Sorry To Disappoint You

It has happened once again. I have fallen down the rabbit hole, cried uncle, admitted my limitations…and rather than a pat on the shoulder in support, I am told…”You’re a disappointment.” Excellent. I can’t even work up the emotion to be tearful or particular outraged. It’s just so par for the course it’s become redundant. I can’t even fathom making someone else’s illness about myself, about how they fail me, disappoint me, don’t try hard enough…I can’t imagine being that big of a douchebag.

Yet I am surrounded by the motherlode. I guess they think poking the bear will result in some amazing turnabout where I spring out to prove what a badass I am.

I AM a badass. If I weren’t I wouldn’t be shoveling all these fucking pills. I’d just crumble, let mania take me to the dark places I can’t return from. Instead I am being a good girl, doing the med thing, trying, trying, trying. Communicating, telling people, hey this is what’s going on.

Instead of, “How can I help?” or “Take some time til you feel better.” I am just a disappointment who is lazy, demanding, a user, and the worst person ever.

Depression is the fucker that just keeps on giving. The illness isn’t enough, let there be fallout left and right. And even more awesome, when I do spring back, let these fuckers constantly remind me “you can do it, you just didn’t want to at the time.” No way this could be corrosive to one’s psyche.

Corrosive. Yeah, last night was my kid’s school carnival. I didn’t take her. Two hours before she asked if she could go play with the devil girls and I said no. She went OFF. Screaming. Kicking. Hitting. Hissing and snarling like a wild animal. She ripped a curtain down, threw her glasses at me, hurled a kleenex box at my head. It was insane. Fortunately, I am so numbed by lithium I just feel nothing but exhausted. It lasted for over ninety minutes and she kept saying if I’d take her, she’d calm down. I refused. And she physically attacked me all over again.

I rode it out, what choice do I have? And ya know…she nagged a bit, but we ate supper together, watched The Middle, and played with the kittens until bedtime. Which was a half hour earlier for her because she had just ripped out whatever signs of life i had. But I did NOT cave. She’s also grounded for a week from friends and youtube and grandma’s house.

I shouldn’t have to deal with my six year old physically attacking me. This is ridiculous. It’s been awhile since she went quite that bonkers but still…And of course, her little friends who say, “Don’t tell at Spook, I’ll go home.”

Um. Yeah, I asked calmly six times for you to go home. By the seventh time the satan voice is coming out and blackmailing me cos you know my kid is gonna punish me with a fit just proves what devil children you are..

But no, it’s the crazy mommy.

If I get through this kid’s single digits, I wanna be nominated for fucking saint hood in the church of the flying spaghetti monster.

Today I am definitely pms-ing. My back hurts, I am crampy, and I came back from taking her to school and slept three more hours. Without having a glass of tea or even a single smoke. When I am that non functioning, the Jaws theme should be playing.

Now…my goal for today is to shower. It’s been five or six days. I really try, I guilt myself, I sunny side up things but…Depression. It’s the closest simile to being crippled as one can come. Sorry if some find that insulting but it really is a debilitating disorder of the mind. Mental hobbling.

Six days before summer break for the spawn.

I predict she will be grounded a lot. Punishing me as much as her.

Though my allergies are doing that already. I’m allergic to frigging life.

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19 Responses to “Sorry To Disappoint You”

  1. It might surprise EVERYONE to know that although I firmly believe life should always present itself to us in the best possible way, I don’t like sunny side up. I prefer “over easy.” And it shouldn’t surprise you to know that I totally get that your depression and mood difficulties suck far worse than mine do, so I’m sorry. Because of these truths, you are, let me say again, one of the most courageous persons I know, and one of the best moms I’ve ever read in action. You rock, even though it sucks, and I draw courage from your experience, your strength, your awesomeness. Sporks Salute to you. My family would be on the permanent do-not-call registry, and my kid would be either padlocked in his/her room, or on the phone from juvenile hall given the same circumstances, begging me to get them out of that terrible place. Grounding is reasonable and minimal.

  2. I managed a shower today after… Idk how many days. And I’m exhausted for it. We all deserve Sainthood for dealing with the shit we deal with. And you should be Mother Fucking Theresa for the patience you have with Spook. And still fighting. I’m with you lady, right beside you on the derp-ession on hell.

    • You inspired me, Chick. I was looking for ten different ways to avoid the shower, wash hair in sick, dry shave, whore bath…But I figured if you Badass Sass got it done, I could, too. I smell like Irish Spring and depression now 😀

      • Woohoo! We both tackled the hardest thing today. The kids aren’t nearly as hard. Keep em alive and it’s a win-win

      • mmmm, irish spring and fuckitol, such a pleasant air. and my comment triggered a Led Zeppelin earworm, after the slightly less pleasant acid-induced Talking Heads earworm. Mmm. zeppelin, irish spring and fuckitol, the start of a wonderful weekend. if only I didn’t have to work to earn a living for a few more hours. rock on, beautiful zombie whacking ladies!!

  3. Yeah, after my 9-yo hit another boy at school and spent a full day and a half in the principal’s office, one of my clueless acquaintances proceeded to tell me the details of our county’s strict policy regarding physical violence. “Another year, and throwing punches will get him expelled. Then it’s the alternative school or private school.”

    THANKS.

    And this means. . .? As if it hadn’t occurred to me to discourage this behavior until now. As if it’s been all fists all the time around my place, and this information is what I need to start channeling his aggression.

    We’ve been working on this for nine years. I’m well aware of the potential consequences of my failures as a parent. The reminders are much appreciated.

    Screw ’em.

    Only you can live inside the world of your body, your home, your family. Spook is lucky to have you. You are teaching her to deal with her disappointments. You are showing her how to stay even in the face of other people’s nuttiness, which is a critical skill in a hundred places in life. You are sticking by her even when she’s washed over by emotion, and you keep loving her. And somehow in all of this, you’re still doing your best to take care of yourself. You are a superstar.

    • Thanks for the support, it is needed and appreciated.
      Way I view things is…if a kid has some sort of wiring problem, no amount of talking is gonna fix it so all the well meaning advice is null. If a kid has learned poor impulse control, again…as long as it was being taught, it can’t be viewed as parental failure. These monsters are just mini pre-adults and we all know adults make choices they have to live with. So don’t view it as your failure when your kid acts out. We’re parents, not superheros with mind control powers. 🙂

    • She is a superhero. If she had powers it would be less super of her to handle. And so are you. I put my anger into a blog, thank you mum for teaching me that, but as a kid I put my fists through drywall, because I missed the studs, had all kinds of rage episodes but I knew I wasn’t allowed to hit anyone else so I didn’t. Not everyone knows that rule is the rule.

      • That’s the most frustrating thing with my kid. No matter how many negative outcomes and consequences her behavior gets her, she does not seem to learn. At all. I am staying consistent, holding firm, and nothing phases this child.
        Does not make me feel very superhero.

  4. Who the fuck told you that you are a disappointment? Seriously. What batshit person in your circle told you that? They are seriously fucked and should never have you shadow darken their door ever again. At. all.

    It seems a number of us have finally managed the shower thing today. My last on was on Mother’s Day…so , yeah 5 days?

    As far as Spook is concerned I’m with everyone else. You are a total rockstar. I don’t know what I would do in the same circumstances but I’m not sure I’d be so calm.

    • R, it’s always R or my dad. Until the death trap is fixed I am fucked.

      On Fri, May 13, 2016 at 2:44 PM, Take a Ride on My Mood Swing wrote:

      >

      • it’s Friday the thirteenth. According to the flyingspaghettimonsters big book of magic and alien spells, volume 3, if you throw a rotten egg against a shithead’s door (or forehead) while chanting “fuckoff, fuckyou, dumbshit, asshole” thrice, at the top of your lungs (and leaving before anyone recognizes you and has you arrested), this charm is guaranteed to cause the subject to leave you alone. this comment is disavowed as is all knowledge of your actions. ~I AM NOT DM (for legal reasons) I will NEVER be disappointed in you. Ever. You will always rock triple awesomeness.

      • Christ. Hate them

      • Has donor’s health insurance kicked in for Spook yet? Maybe a visit to a therapist who is experienced with children will be able to dig out if this is just her version of being 6, or if something else is going on.

      • I got the card last week, but I haven’t even checked to see if her normal doc takes it or IF it covers psych/counseling. I figure I will wait til it’s closer to her well kid check up and try to do it all in one fell swoop. Maybe I am doing it wrong but if I don’t meter out my psychological resources, I’m not much good to her period.

      • No you’re not doing it wrong. At least I don’t think so. You ability to give while in a deep depression is limited and you need to feed her and bathe her and dress her and that’s already a lot when you are so down.

  5. You’re a warrior, N’. I know this took the remaining spork power you had and dipped into the reserves, which there is never any of. Ahhh, “the gift that keeps on giving.” How true. Unfortunately, how true. xXx

  6. You don’t negotiate with terrorists. You did right to not give in. You are the parent they are the child.

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