The Skin Is Crawling Off My Bones

Yep. I am having one of *those* days where the anxiety has come from out of nowhere and kicked my ass. My skin is crawling off my bones but failing. Think it might be more comfortable if it just absconded.

I’m off in every respect today. No idea why. Some days you wake up and you’re just…off. I was so off this morning that rather than head out first thing to pay bills, get gas in the car, etc…It was after ten a.m. before I managed to force myself out the door. I felt scared to leave, which is a disconcerting feeling to have. Fear without cause boggles the mind. It was so crippling, I wondered if I was ever going to be able to bring myself to leave my safe space.

But I yanked the bandage off. Landlord was on site and I stopped the car to ask if he’d have his guys mow my lawn and I could slip him ten bucks or whatever. My mower is the old fashioned push type and the lawn’s gotten so long, it won’t cut. I don’t want to get hit with some “not keeping up the yard” thing so I explained it to him and he said if it’s just this one time, he’ll have his guys do it, no charge. I can live with that. I never meant for it to get so out of hand but when shit breaks and I gotta wait for stepmonster and her manliness to fix it….

Paid rent. Gassed up the car. (I am getting such fabulous gas mileage with this Buick I wonder why I ever bothered with any other engine.) Paid internet bill. Paid power bill. Bought the food Spook requested I cook for her birthday meal with the family on Sunday. Picked up my meds. Was surprised the insurance actually paid for the extended release lithium. (More on that in a sec.) Then we came home, because I was starting to spin out under the anxiety. For me, anxiety is like being on an old school playground merry go round. The higher the anxiety gets, the faster the wheel spins, and it disorients so I can’t think straight or make good choices. Suckage. Traffic was freaking me out. Twice I had people park so close I held my breath when backing out. Usually why I park out in Cambodia and walk the entire lot if need be, to avoid anxiety provokers like that.

Disheartening to come home and realize…Bills pretty much took everything I had. I was able to order Spook one gift, and then to get it here before Sunday cost an arm and a spleen. I wish I could give her more, but the entire family is broke this year. Not even Grandma is going nuts like she normally does with the gifts. I don’t think it will kill the child. She has lots of people and benefactors who have shown acts of generosity and kindness, she needs to appreciate that as the true gift. I know I do.

So…backtracking. Yesterday. I spent 5 hours at the shop. Did little more than fetch lunch but it got me smokes and Spook got to spend time with Grandma. Had a shrink appointment. He kept me waiting for 15 minutes. Oddly, I didn’t really notice. Oh, sure, the skin was crawling off the bones then, too, I just wanted my safe space, tick tock, let’s get this over with. I just wasn’t my normal irate self about it.

I told him I thought the Pristiq is doing something good and wanted an increase. He was pleased to hear me say something positive about a med, noting “This is the first time in the two years I’ve seen you that you’ve had anything good to say about a medication.”Β  I pointed out that you need positive outcome to make positive statements about a medication and until this, I’d had none. I further begged him to see if there was a better solution to my lithium than taking six pills a day. Turns out, there is, and it was how he was writing it all along, but the insurance company instructed the pharmacy to dole out six pills rather than two of the extended release. He said he’d go to bat for me with them and insist on 450 twice daily. I like this man. He comes in early every day and calls the insurance companies personally on behalf of his patients and literally gives them hell until they agree to pay for what we need. I liked the part where he said he tells them, “I went to medical school for fifteen years, I know what my patient needs, you don’t.”

I gain new respect for Dr B all the time, he’s turned out to be very cool.

So yeah, I got my extended release lithium, so instead of six capsules a day, I get two tablets. YAYNESS. I got Pristiq bumped to 100. He said that’s the max, but he did have a patient he gave 150 IF I feel its necessary by the next appointment in two months.

It’s sort of sad when you get giddy all because a doctor’s appointment went well. Seriously, we would raise hell if a cashier or whatever disrespected us at a store. Yet we cower when it comes to our psych care because to speak up means it will be blamed on our bipolar (etc) moodiness rather than any sense of self advocacy. Crazy, ain’t it.

Not to be a negative Nelly but he did bring up my weight, which he has never ever done before. And it wasn’t a bad thing, I lost a couple of pounds and he told me “80 percent diet, 20 percent exercise, keep it up.”Β  Nothing sets me off like doctors harping on weight and diet. Just a sore subject for me.

He commented that I seemed calmer than before even as I was telling him that my anxiety was high due to being outside my safe space too long. I don’t know what to make of that. I guess I am internalizing it better? But now that he’s made note of weight loss and seeming lower anxiety, I get paranoid he’s going to get in that “we almost have this thing fixed for good” mindset.

I should take the win and shut up, right?

Okay, purge done. (Watched The Purge 2 last night, wtf, that was mental and I don’t even find it that far fetched, especially if the donald is elected.)

Here’s a pic from last night when we were sitting outside. Feet decided to go for a dry swim.

feet swim

 

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14 Responses to “The Skin Is Crawling Off My Bones”

  1. It never ceases to amaze me how insurance companies feel they know better then the doctor. I hope the Extended release works better for you. I do better on the short acting stuff, but everyone is different.

  2. Yeahh!! I’m delighted you’ve got a good one. I hope my appointment that got rescheduled goes well, but I don’t know what “well” means in my case. Unless today is an episode that goes away, I’m on the upswing finally. And yay, glad your dr is finally getting you meds that work. I love you more than I should and less than I want to, and I want everything good for you. You will NEVER hear me say anything about your appearance or weight other than how beautiful you are. I’ll let the doctor worry if you aren’t a Cosmoskinnytan, I never liked that type unless it’s natural, and even then, I worry and want to get them something to eat. I wish I could wire you some cash. Sigh, being broke sucks. I need to win the lottery or the PCH or something. Or you do. Maybe it’d be better if it was you. πŸ˜€ ~DM

  3. Glad to hear something positive. Glad the meds are helping and your dr is listening. ❀

  4. PS, PS: Sorry for the downer

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