Two And A Half Hours

2.5 hours. That’s how long it took before I cracked last night and took a melatonin. I was so determined to get to sleep on my own that I turned the lights out at 9:30. Midnight and still…Nothing but swirling thoughts and anxieties. Pacing. Drink of water. Have a smoke. Count backwards from a thousand. Move to the other end of the bed. Take a Xanax. NO sleepers.

I am weak. But all the anxiety that comes with the start of school had me too wound and in stomach churning agony to sleep naturally.

Today the mood is better. SCHOOL STARTS MONDAY, PRAISE THE SACRED PEGACORN.

The anxiety is a runaway train for tonight is when we take her supplies and meet the teacher.

Crowds. Tiny school hallways. Gastric agony has commenced, (Oh, and shark week, which is why I didn’t post yesterday, didn’t want my hormonal discontent to taint reality.)

In my epic “marshmallow heart” stupidity…I heard the devil girls couldn’t go tonight because their mom is working and their dad is sick and they asked if they could come with us…and I said yes.

I am an idget.

But I already warned that I don’t stay long. We can do ten minutes per classroom so they can get settled, meet the teacher, find their desk and locker. Surely I can manage that.

I mean, thus far today, I managed to do a quick cover up on my gray roots (now how to remove the dye from my arms where my long hair decided to rest), I showered, I painted my nails (to hide all the black dye), I got her school supplies sorted, she is in the shower…I can feel it coming together, mood wise, for I know there’s going to be a lessening of anxiety.

Which makes me wonder…how much of my “depression” is really just too much anxiety and I melt down? I don’t dispute the validity of my depressions, I mean, no amount of anxiety is going to cause you to go a week without showering or leaving your bed, that is vintage depression.

I am just curious how big a role overwhelming anxiety plays in making me feel “my life fucking sucks” when in fact, things aren’t that bad outside my mind’s ability to handle anxiety without turning it into a physical ordeal. I mean, if your stomach were in a knot and constantly sending you to the bathroom doubled over, you’d find that depressing. Even if it’s caused by anxiety.

I got so stressed the other day cos Spook and the devil girls were being so obnoxious and then something spilled and my first thought was I HATE MY FUCKING LIFE.

But then I realized…It’s been a bumpy year, for sure, with the car troubles, and yeah, the child support has hindered as opposed to helped…

Yet it’s been a year in which I’ve found kind people exist, people who show extreme generosity and caring, without asking for anything in return. People with a heart of gold are few and far between but…I’ve seen that they exist, felt them touch my life, and that’s worth so very much.

Not to mention, the new TV season will be starting up soon (Z NATION, BITCHES!) and then Halloween. It will get cold and while I hate the cold, it means no kids running loose 24-7. CALM will be restored.

So before I declared the Pristiq a success or failure, before I declare depression the victor…I am gonna give it a little time, see if once all this start of school upheaval and anxiety die down…Maybe I will find peace again.

For now…One thing at a time.

Any moreΒ  than that and I melt down.

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5 Responses to “Two And A Half Hours”

  1. I really hope you find some peace.

  2. You know, for someone who takes about all the negativity creeping into her posts, this one is pretty positive. Not in the rainbow spewing unicorns kind of way, but in the “I think this is why z is happening and y and x are the culprits. Nice. And nice job on the motivation. πŸ–’πŸ–’πŸ–’

  3. “vintage depression”
    Doctors, make this a diagnosis please cause it sounds so right (and so cool)
    As for cracking, do it at an art show and say its an art exhibition piece and that you will except cash for the concept
    Some one sold the idea of a melting ice cube an diner parties for money… Cash in!

  4. I am glad that you found some nice people in this world. More positive this time. ❀

  5. I think that you could be absolutely correct in thinking that extreme anxiety is exacerbating your depression. You’ve made a very compelling argument here that is making me start to wonder about some of my own anxiety/depression.

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