Effed Up Again

So I fucked up again. Big shock. But the fact is, my swiss cheese brain (thank you, meds) does not retain information, especially dates and numbers. It does, however, cling to routine. So when the doctor’s office went and changed EVERYTHING abruptly due to staff problems…My brain just sort of got stuck in the routine loop where I assumed I had an appointment set up.

Nope. I called to check the date and was informed you failed to make another appointment and we can’t get you in until the tenth. Lovely. I pointedly told the girl, I have one pill left. Cold turkey from anti depressants, not cool. She put me on hold and came back with, “All I can do for you otherwise is a 3:20 tomorrow afternoon.” SOLD.

It just irks me that they went and changed everything, right down to scheduling your appointment on the way out, so I get mixed up and blamed like I did something wrong. I screwed up because their system is messed up. Just like my last appointment, I told the doc, I’ve lived in this town over 20 years but on my way there, one street was closed off for railroad work. That one little deviation caused me to get lost going to his office. I don’t mean lost as in I had no idea where I was, I mean, lost as in, the route I normally take was blocked and I couldn’t get my brain wrapped around a rerouting.

So if I can get lost in a town where I’ve lived 20 years due to my brain dysfunction…Not getting an appointment set up with their new system is not a far stretch. Now I feel like a moron.

I am so sick of hearing celebs with bipolar spew about “normal life” being possible. Sure. If you are bipolar one and can manage on a mood stabilizer alone…Life will probably be pretty good for you.

If you are bipolar 2, with a multitude of other diagnoses, the likelihood of life ever sorting out for long is slim.

Bottom line is, my brain does not receive correct information, nor does it process information correctly. The tiniest thing makes me come unhinged from a “2 plus 2” standpoint. But because I am fairly intelligent, my brain dysfunction is discounted. I don’t think the shrink even believes me, and I blame cognitive behavior therapy for that. We get brainwashed into thinking we can retrain our brains to do anything, tolerate anything, overcome anything…Therefore, someone like me with numeric dyslexia and an inability to orient to my surroundings when a deviation is introduced…Well, obviously I am just not trying hard enough to cognitively retrain my brain.

Thinking of it makes my brain turn to puree.

So I fucked up again and I feel stupid but what am I gonna do…I’ll go to my appointment and I will tell the doctor about not sleeping for more than an hour and a half consecutively. I will tell him how my anxiety is becoming borderline agoraphobia. How I think the anti depressant is helping but isn’t “there” yet.

Will he listen kindly and be empathetic like last time? Or will he be rushed and irked and make me feel shitty?

That lottery is almost as fun as the lithium nausea lottery.

Speaking of…Sad as this is…My kid is now trained to hand me the trash can when she sees me take my lithium and start getting woozy. How’s that for conversation for a seven year old. “My mom throws up sometimes because her medicine makes her sick. I have to give her the trash can.”

I don’t know how to shield her from the reality of my illness. The meds work, damn they work, but the lithium is just unpredictable and harsh.

Guess puking beats being in jail cos I went off on some manic tirade and beat someone’s head in with a tire iron.

They just gotta make everything fun illegal.

Bring on the zombies, I am sharpening my Z Whacker points.

Unless my brain misfires and I start attacking the non zombies. Damn swiss cheese brain.

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16 Responses to “Effed Up Again”

  1. Or someone jokes about wanting you for your brains and you whack them. (sorry) Put away the z whacker, k? It’s just me. Oh, you WANT to whack me? Well then, that’s all right, go ahead. 🙂 I still love you (THUD!!).

    I’d ask you where you were 2 1/2 decades ago but together we’d be twice as fucked. And then my brain says, “would that be a bad thing? }:) ” It probably would be bad, at least for you. (sorry)

    Yeah I can’t hide my shit from the kids and the wife doesn’t want to hear that so she’s got fingers in her ears going “I’m not listening LaLaLaLaLaaaaa!!” https://makeameme.org/meme/LA-LA-LA-ey1gyb and SHE says she LOVES me. FML. I’m not really trying to hide, but the eye rolls and sarcastic barbs I taught them do come back to sting me on the ass and piss me off half the time, and the other half they make me laugh, more proof of my lovely cycles. Maybe I need to follow her to the land of denial. Maybe that’s why she’s stayed so long. If I could I’d follow her anywhere. Is it called a lecherous leer if your husband does it to you? 😉

  2. Here’s to good juju for your attp tomorrow. Swiss cheese brain at its finest, served with Fava beans and chianti. I wonder if Hannibal will like those brains? At least if the zombies come we know that our brains will probably be the ones passed up like the people in World War Z because they’re sick. Sounds good to me. But keep sharpening the Z Whacker points. Season 3 comes out soon, and I think we could all use rides in El Caminos.

  3. Your doctor’s office new setup is ridiculous. I’ve never been to a doctor that hasn’t set up my new appointment as I’m checking out. What a disaster.

  4. I read you. Damn. I’m finally giving bipolar ii the attention I should. I was diagnosed several years ago. I couldn’t afford the mess that actually work when I took the trial samples for a few months, so I tried the celebs all natural approach. I’m lucky my behavior didn’t kill me or somebody else. It’s been a month since my last psychotic event was triggered. I can’t believe that I haven’t been tending to this problem with real medicine. Beware of the person speaking from the high horse. I had no idea how serious this illness can be until recently. I hope you got things sorted. I fear that there is no way up from here. every year gets worse for me.

    • I could spew some sunshine about how it does get better but I’m not a sunshine spewer. This disorder is tough and it involves a lather, rinse, repeat cycle. A fellow blogger recently hit her wall and killed herself. She did everything right, down to electro shock. Bipolar one and two are very serious, whether psychotic, manic, or depressed.
      Best any of us can do is keep the faith and keep doing battle. The meds are a pain but the alternative-hurting others or yourself-is far worse.

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