I feel trapped. The professionals won’t help me. Until my home life becomes less of a nightmare, my depression and anxiety aren’t going to improve. I came to that realization over the weekend with tears and a lot of “I am a shit mother” guilt. It’s true, though, no child should have the power to terrorize you and make your home life miserable.

The difference is, I don’t believe it’s because she’s a bad kid. I think, like our entire family, there is something off in her brain chemistry. But because she is so young, only ADHD will be diagnosed and if they don’t even see that in her…I am a prisoner here.

I am going to talk to my shrink next month. Maybe have a tearful breakdown. I can’t plan this shit, it usually just happens when it will mortify me the most. Maybe he knows a way to bypass all this molly coddling “just a child” shit and get her in with him to see if maybe she needs some pre-bipolar counseling or medication.

It just sucks to realize that of all my stress, the money, the house falling apart, my brain falling apart…the worst part is the stress my kid places on me with her unacceptable behavior. I can’t believe I am expected to deal with a kid who hits me. I can’t spank her, though. But I can’t defend myself, either.

Something’s got to give.

The system just doesn’t work all around. Not a newsflash, but I just want the best for my kid and if I can’t even get her care from a doctor until she’s going into her teens…The system is very much broken and responsible for all the “bad kids” out there. Treat them before they go bad, for fuck’s sake.

In other news…The net is fixed, I’m still hormonal, and episode 1 of American Horror Story season six did not impress me. I am almost afraid to watch Z Nation lest it make me so disappointed.

Hopefully, Superstore will give me a giggle Thursday.

Clean up, aisle 6, the zombies ate all the customers again….


14 Responses to “Hobbled”

  1. Hi,
    This is Dr.Neha Bhageria. I am forming a support group for people suffering from anxiety and clinical depression. Those who are recovering or have completely recovered are welcome too.
    If you are, or anyone you know is suffering from it please share this with them personally and ask them to message me on wordpress or email me on neha.bhageria@gmail.com without any hesitation.
    Please note that anybody who wants to get help need not feel scared or intimidated or worry about what others will think. This will be a safe space only for people going through similar issues. For them to know they are not alone and actually interact with people who really get them and understand what it feels like, knowing they will not be judged and will only get compassion and help in return. Above all, it is for them to share their experiences, what has worked for them, what hasn’t and what they think can be done to help another person. Also, it will include small small activities which will help them remember how blessed and loved they are, bring back the joy and enthusiasm for life they once had, feel free to do things that make them happy, motivate each other, move from fear to faith, feel the power within them to overcome any obstacle and achieve any goal, realizing that impossible is nothing.
    Please remember this would be completely free. And it is only a support group to help those who need it but can’t or don’t ask for it. It is NOT a replacement for any kind of medication or therapy. Please share it with everyone you know in whichever way you see fit, so we can help a larger group of people. Lots of love.

  2. My grandson is 9 and finally getting treatment. He was constantly hurting his mother physically and punishment did not bother him. He has changed. He even got straight A’s in school instead of conferences with his mother. She didn’t want him diagnosed as ADHD and medicated, but it has made a big difference. He used to scare me a lot and he destroyed a lot. Amazing change in attitude.

    • Her grades are fine, thankfully, but if she doesn’t learn to control her anger…that scares the hell out of me.

      • There is hope. I thought my grandson was headed to being a serial killer. He kicked her and punched. One day she turned around and kicked him, hard. He still didn’t learn. He has had some therapy as well. He is a changed kid.

  3. Spanglish Jill Says:

    I have a headache, since yesterday, so I’m gritting my teeth and feeling totally miserable but just wanted to say you’re obviously NOT a terrible mom. You’re doing the best with what you have (you’ve heard this before, but it’ s a gentle reminder from my side of the planet).
    Are there any really great, cool, fun, emotionally stable children in your neighbourhood? Sounds like a stupid question but kids model other kids.
    Also (and I know you know this, another gentle reminder) kids pick up on emotions. They’re like aliens and are mostly tele…I wanna say telepathic, but that’s not the right word. Could it be that Spook is absorbing your moods and is mirroring them back to you?
    That’s not THE explanation, it’s just a guess at what could also be at play, in addition to chemical, genetic stuff.

    *Resumes being totally miserable*

    • My kid is one of the most energetic, happy people on the planet. Does any of that sound like me? No, she’s not soaking any of that up from me and the only time she is ever sad or anxious or mad is when she is told “no”. Then she lashes out, at me, at her friends, and I’m sorry, she has to own that behavior.
      I just don’t think her emotional outburst correlates with the situation. So your friends are tired of playing “mom” and you bossing them around, does it warrant you screaming, stomping, and swinging at them?
      There’s something off in how she processes her negative emotions which to me, is shades of bipolar.
      I find it funny that even the child psychologist I took her to blamed my bipolar. Like, oh, let’s forget the daddy abandonment/not in her life angle, let’s blame mommy for what she can’t control.
      Bottom line is, yeah, kids are sponges, they soak up our emotions, but the fact no one ever says she is depressed and no one ever sees me stomping and throwing stuff…She’s not mirroring me at all.
      *Joins you in your misery and brings Fritos*

      • Spanglish Jill Says:

        Thanks for the Fritos 🙂 I read on a Bipolar Blog, coincidentally, this morning that children show depression differently than adults.
        She says that “…in children, sadness might not even be present and irritability alone can lead to a diagnosis of depression.”

        I think your assessment of Spook having “shades of bipolar” sounds accurate.

        If we know anything about depression and bipolar, we know that stressful life experiences (daddy abandonment, for example) trigger their onset, not to mention all the genetics and predisposition stuff.
        All of that makes sense in terms of ‘why’ Spook reacts the way she does to all versions of ‘no’.
        And the million dollar question remains: How to change the reaction?
        Not an easy solution.
        Oh and there’s no blame on my end. It is what it is.
        Would a forced ice cream brain freeze count as valid therapy? 😉

      • Get me some Ben and Jerry’s New York Triple Fudge brownie and I will test out brain freeze as therapy;)

        On Wed, Sep 21, 2016 at 4:15 AM, Take a Ride on My Mood Swing wrote:


      • Spanglish Jill Says:

        Mmmmmm and mmmmm. Deal!

  4. Spook sounds like NSLM. Only with him, no amount of talk therapy, group sessions, “social groups” or meds helped. I think it comes down to something other than mental illness with him. He is social when he wants to be, anti social most of the time, but still a fucking rude mouthed asshole. (Meds really made it worse 😔) We aren’t bad parents, we are just mom’s to kids that are brained differently. And it DOES fucking suck that the “professionals” don’t acknowledge it. Take the video in to your doc so he can see why you’re so fragile. Love you like crazy.
    Would you be happy to know I haven’t watched Z Nation either? No spoilers here. And I’m bringing churros to the misery momma’s meeting. Gotta have the sweet with the salty.
    Ps-i share your hormonal and ovary oompa loompas. Bastages.

  5. I really feel for you. Hope someone starts listening before it gets much worse.

  6. Ok, first I hope by now you and Sass have watched Z-Nation.

    Second, I think it would be a great idea to have Spook seen by your shrink. Or force a doctor’s appointment (which would probably be months of waiting 😦 ) It just seems odd that she doesn’t respond to any punishment at all. And, if I remember correctly, if you hold her back from playing with the Devil Girls she goes nutters on you. And that’s not right. Do you think that she just thinks she can get stuff over on you because you don’t feel well? Or maybe she’s just angry that you’re sick and doesn’t know how to process it. Either way, some sort of psych doctor cant hurt.

  7. where would you shop to buy Ben & Jerry’s? The specific store/location.

    • Wal-Mart, most gas stations, supermarkets…It’s everywhere here, not sure of other regions. Pricey but worth it to spoil yourself on occasion.

      On Wed, Oct 19, 2016 at 2:41 PM, Take a Ride on My Mood Swing wrote:


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