The Anxiety Of Being Is Not Benign

So a relative gave me kid cash for her birthday and it took me several days to work up the gumption to take her shopping. Because, ya know…she only wanted to go to that one hellish place mommy can’t stand. Wal fricking Mart. I figured, early on a Sunday, people would be at a church, not too busy…I was wrong. Even all the self check out things were full. And as we stood in line for her to shell out twenty bucks on these tiny plastic Shopkins…I felt like the walls were closing in. Panic turned to hostility. I muttered, “Next time I come here, remind me to watch an episode of Superstore first so I will be in good humor.”

It boggles the mind because I can handle a mall better than Wal-Mart. We went to Best Buy with Mrs. R last year and I handled it better than I do a super Wal-Mart. I just…When we had the smaller store and it wasn’t six miles out, I would wander the stationery aisles at 3 a.m., talk to the fish in their aquariums, I wasn’t terrified (except on Black Friday and frankly, a sane person should be terrified of any store on that day). 9 years ago we got this relocated superstore and since then…I loathe going there for any reason. I am always looking for logical reasons. Maybe the overhead flourescent lights set me off. Maybe walking too far combines with the panic and I hyperventilate. Or maybe I’m just a nutbar.

Aside from my extreme anxiety, it was a quiet weekend without too much blackened mood. Spook at supper at Bella’s the other night and after a month of hearing about her loose finally came out. Eating spaghetti.

toothless spook

So last night to reciprocate, I let Bella eat with us, then took them to the store for candy. (Spook couldn’t wait to spend that tooth fairy money, though she debates whether it was a real dollar since the fairy only had silver coins. Way to teach basic math, school system.)

Today I am just…On edge, waiting for this whole “start of school” thing to get underway. Thursday night we take the supplies in and meet the teacher, see the classroom, et al. I am getting better with that sort of thing. I still get physically ill and sweaty beforehand, but knowing it’s 20 minutes of my life, tops…I power through then spend three days with gastric agony from the anxiety.

And always, when reviewed, the disability people want to know, How does your condition impact your day to day life?

There are times I wish I’d never gotten medicated or had therapy. I was more erratic but I managed to have fun then on occasion. Now…Life feels like existence and survival and fun is just dangerous because it could mean I am going manic or making bad choices…The self doubt all that therapy filled me with is crippling.

At the same time…that version of me would have been mother from hell, so I guess I got to this point because I need to be here. Just kind of bums me out that I am so medicated I can’t feel much of anything positive.

Being so anxious you’re scared to live, scared to trust yourself to live lest it be a symptom of your wonky brain…This state of being is not at all benign. This is malignant.


21 Responses to “The Anxiety Of Being Is Not Benign”

  1. We’re not sure how Smallhausen lost her first tooth per se, outside of she swallowed it. It might have been spaghetti; we’re fans of it here. The second was when we were out of town the other week, but I’m blanking on what she was eating that time.

    Anyways, Walmart is sort of hell on earth due to concentration of people, I figure. So I feel you there.

  2. heatherruark Says:

    She is sooo cute with her lost tooth. 🙂

  3. Anxiety sucks. Daughter is adorable!

  4. I can’t do Walmart either. Aisles too narrow, people too rude and stupid.

    Do you take anything for anxiety? Like Valium or Xanax. Something to help take the edge off?

    • I double dosed Xanax prior to each trip there, it doesn’t do any good. If this town had ubers, I’d have a few Mangoritas then brave that hell hole. I could probably handle it then! Sad statement, ain’t it, when alcohol works better than meds specifically for the condition.

      On Tue, Aug 16, 2016 at 12:09 PM, Take a Ride on My Mood Swing wrote:


      • You may have gotten used to the Xanax and need to be switched to something else. Damn pdoc has to switch everything I’m on nearly every 6 months. 😦

      • Xanax is the only one who has ever worked, at all. It works great for everything else, just not Wal-Mart.

        And to this day I have yet to experience even ONE of their anti depressants have any sort of anxiety relieving property. I guess I lost that lottery, too.

        On Tue, Aug 16, 2016 at 12:14 PM, Take a Ride on My Mood Swing wrote:


  5. It’s really terrible when you can’t catch a break like that.

    • I consider myself fortunate that the lithium/lamictal and Xanax have done well for so very long.
      As for the anti depressants- I blame 15 years of being on them, sans proper diagnosis. Now nothing works.

      • I’m not taking an antidepressant at all right now. For whatever reason my pdoc has a love affair with prozac even after if was obvious it wasn’t working. Pfft….doctors

      • After I had Spook, my idget shrink had some sort of love affair with Zoloft (thought it was the ONLY anti dep should be on the formulary) and after six months of being suicidal and him refusing to change it…
        I quit him as a shrink. Got on a diff med, got better. Go figure.

      • Yeah sometimes you do have to quit the shrink. When I was in the hospital this last time I made the doctor there take me off all the shit I didn’t want to take anymore. Cause I can’t be non-compliant while I’m waiting on disability.

      • I have little doubt my next review will not go well and I will be deemed non compliant for not going to therapy…
        But after that night at R’s cookout when his daughter, THE PSYCHOLOGIST WHO WORKS AT OUR CENTER, muttered, “I don’t wanna call this bitch back” cos she was on call…
        Yeah, you give me ten therapists, ANY one but that one, and I will go. Otherwise…Nope.

      • Yeah, I remember you talking about that. Such a bitch.

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