Wind Up Doll

Anyone remember that commercial (I think it was for Abilify) where the woman was talking about her depression and how it felt like she had to wind herself up like a doll every day….THAT. That’s how I am feeling.

Of course, all people see is me functioning, getting shit done (aside from housework) and that means I am bloody cured and fucking faboo. So much bullshit. Were it not for my kid and cats, I probably wouldn’t even bother winding myself up every day.

That’s not to say I don’t feel a positive difference from the prozac increase. I can tell I’m not as far under the surface as I was. But I AM still under there, kicking and clawing my way to get a breath of air.

So yesterday was “transfer everything from the death trap” day. I dreaded it. I left Spook at my mom’s, braved DMV…and I was there maybe ten minutes. Five minutes to get the insurance swapped out.

Then fucking Hell on Earth trying to remove the plates from the death trap and the Buick because my redneck motherfucking dad and stepmonster put them on using a various assortment of bolts, zip ties, screws, rusted out plate holders…

Literally, I spent TWO damned hours running back and forth to where the death trap is, taking various tools trying to find one that would do the trick. I thought that was bad enough. But NOOOOOO. I went to remove the plates from the Buick, which were secured by hillbilly stepmonster, and spent over an hour with various pliers, screw drivers, I’d have used  a fucking sledge hammer if I’d had one. I think I created new curse words to describe that faction of my family. There was no godly reason on any planet why those plates had to be on there that tight. I am far from a weakling but dear god….

So I finally got it all done and spent a half hour picking gravel and leaves off my butt and out of my hair cos I was playing fricking Twister on the ground trying to get leverage to yank those bolts…

Relieved I was. I was also so disgusted I am glad my dad’s not talking to me. I don’t know what his problem is but it’s probably hard to pronounce.

Spook got invited to this big cookout with B and her grandma and the other kids from here. Six lovely hours without any kids driving me nuts. Ya know what I did? Fuck all. I could have showered. Ha, the meds still aren’t making me care about that shit. I could have done dishes, folded laundry, cleaned the floors…I did nothing.

Well, actually, I did stop at a yard sale. And nearly ran screaming out the door when I realized it was my former mother in law having the sale. The one who told her son right in front of me that he could do better than me. She never liked me. I didn’t bolt though. I’m not that same immature girl I was when I married D, I have grown and evolved and I don’t have time for people who can’t acknowledge that. To my shock, she was pleasant enough to ask how I’ve been doing. And true to my hindered social skills, all I could think was, “Doing just fine.” I mean, what else can I say? “Sorry your husband died, he was a wonderful man. Proves evil just lives on.” Yeah, I think that might have crossed some lines so socially stilted it was. Her daughter didn’t say a word, just gave me the evil out. She’s the bitch who wouldn’t let my brother play with her kids because well, he’s related to me and I am evil. Pfft.

I was further irked yesterday when I went to pay the internet bill…and after driving four miles out there…fuckers were at lunch til 2:30. FFS!

Oh and I had this moment of sheer terror and panic because the Buick started bucking and making a noise and it just died. In the middle of the busiest thoroughfare in town. I started it again. It died again. By then all I can think is, “Not again, COMEON!” But it started back up and has been running fine. I don’t even dare mention it to my dad or R. They think the cars are fine and I am the problem. Sure,that absolutely explains why I drove the same car from age 16 to 27. Because I tear them up.

I am so utterly sick of kids running in and out and bickering and screeching. I literally covered my ears earlier it got so bad. I wanted to go all Mad TV Vancome lady and scream, “LA LA LA I CAN’T HEAR YOU.” I should send them all packing. But then my kid will be on me like white on rice telling me how evil I am. The other day I wouldn’t let her wear flip flops to church and she told me she doesn’t want me to be her mom anymore.

Feel the frickin’ love.

In further aggravation, the shrink changed my Focalin to generic Ritalin BUT no one bothered to tell me I have to drive six miles out to their office to get the paper script. I mean, he called me Tuesday and made no mention of it. I called Thursday and Jill told me I have to come get it. But I was busy with the car stuff Friday and they close at 11 that day so I gotta wait until Monday, then wait for the pharmacy to fill it…I don’t know if I am just feeling aggro or what.

I know I can’t wait to try this methylphenidate. I’ve never had any ADHD drug but Focalin. I can’t complain, least insurance will pay for this one. So hoping it helps slow down my brain. My body feels comatose and sleepy and yet, my brain bounces around, 100 miles an hour. I can’t remember what I went in the other room to do. Did I feed my kid lunch? Oh wow look at that bunny!  People think that’s a joke but it really isn’t. To have such a chaotic brain is not the least bit fun.

Oh…This is rich. I had to email the donor. Spook needs new glasses but they don’t know what part of his plan she’s covered under. I lost his number (probably on purpose) so I emailed three days ago. Not a fucking word. And even better than that is, I emailed my so called divorce lawyer last week and have heard nada from him.

Ain’t life just a bowl full of cherries. Rotting, maggot infested cherries.

Okay. Back to binging the new show I found. It’s called 19-2. After Hemlock Grove, I figured I was up for a good cop drama. Best thing is, it’s Canadian and those people make some damn good TV shows. And some kick ass metal bands, too.

I’d never survive the poutine, though. That’s just narsty.

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12 Responses to “Wind Up Doll”

  1. It’s absurd that the DMV was a breeze to get through and then , BAM, three hours trying to change the plates! It’s like a cruel joke.

    And I know exactly what commercial you mean. Hoping that the new med works and slows your brain down so you can catch a break.

    • I got so pissed I bent my front plate trying to just yank it hard enough to pop off the bolt. It did not work and now the plate is ten kinds of wonky but…damn it, I was fucking mad.

      • I honestly would be surprised if you hadn’t tried to yank it off. I would have been doing that 10 minutes in!!

      • It was a bit comical, me on the gravel, yanking and pulling and twisting that plate but it not budging…Now I know why that dude walking by gave me a funny look…Surprised he didn’t report me for stealing a license plate. I’d have loved to explained it to the cops and asked them to remove the fucker.

      • lolol I was gonna ask if anyone stopped to help. Guess not. Please tell me you put it on properly. You can lie if you must! 🙂

      • Nah, I put them on properly just to ensure my idiot dad and stepmonster don’t decide to “tighten” them up. Which is a synonym for “fuck it up”.

        On Sat, Jun 4, 2016 at 5:50 PM, Take a Ride on My Mood Swing wrote:

        >

      • Brilliant!

  2. That was the Pristiq commercial. The Abilify is the rain cloud one.

    WTF is wrong that people feel the need to gorilla glue a plate on a car?! I would have just got done kind of metal plate cutters after 30 minutes, so way to go for working so long as you did.

    Man I get the no motivation and sound sensitivity. Monkey is gone and I’ve moved from me bed long enough to eat a bowl of cheerios and then feel like they are going to revolt. I’ll take a shower if you will.

    Have you watched Wayward Pines? They started season two.

    I think I used all of my energy the other day when I made homemade fash was and toner…

    • I tried watching Wayward Pines a ways back and couldn’t get into it. Then again, I didn’t start watching Vampire Diaries til season 4, I am a late bloomer. I will give it a whirl.
      Ha. Pristiq is about the only one I haven’t tried, no wonder it didn’t come to me. I’m rolling the dice on prozac/combo. What have I got to lose but more brain cells.

      • I haven’t tried it either. Trying Rexulti which is for pschitzophrenia and MDD. Maybe that’s what you need? Something other than the usual suspects…?
        I heard Wayward Pines is good. It’s got the dad from Empire in it as well. Terrance Howard.
        I feel like my head is full of floof lately… I hate adjusting to meds. I couldn’t get into Vampire Diaries at all. I’m finally caught up on my Outlander. Love that show!

  3. Happy for you that you got to go to a yard sale but so sorry it had the cruel twist to it that it did, rrrrr.

    Got done watching Fringe on Netflix several months ago but haven’t found anything to replace it yet. Tried the 1st season of Game of Thrones and didn’t even make it all the way through! Didn’t hook me I guess :/

    I am glad you made it through another day.

    Here’s to good Canadian music, eh? https://youtu.be/Y5cpIcmfG5U

    • I loved Fringe. Walter and his cow were fricking hysterical. I miss him, considering Noble has played absolute dillholes since Fringe ended. Excellent actor, just not a fan of dillholes. Plus…now cow. Sad 😦

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