Grateful Hateful

I am having so much trouble lately putting things into words. I am normally a daily post person. As of late..I am discombobulated, strained, unable to string sentences together coherently. It’s maddening. Like being hobbled ala Kathy Bates in Misery. Because being able to write and vent is as crucial to me as walking is for others.  Being robbed of this by a clusterfucked brain pisses me off.

So to vent some of what’s been building up, I am going to try this grateful/hateful template. Because as aggravated as I am, I am not without gratitude or unwilling to acknowledge the few rays of light that seep in amidst all the bullshit.

I am super grateful for all the friends I have “met” on wordpress. You guys are an awesome support system. You encourage my writing,  encourage me to stay who I am (which isn’t always easy when you’ve got sunshine spewers basically demanding you write positive posts or they will unfollow.) You guys are amazing and I am so very thankful for each and every like and comment and follow.

I am thankful to have a healthy happy kid who excels at art (she draws better than I do). Her reading skills are impressive, too. She’s a handful but then, so is her mother.

I am blessed to have my cats who give so much love and make me laugh. They give me warm fuzzies to the nth. Even when waking me with biscuits and claws to my head to tell me it’s time to fill the food dish.

I am grateful to have a roof overhead (in all its falling apart ramshackle glory), food in my belly, clothes on my back, a car that actually runs, and of course, my beloved computer. (Laptop fairy, thankyouthankyouthankyou,love love love you.)

Now for the other side of the coin.

I am hateful because my family is such a mess. My father seems hell bent on running me down until I off myself and while he has always been a dickbag…The older he gets, the meaner he is to me. I don’t know what I did to cause it. And my mom, well, she has rewritten history and informed me that dad has always been so good to me, what did I do to make him turn on me…UM…The man was not good to me. He kicked me with a steel toed boot when I got a speeding ticket at 16. He told me to give up my dreams of being a famous writer and get my head out of the clouds and out of my ass. He constantly makes fun of my big feet, comments on my big ass. How is that being good to me? (At least I like my sister and nephew, sigh.)

I am hateful that the medi go round never stops turning. THIS IS NOT FUN. I want to be one of those lucky people who find the right combo and live happily ever after. WHY CAN’T THAT BE ME?

I am hateful that no matter how hard I try, I am still viewed as lazy and shiftless. Mostly by my own father and R. (R still isn’t speaking to me for four days now cos I didn’t do his bidding on his time table and ya know what? I don’t give a damn.)

I am hateful that the world views me as so lazy and worthless yet not even the agencies that are there to help the disabled will help me find work to do from home so I can be of value. I am not unwilling. I am unable to do it in the dish, that’s where I melt down. If I needed a wheelchair ramp, it’d be done. But not for mental illness. WTF.

I am hateful that my anxiety has gotten so bad, I can barely drive to the store. My brain swirls, I get irate, and I actually feel afraid of other drivers. I can’t handle the noise made when my kid has her little friends over. Music makes me nervous. Music has always been my life’s blood. My stupid brain chemistry has robbed me of that.

I am hateful that the rules don’t apply to everyone. My neighbors have had a broken down car sitting for months now, made no effort to fix it, and  it remains. Another neighbor got served with a notice to move their junk vehicle when it had only be sitting there 3 days. I HATE shit like that.

So I am gonna leave it at that and be grateful I posted today and maybe it even made sense.

On a final note…I’d like to disown my blood family and adopt my wordpress family. I can count on you guys far more than I can the relatives. So much for blood being thicker than water. Or wifi.

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19 Responses to “Grateful Hateful”

  1. Really? I shouldn’t demand you spew sunshine and flower petals? We really are kindred spirits, love. I’ll just spew that I care and hope the best for both of us. I wish I could just fix it, and the world won’t even let us tell them it’s broken. I’m grateful for this community and for you. This post seems coherent enough, but I confess I’m distracted more by the new med that they said would help me focus, and that’s the real reason I didn’t write for 5 days.

    I haven’t gotten anything from our homeowners association lately, but they are random and inconsistent and unfair and they do piss me off. During a drought season: “We’ve noticed there are brown patches on your lawn” and “would you like to pay for a service to help?” Fuck you, and fuck no, if you want to make it rain that’ll work for me, and you, the brown patches will go away when it rains. I don’t have more money to pay for more water.

    Sunshine and flower petals can stay the fuck outside. I’ll draw the drapes so I can ignore them. But you, my dear, can come inside any time (to get away from them and the people who spew them.) I’ll dim the lights and pour something we can share. And then we can discuss life, blogging, and maybe we’ll get to dreams.

    DM

  2. heatherruark Says:

    It’s scary sometimes how the people closest to our hearts are the ones who have the least desire to keep us safe and happy. I am glad you found your kindred spirits online. 🙂

  3. ❤ ❤ I started a new anti-depressant, Trintellix.

    • Diane was on it when it was still called Brintellix, think she got a few good months before she hit bottom then went manic.
      I looked up why they changed the name and it was to avoid confusion with some heart drug. Makes me wonder why they never changed “lithium” and “librium”. A pharmacy once gave me Librium instead of lithium. Guess this stuff happens.
      Best of luck to you, you’ve been struggling far too long.

      • Thanks, someone else I know swears by it. Figure can’t hurt to try it. I once got a wrong drug at the pharmacy. I didn’t know it till they contacted me and told me what it was and asked if I was ok. I was fine. It was for cholesterol and it just added a little higher dose to the one I already took, but they had a department that had to contact me and there was the possibility that depending on what it was I would sue them.

      • We are too nice for our own good, we should have sued them! Lol.

        On Fri, Sep 2, 2016 at 3:00 PM, Take a Ride on My Mood Swing wrote:

        >

  4. I hear you on disowning blood family. I’ve cut off pretty much all of mine and holy fuck my mental state improved vastly. But I admit I have the super-privilege of being able to do that by dint of living across an ocean from the fuckers.

  5. Cut em all off at the knees and bludgeon them to death with your trusty Z Whacker. Theoretically speaking. Let the WP love surround you in Fort Blankieness and to chill in DM’s bunker. With an endless supply of meds to find your magic combo and all manner of booze. And bunk beds for Spook and Monkey.

  6. I love this post Morgue! I would never in a million years tell you that you have to post positive posts – what kind of a self-important ass do you have to be to demand someone write their blog a certain way???? What-the-fuck-ever and I hope they went away and are leaving you alone.

    I read the passage about working to my husband because it so accurately describes how I feel, so I thank you for that.

    I love your description of Spook.

    And, I’ve been thinking about writing about this for some time…but, I can’t deal with music anymore either. And it SUCKS. I’ve started listening to country music in the car because at least it’s really basic. But, if I’m not driving…I’m not listening. And sometimes not even when I’m driving.

    I want to build a house on a large tract of land and then put rubber room material on all the walls, comfy pillows, comfy chairs, LOTS of blankies. No hard surfaces to jar our senses. And a killer wifi connection with great computers for everyone!

    Now I just have to hit the Powerball!

    Love you girl…we’re fighting right along with you!

    • Means more than money denominations that my post resonated with you so deeply. That is all I have ever wanted. For even one person out there to read my words and realize…”I’m not alone on this”.

      • It really did resonate with me. Being able to share something that hits me so hard as truth with my husband is powerful too. He can argue with me (usually doesn’t, but could), but he can’t argue with you. Being able to show him that there are others out there is huge for me!

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