No epiphanies here

Ugh. Where to start the rant…

I will start with tonight, after I braved Aldi to buy groceries while my kid was at her church thing…Dad left a message. I figured it was to prattle on more about “get a new car”. Instead he was informing me that the donor’s new gf has people in his town she knows and is going around telling everyone about “crazy old Niki.” I could live with that cos well, I owned crazy long before there was an official diagnosis.

What I CANNOT abide is his apparently telling gf and everyone else that I am “keeping him from seeing his daughter”.

THAT infuriates me.

Because it’s not based on any fact at all. Not once in 4 and a half years has he asked to see Spook. Not once this whole time when he’s been four feet away from her while she was out with my dad and stepmonster did he try to see her, he looked away. The two times we ran into him in public, he didn’t even try to interact with her, just asked about when he was going to get his divorce. When we were at the courthouse, doing the child support case, my lawyer sat down and talked to him about setting up a supervised visit so he could get to know who Spook has come to be. Again he had no interest “until this is all settled.” Not once has he contacted me or my lawyer since then about seeing her.

So where does he get off spreading negativity about me and blatant lies??????

I guess, according to gf, he is up for a promotion at work so he had to hack off all his long blonde hair. His only vanity, according to him. Ha ha. My dad was like, more money for Spook. I’m like, what the fuck ever. No amount of money will ever be worth dealing with that fucking sociopath. At least I have an official diagnosis of a chemical imbalance. He’s just morally bankrupt. Big deal, he can hold a managerial job. He’s failed THREE children. Leaving them all with us “crazy” moms who were so abusive to him.

I know there are two sides to every story when it comes to marriages/relationships. Maybe with him I was unhinged and who he is made me more so. But that has ZERO to do with our child. I’ve known men who have gone up against physically abusive mothers just to see their children a few hours a week. HE IS A LIAR.

It wasn’t a shock. I mean, it’s what he said about the ex, the one I knew cos we were roommates, and she was definitely bonkers…But he was a pathological liar even then. Whining about how she took all his money so he couldn’t afford to pay child support on his son in Kansas…yet he could afford filet mignon and thirty dollar spices for his cheffing…He’s so full of shit. That’s not sour grapes, that’s factual.

And the fact I have so many witnesses siding with me because they have seen his indifference toward Spook just might bite him on the ass and the dick like Jaws mowing down on some swimmers and surfers.


Okay, that was a rant unrelated to my mental state but it needed to be done. I can’t have it stuck in my head poisoning everything.

Soooooo….Monday was a vegetative day. I got fuck all day, felt guilty, that didn’t change a thing.

Tuesday, I took my kid to school, came home, went back to sleep for ninety minutes, then dragged my ass to the shop to earn brownie points. R doesn’t thing my death trap is a write off like my dad does, so I gotta slather on the Chapstick and kiss some ass. I don’t like it, I just accept it. PLus, if I do have to use a mechanic, once it warms up, R has a scooter he likes to ride when it’s warm so if I need a loaner, he will let me and Spook use his car.

Yeah. He’s not related to us. He’s my ex, who broke up with my “crazy” ass. But he’s willing to loan me his car, on his insurance.

That blood is thicker than water thing is bullshit.

It was one of those quick passing days, mercifully. Of course, it was also one of those days where his business became little more than a hub for his friends/family to visit him. At one point, it grew to like five men…I went out front for a smoke. I don’t do crowds. Male or female. Just…I was crampy and hormonal and down and I just couldn’t put on the mask to that extent.


R did annoy me (big shock, right???) by demanding I help find a diode. I asked him, what’s the part number…It took two hours to get that info cos he had so many people visiting and distracting him. Then when he did give me the number, he said he wanted one at better values, but no idea what number…Talk about wandering in the fucking dark. I HATE when he does shit like that. Ties my hands. How am I gonna know what value a diode is without a specific part number? He got pissy with me, I got pissy with him. At one point, I thought, ya know, I’ll let him off the hook, I owe him for being willing to work on the car. After that maddening fiasco…I demanded a pack of smokes. Give me a migraine, it comes with a dollar sign, ffs.

Am I a bad person? IDK, and I am exhausted trying to figure it out.

Today…The sun was shining, the rain went away, but it was still fairly cold. I didn’t want to get up yet again. I got my kid’s lunch made and took her to school, fully intending to come home to sleep off some of this depression. I even took a double dose of Xanax. Sleep did not happen, at all. Yet any other day when I need to be somewhere at a certain early time…I will nod off. WTF. It’s like my body rebels against me to make me look as bad as possible.

I made a deal with my kid today, in part to save my own sanity. She’s been grounded six days and she was in full Uzi child mode, filling every moment with loud chatter and demands. I told her if she gave up the rest of her allowance for the week, I’d unground her for the next week and let her play with her friends. She agreed (only to bemoan that fact later). Bad person? Poor parenting? The saddest part is, it was less anxiety inducing to have FIVE kids outside playing than to just have my one kid inside driving me bonkers.

Once again…Am I a monster? I don’t think so.

The depression is the fucking monster. My doctor is aiding and abetting it by being so conservative and stubborn in my treatment. I think I see him next week and I AM gonna speak up. Tell him I absolve him if it all goes haywire, but I NEED a more aggressive approach with the anti depressant dose. I’ve maxed at 80 on Prozac so this 20 mg is pathetic. No wonder it ain’t working, if you combine the weather of late and its impact on my seasonal affective disorder. I like this doctor, I really do, but he is just so damned conservative and he can be…cos you know, it’s not his life that is circling the damned drain.

Had a hell of a time getting my kid to bed once she got back from her church thing. She had a fit cos I declared it bedtime at 9 p.m. and she bashed her head against her headboard. Then cried for a half hour. I tried to soothe her, make her laugh, show her concern and affection…She fought me tooth and nail. Nothing was enough. I finally walked away. And she went to sleep.

I feel like a marionette.

The depression is making me dance at its own will.

My kid is pulling strings left and right and laughing maniacally at every turn.

The donor isn’t even a blip on my radar yet still manages to gossip enough to poison me and pull my strings.

I want to take a chainsaw to the strings so NO ONE can ever pull them again.

I read a post earlier where a blogger found this epiphany place that seemed to “break” the depression. Light shone in, things are changing for the better because it is wanted enough.

I want that to happen to me, more than anything.

Sadly…There are no epiphanies here.


6 Responses to “No epiphanies here”

  1. I wish I could send you one of those epiphanies.

  2. Me too.

    Fucking donor

  3. You are functional (ish!)
    You are looking after your kid
    You are playing the happy socialite as required
    You are not wanting to smash your head into mirrors (my current issue)

    So screw the world, you’re a fucking beacon of genius dysfunctional etc etc etc
    And making borderline suicidal types like me smile, now that’s tough, a tough job for a tough bitch

    Any of this working or should I just give you a baseball bat and let you really show me how you are feel!

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