Mental Illness Is NOT An Excuse

I am unfocused today. More so than usual. My brain’s ping pong balls are all up in the air and bouncing off of stuff. The weather is cool and gloomy so my mood is low. I am jumpy, feeling almost like my skin is crawling off my bones with no trigger.

So far this morning I’ve had R nagging me about “if you want your car fixed, you need to come help me…”  I try to explain the lithium nausea and say later…He says it’s just me making excuses.

No. No, this shit is not an excuse. It’s an explanation. It’s insulting we even need to explain because even the most simple minded life form can grasp that one with a broken leg is not going to make good time in a marathon and that’s understandable. Depression? Forgetaboutit. No one cares or understands or even attempts to.

I am so sick of being accused of being lazy because my depression  has gotten so bad. Feeling this way sucks. I can’t be more succinct than that.

I am so over this friend thing. Over this car thing. I knew he was going to hold me hostage. His wife told me, no, he won’t do that. I know the man. He’s doing it, I said he would. And it feels like being in a stranglehold.

The catch 22 is…Even if I had the money to take it to a proper shop…They’d keep it for god knows how long and I gotta have a car, this is not the town for walking or cheap public transport. I mean, one would think in such event my dad could loan me one of their five vehicles but nope, doesn’t work that way in my family.

So here I am in a stranglehold. Resenting every minute of it, which is not surprisingly, making a difficult friendship feel even more difficult. And it wouldn’t matter if it was anyone other than R. I just don’t like people having something to hold over me and manipulate me with.

I don’t like the way I am feeling today. At all. No doubt pms is playing a role. I often wonder just how much my hormones have to do with my moods. It’s so strange that shrinks pay no mind to this crucial factor, yet everyone is fine with “pregnant woman are crazy with hormones.”  Imbalance is imbalance, fetus carrier or not.

So much suckage.

I hate derp-ression.


9 Responses to “Mental Illness Is NOT An Excuse”

  1. Damn. Why can’t these people do the right thing? They’d be being heroic. Isn’t that something people want to be any more? I would kill to be a hero. oh, nevermind, that’s kind of anti-heroic, isn’t it? I’m in a stranglehold of my own, which is why I can’t be the hero, which is why I’m bitter, which is why I’m evil. I’m sorry you’re stuck, and I hope one of us gets free and can set the other one free soon. I’ve got your back though, because these damned chairs are tied together. Can you reach your knife? I can’t quite get to mine yet.~Deon M, (Evil Hero)

  2. It all cuts like a knife. I’m sorry you are going through depression.

  3. Your family needs a few z whacks

  4. I’m sitting in a slog of bipolar despair as well, although I am fortunate enough to be far enough into menopause that I’m not having the hormones to deal with too much. I think I have managed to irritate both my MIL and hubby to their extreme this morning. I can’t help it.

    Maybe in my powerball funding Tribal Commune we should have a house built with padded walls and giant pillow all over the floors and only the softest blankets made will be there.

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