Hormonal Dip

Sundays are my “ick” days. I don’t know why, I’ve just always found them rather pointless for non religious people such as myself. THIS particular Sunday I find my mood has dipped and slipped into a rather uncomfortable place. Thanks, monthly hormones, thanks a fucking lot. Cos it’s not enough to be bipolar, nooooo, let’s toss in the shit storm of hormones that make me further question my sanity.

I think it was triggered by the anxiety that presented when the devil girls knocked on the door. Don’t get me wrong, my kid is glued to me 24-7,  she even sleeps in my bed, so any break where she is being a normal kid and playing with friends is welcome for me. Problem is…THESE friends. Already had to chase them out because they ran in and out six times in five minutes and the youngest one was using my mirror to slather on her kiddie warpaint…And I said, “You need to go play outside before I lock the door on you all.” (Am I mean? Sue me.) Her older sister even told her “Morgue said to get outside” and the 8 year old says, “So what?”  Yeah, like it’s not even my fucking home.

So the anxiety of them being about followed by cramps and hormone fluctuations has me in this shit place I don’t much like. Throw in my summer allergies in which every inch of my skin itches for no apparent reason….I am pretty uncomfortable in my own skin, let alone my mind.

Try to distract myself watching my shows. Ha. 42 minute show becomes a 4 hour start and stop task with kids constantly interrupting.

I should go do dishes. I don’t see it happening with the pain in my spine.

I am so sick of the monthly cheese and whine just because my hormones go nuts.  But it’s a factor that shrinks downplay for female bipolar patients. Hormones play a huge rule in your mental state. Bipolar and hormones? It’s a wonder I haven’t killed anyone or simply gone bat shit and gotten locked down. Month after month of this shit.

And from what I have discussed with my doctors…I can’t even look forward to a break via menopause. I can’t take hormone replacement due to blood clot issues, so my crazy is likely to metastasize to Goodyear blimp size even once the monthly thing goes away.

I am so fucking jazzed. NOT.

I keep asking myself, “Could you for the love of fuck say something positive?”

The answer, of course, is , “Could, for the love of fuck, something positive actually happen to me?”

Because I am spinning out under all the upcoming stress. I have one child support check to get my kid her school clothes and supplies. My entire check is gone for rent and a “running six fans 24-7 to make up for not having AC’ power bill…My mom went and got a 2009 car for my nephew to drive once he gets his license so she can’t help with Spook’s school stuff. Dad’s whining how he hasn’t worked and he can’t help…That’s all fine, I will handle it, I know how to squeeze the pennies and get blood from a stone.

It just doesn’t help that her birthday is also the first week of August so in addition to school stuff, I have to find a way to get her a gift or two. Least she’s not demanding a big shindig.

Oh, dear, the kids are having a death match. Refereeing her social life makes me grateful not to have one of my own.

I guess that’s a point to mention to the shrink. Whatever good the Pristiq is doing…I still have less than zero desire to socialize. I mean, NONE. I don’t want to be around people. I like my quiet life of watching my shows and playing my word games. Besides…my so called friends just spend the entire time on their goddamn smart phones so why would I want to hang with them?

I think my purge is complete. Aside from the fact I haven’t slept more than ninety minutes consecutively in months despite getting 5mg melatonin…Maybe the routine of her school with help sort shit out. Or stress me out more since I have to take her and pick her up again this year, all over that tenth of a fucking mile. Least now I know I can hang back by the fence and not have to be engulfed in the massive spewage of bright colors and shrieking voices. My kid can spot me a mile away as I am pretty much the only person in town who wears all black 7 days a week.

I’m only wearing black until they invent a darker color.

Time to hit the Tylenol again, the cramps have resumed crushing my spine.

Oh and another kid is in my yard….

Have I mentioned how much I can’t fucking wait for fall and winter? Maybe the depression gets worse but at least all these heathens stay inside.

To quote my Grumpy Cat July calendar: Don’t worry, be grumpy.



8 Responses to “Hormonal Dip”

  1. http://imgur.com/gallery/9rYVxqH Love your wardrobe choice. I washed dishes and vacuumed and mrs m now thinks the garage needs cleaning. joy fucking joy. at least today’s post will be “up.” Whenever I have time to post it. at least that’s the plan.

  2. Returned from CT last night and this came on my playlist about 1 a.m. You immediately came to mind because I know we dig/relate to the same tunes. I also know how you need amped/angry music to kick what you’re dealing with, in the nuts. Big hugs my friend – https://youtu.be/ZuHZ4EbTMUk

  3. “Could you for the love of fuck say something positive?”

    HAHAHAHA I literally laughed out loud. I hate doctors appointments so, so much, and this described my exact sentiment. My word. You nailed it.

    Also, Sundays are my roughest days too. I think it’s a lack of routine that does me in.

  4. How long have you been on the Pristiq? It doesn’t sound like it’s given you any kind of major bump.

    Menopause doesn’t necessarily have to be worse. I had some time where hot flashes were a problem, but there are over the counter things to help with that.

    I’m hoping that once school starts you will get some peace from a schedule.

    • One month on 50mg Pristiq. It was raised to 100 today. I know it’s not making me bounce off walls with joy but my functionality has improved greatly, so I know it’s doing something good. Nothing works for the menstrual dysphoria, I think that’s where some of my current down-ness stems from.
      Honestly, I’m bloated, crampy, and grouchy. What in that is positive? 😀

  5. heatherruark Says:

    My favorite line is “oh dear, the kids are having a death match”.

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