There Is No Easy Fix For Depression

Today I find myself in a dark place. I know what this place is. The aftermath.

Every counselor I ever had said I did fine, even through crises, only to come to them after the fact, falling apart. Because while I manage the crises, it takes such a toll there has to be a period of splat for me to recover.

Thing is…often that recovery period is just a prelude to yet another downward spiral into a depressive bout.

YES, even if two weeks ago I was on the upswing and thought my anti depressant was working so I got it increased but so much shit has gone wrong…I can feel myself sinking downward again.

The shrink and counselors of course would say “you hit a bump in the road, you’ll bounce back after things calm down.”

Damn, I wish that were fact.

Unfortunately, it’s more “wing and a prayer”. I pray this isn’t the start of seasonal depression, or another bipolar 2 depressive bout. I pray I can bounce back.

Thing is…depression just isn’t elastic. And there are no easy fixes.

The donor used to carry on about, “I bought you this, and I did that, and I did this, and still, you’re never happy!”

The ONLY thing he didn’t do that I asked for that would have helped was stop making my depression about him and given me some space to ride it out.

Money does not fix this. Buying things does not fix it. Acts of kindness can help restore faith but the inner mental demon keeps rampaging. It’s not lack of gratitude or lack of effort.

This is depression. This is my price to pay for being able to power through all the bad breaks that would have others seeking hospitalization.

I’m flailing. Trying to find a reason for being. Wondering what the entire point to living is. We live to die, basically. And while some have a fun ride along the way…a depressive does not.

Will I feel differently six hours from now? Maybe. That old ass clown shrink did say I had bipolar 2 with rapid cyclothymic shifts.

Then along came the new school idgets and their forcefeeding of “borderline”. Um…My cat dies. It depresses me. That seems logical, not “reacting emotionally to the situation in an irrational manner.”

I wish I could put this all more eloquently. Alas…this is what I’ve got. My words, my thoughts, my feelings. Discombobulated and imperfect and messy.

I cling to hope that once my kid is back in school and we get back to that routine, maybe my anxiety will calm, maybe my mind will have some sort of solid ground to stand on.

But I hold my breath, carry a grappling hook, and look out for a ledge to latch onto in case this is a prelude to the seasonal depression.

I wish buying me a pony and taking me out for a hot fudge  sundae cured depression.

My parents tried that when I was 5.

I should have kept the pony and gotten rid of the parents.

I wish that were the depressive state talking.

 

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6 Responses to “There Is No Easy Fix For Depression”

  1. Depression, my old friend
    You know better than to trigger me on this subject!
    I get depression, big time, twice a year; birthday and Christmas time
    Why these happy times? Because I have to deal with my failures and realise I’m going jack shit no where and Clinically single as hell, with family and friends either rubbing it in or causing me a double dose of hell!

    How to deal with it? Laugh at the wrong things, shock everyone by making light of servers crap storms (because to you they are normal!) and finding whatever emotional venom kills the poison best
    You want happiness… Guess what you’re depressed, and you’re laughing about casual references to killing yourself!!!
    If that ain’t enough to rouse a smile

  2. Ps: Alcoholism sounds fun, but no!

  3. I have been depressed ever since leaving the hospital in March and they changed my meds to Effexor and messed me up. Tried a few since then with no luck. The Wellbutrin is not helping or hurting so maybe she will increase that when she gets back from vacation.

  4. Hi,

    I can well relate to your description of depression. I’ve been there so many times. I’m sorry that you are going through that.

    I keep telling myself that my ability to evaluate myself and my future accurately during depression are severely compromised and inaccurate. I’ve also had rotten docs and med pushers. And I agree with you that normal losses and experiences need to be mourned and grieved and not invalidated and diminished.

    Good and healing thoughts to you.

    Kate

  5. So, I’m days and days behind in my reading and I am hoping to get to a post where you are feeling better. But, everything you’ve said here is 100% true. Depression is not elastic, you are never guaranteed what the next emotion is going to be. Calling depression/bipolar “hard” is an understatement of the highest magnitude. I have been wondering if a return to the school year would help you and I’m praying that it does.

  6. I ❤ you. Life sucks more than we/they know

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