Depressive Inertia SUCKS

I am forcing myself to write this because…Well, I am in that depressive place where I find myself boring and useless and it seems futile to blog…I have to fight the urge to curl up into a ball. It pisses me off this is even an issue, 60mg Prozac should have me damn near manic. I see el shrinko Friday and I dread telling him another med failed to bring me out of my slump. As if it’s my personal failure. Cos I did have a cockweasel shrink once who kept me on Zoloft for months even when I went suicidal and he said “you just don’t want it to work.”

He’s the reason I quit shrinks and meds for almost a year.

Nothing monumental going on. Hotter than Hades last week, this week we’re getting a beautiful respite. I can sit comfortably without the humidity making my skin so moist they stick to the touch pad on this computer. Woo hoo, small victories.

I started this generic Adderall shit Friday. It aspires to be Focalin. As in, fairly useless. First it makes me sleepy, then when I come out of it, sure, my brain has slowed down but I still can’t organize a plan of attack to get functional. Focalin helped so much and frankly, it wasn’t much more in cost than this shit is. Ass trash insurance company.

Saturday I was nauseous for ten hours. I couldn’t say if it was the 94 degree heat or the lithium but I felt like serious shit. (Which was odd, cos I actually felt decent earlier and even invited my mom to hit some yard sales with me. The nausea just came out of nowhere.)  Sooo…I did not go to  R’s party. I sent him a b-day text, explained the situation (you know, the usual lie, must have been something I ate, cos people can’t bear to hear about your psych meds making you sick…) I hear I missed a hell of a bash. I was honestly relieved. Sitting in 94 degree heat with 40 0ther people really isn’t my thing.

Sunday was…well, frankly, I was hella productive. I don’t know where it came from but I was washing dishes and laundry and picking things up, even vacuumed a bit. Mopped the floor, cleaned cat boxes. I wish I could feel that level, that motivated, ALL the time. I’m not talking about feeling high. I am talking about feeling alive. Doing those small basic things everyone else does but minus the depressive inertia and haze.

My spawn returned from dad and stepmonster’s Saturday. She was home an hour before she was screaming at me and hitting. Because I said no ice cream. Sunday she was even worse, slapped me, then hit my arm, all the while screaming like a banshee. I don’t even remember why. I am sure I did the ultimate evil and said no to her wanting to feed the cats to a tree chipper or something. I grounded her from her friends all day Monday.

We had zero problems that day. Which proves socialization never produces good things.

Obviously, I am jaded and cynical and have always been a loaner so even if I weren’t panicked and depressive, I’d still find socialization a chore. It occurred to me (and I say this with zero pride) that the ONLY time I enjoy being around other people in a social setting is…after a couple of drinks. Then I become interesting and funny and people like me. Sad fucking statement on people. Of course, all my prior love interests/etc loved me when I was manic and sped toward the hills when the flip side hit. Not a shocker.

“Be yourself and people will like you.”  Yeah, Mom, thanks for feeding me that bullshit lie. But it’s okay cos I have always been myself and quite frankly…I find the people who take me as I am are the ones I want to know. Everyone else can fuck off.

Today I got a 7 am wake up call (was awake til almost 3). R needed a ride to the shop as his scooter wouldn’t run. I had offered the night before (cos he’s helped me enough when my shit breaks down) so out the door we went. Spook was cold, she was still tired, she was literally channeling satan and screaming. Awesome. We took him to work, came home. She went back to sleep. I wanted to but had to take half a xanax to do it.

Not even 11 a.m. and the devil girls came knocking. Whatever. I took my meds. Battled my lithium nausea. Then R texted again to remind me I didn’t give him his change back last night and it was his lunch money. Blah, another trip into the dish. Crazy glutton for punishment I am…I actually let the devil girls come along. OMG, I don’t know how there aren’t more car wrecks cause by incessant child chatter and shrieking laughter. Made me a nervous wreck.

I stopped by the library cos they ordered Hemlock Grove for me. I thought the kids could just sit and look at books downstairs while I went up to circulation. Instead they start running around playing hide and seek and screeching (in all fairness, that life size statue of Ronald McDonald would make me scream too, clowns are eeeeeevil.) All these other children were there for reading hour and various other activities, younger than these 3, and they were calm and quiet. I got stuck with banshees. Never again.

Since then…Just watching Wayward Pines. I tried to get into it last year but it wasn’t happening. Now I am sucked in but I find it far creepier than any horror movie. Unsettling. Train wreck I can’t look away from.

We were under a 2 day boil order due to some malfunction with the public water tank. I didn’t find this out until after I’d had 4 glasses of water yesterday (definitely explains why I got sick later in the day). It’s lifted now but damn, even McDonald’s was closed down. Makes you realize how important water is.

I am pondering making a meat loaf. I am looking forward to her going to church tonight, I treasure that hour. Tomorrow night she is staying with my mother, that way I don’t have to get a sitter Friday while I see el shrinko. I’ll pick her up after my appt.

I want my zest for life back. I am trying so damned hard and my brain just won’t cooperate. It just can’t seem to stomach life anymore. The inertia…Some days, self berating and repeating, “get off your ass and just do it” works. Most days…it does not. Just suspended animation here. I go through the motions, enjoy very little. I’ve wondered if maybe the donor was right and I’m just incapable of being happy.

I don’t buy that.

In other news…R got an interview today at the  (superstorenamegoeshere) which is where donor douche works. Don’t know if he got hired but he said they want him to work weekends and as that’s the only time Mrs R is home…I’m not thinking it’s gonna go well.

Okay. I’m glad I got it all out of my brain before it started leaking out of my ears. Anyone who survived reading this to the end…I will spare you a Z-whacking even if you go full zombie.

Here’s a video I found and normally Collegehumor is hilarious, but this…is very realistic. Except in my case it isn’t just social anxiety, it’s constant anxiety.

7 Responses to “Depressive Inertia SUCKS”

  1. Ahhhhhh! I am SO with you on this. I want to do things. I want to have the house be clean and the laundry done and all these things…..and I just…..can’t. Shit’s a little worse now, but I do understand where you’re coming from.

    I’m really glad that you posted…I was starting to worry about you.

  2. I’m all able to joke about having not killed myself yet and deciding which method of pain to use to avoid social functions online, with no picture or details
    Say that in real life and folks are like ‘suicide helpline’ or just have contorted looks of fear on thier gormless faces

    So be yourself, as long as people, media recordings and anything that allows folks to identify you aren’t around!
    Otherwise be all smiley and bullshit

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