Runaway Brain

So I took my meds. Adderall on board. Now I am jumpy and my brain seems a little jittery. Rather than a dozen racing thoughts, I am down to a couple. And I desperately want to go with them. Start organizing this place. Get my shit together.

Yet depressive inertia, and the general inability to plot plans of attack that comes with depression, hinder me. Leading to frustration followed by self loathing followed by I AM A LOST CAUSE, WHY CAN’T I JUST DIE ALREADY.

Of course, I mash these thoughts down with my metaphoric Z-whacker because I know depression is a fucking pathological liar.

I just don’t get it. Why the Adderall makes me feel this way whereas the Focalin did not. It’s not fair to be forced to take a med that is less effective due to some prescription insurance rigamorole. They are hindering my progress with their stupid rules.

Spook has three friends over, they are outside and very loud. Last night, there was a confrontation in which K’s mom came down here and went off about how the girls won’t let her son ride his bike by our house without yelling at him and starting shit. I happened to agree with her.God knows how many times I have told the kids to stay in the yard, and just ignore the boys, even if they are yelling at them. Of course, I’ve said the same to her son who just eggs the girls on. “Don’t start no shit, won’t be no shit” is a good motto. I apologized on behalf of my kid and the mom said Spook’s not as bad as the devil girls and she’s going to have a talk with their parents because “I’m a grown ass woman, I don’t have time for this shit.”

I found her gruff attitude off putting. Like her kid is the crown prince. I watched him throw rocks at my car, at the girls, then when I called him on it, he said, no he didn’t do. Blatant lie as I saw it with my own eyes. FFS. The devil girls fuck up everything. And I really don’t appreciate all these neighbors who think they are so “grown ass” and “have no time” to deal with normal kid bickering. This is my daily life. I guess they think I have the time, am not a grown ass woman, and Lurrrve dealing with this shit every day.

I had zero clue the most stressful part of parenting would be handling my kid’s social life.

So round and round it all goes in my brain, in spite of a xanax chaser. It may just be a couple of stampeding horses/thoughts, but it sucks just the same. I will tell the doc tomorrow but courtesy of asshole insurance, I doubt it will do any good.

I found a guy to haul off the red death trap tomorrow. He’s giving $75 for it and my dad wants me to hand it all over to him because they are in such dire straights. Whatevs, fair enough. Fucking tires are worth more than that. And I asked R if he’d make ten minutes tonight to yank the Pioneer stereo out and he said, “I can try.” Which usually means he’s too busy or doesn’t care so don’t hold my fucking breath.

I can’t get interested in any shows. I finished off Wayward Pines (to date) and it’s fucking creepy. I am gonna see if the library will order the books. I guess after a binge watch, I get restless and have trouble finding something to get interested in. Also…If you watch 2,3,4,5 seasons of a show…the characters start to feel so familiar and when it’s all over…you miss them. It’s not losing grasp on reality, it’s just…parting is but sweet sorrow or some shit.

I am gonna take Spook to mom’s in a couple of hours. Which will make all the extraneous kids go away. I have so many things I’d like to accomplish. I want to organize things, haul things to the shed. But of course, that is hindered as I am down to my last trash bag and have no boxes or storage thingies. I’ll probably do dishes then stare at the unfolded laundry, feel shitty, and still do nothing about it. I swear it isn’t laziness, it isn’t lack of desire.

In the immortal words of the band Helloween…”I want out.”

Get me off this runaway brain ride from hell.


7 Responses to “Runaway Brain”

  1. When I don’t know where else to start, I start in the kitchen and wash all the dishes and clean off the counters. I don’t bother with the floors. I stand back and look at my accomplishment, and then I find the one dish I didn’t wash and that goes in the clean empty sink. Because you can’t use a z-whacker to clean a miscellaneous bowl. Next I do the bathrooms. If I were traveling to your side of your state I might be able to stop over and work my manic magic, but it might just be an episode that’ll pass. Plus we’re on the opposite side of the state line, somewhere near the ass of Indiana, and when we travel we end up in the armpits of Indiana. Both places stink. My garage is shit. But we have pretty, shiny carpets and the grass is cut because Mrs M. pushed my ass so hard. Now if she’ll dish out some favorable treatment on the opposite side…. wink wink. Like that’s ever gonna happen. The carpet shampooer and the mower use almost the exact same motion iykwim. And when I really don’t know where to start, I take a nap which sucks up my free time better than a shampooer sucks suds out of the carpet. I hope you are able to accomplish something. Maybe the bratz would like to clean your house instead of destroying it?

    • Indiana isn’t all THAT bad now! And when I’m not motivated I anyways start with my laundry because it’s the biggest pain in my ass. Fuck shampooing the carpets. They’re lucky to get vacuumed every other day! The kitchen is the last place I clean because someone is always in it and in the way. And Mrs M needs to practice her carpet shampooing techniques…. Hint hint. I agree about putting the Bratz to work, then maybe they won’t want to be so damn destructive… One can always hope, right?

  2. what is the red devil? Are you in UK? Because I used to do medical work and don’t know what Focalin is. Push them to push the paperwork for a formulary exception request. In this country I have never been turned down. But then I have straight medicare so I have my choice of doctors who still take it. I have written an article on the overlap of adhd/bipolar, would you do me a favor and click on it, maybe even venture a comment? Tell me what you think. I’m on a chaser of a small amount of a time release stim and a tiny little bit of Adderall that I only take if I need it. I’m lucky they allow me to take both. Nice to meet you. Allison..

    ps I like your name. I used to do alternative radio and my guest host was a guy ‘the funeral guy’ and he was a true funeral direcftor, it just happened he called in a request and we got talking and he’d worked at the place that had embalmed my family for generations in Phoenix, Arizona. We became fast friends and did stuff with his wife like tubing down the salt river in the summer.

    The song was called “Anything, Anything.” Ring a bell? Anyway, would you mind clicking on this link? It proves me worth. I know. It’s crazy but at least it’s better than ‘sharing.’

    oh and by the way, I know a bipolar mag that’s looking for new writers who have the diagnosis. Let me know if you want to know. This one is bipolar hope but also write for IBPF

    • Only song I know called “Anything, anything” is by Dramarama.
      My name is just a riff on Morticia Addams, I thought it was funny.
      I live in the U.S. and my doctor just did three weeks battle with the insurance company to get me approved for this sustained release generic Adderall. I really must look into changing my Medicare script plan when enrollment times come. This company is ass trash.

  3. Maybe the boy’s mom and the Devil Girl’s Mom will get into a fight and you won’t see any of the kids for a bit. Ahhhh peace and fucking quiet. Well, except for Spook.
    And I thought that you nephew or someone wanted the car?

    • Nephew did want it til he found out it’d cost a grand to fix, at minimum. Can’t say I blame him. And my dad is still mad I didn’t “give it a chance”. I wonder how long he’d drive a car that was forever broken down…
      Up to me, I’d set the thing on fire and roast hot dogs. But daddy needs the $75 so they can continue working on their SEVEN lawn mowers. And he called me a spoiled brat for having R yank the Pioneer stereo out of the death trap.

  4. Do like TV
    Love the odd shows that take a sledgehammer to standard

    Then I realise that noone I know has any clue what I’m talking about and noone has been watching them with me

    But enough about me, sounds like you needed the behaviour course I did, then corrupt all the positive stuff to scare and intimidate devil girls
    But of course I can’t (publicly) condone any such use of those methods!

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