Scatterday Showers

April Showers Bring May Flowers.

Actually, today brought rain that ruined our standing yard sale plans. This made it cold which made it hard for me to find any give-a-damn.

My father made an unannounced visit.  Then said he needed to use the bathroom, which is family code for “I do have to piss but now I can also go inside and note what a shit housekeeper Niki is and tell everyone about it.”

I would love it if I were merely paranoid. My family really is that passive aggressive.

Then he started in on how the oil in the car was low and he did a snap interrogation of what all I was “hauling” in my car.

Nothing like being 43 and being treated like a child.

It’s like, if I weren’t already depressed, that would do the trick.

Shitty as his visit made me feel…

I was able to throw myself into  a shower, clean clothes (minus underthings) and I took my kid out to Dollar Tree so she could spend what allowance she had left. Outings with the “I want” monster may be  a normal kid thing…but it is not less stressful for me simply because “it’s a kid thing”. I view it as a respect thing. If she doesn’t respect me enough  to listen and obey me…what’s the point?

Then came the child’s demands. I played with her. Tea party. Her wedding to her invisible husband. Her party for her invisible friend Melissa’s party…And no matter how much I did, she still cried and accused me of hating her, not wanting her, ignoring her…I am one person, battling a crippling depression, still giving all I have to give…and my child wants more.

I’ve got nothing left to give. I am TRYING, for fuck’s sake.

That may well be the most insulting thing about bipolar dis0rder.

To try so damned hard and for it to never be enough for those around you.

So I tried to be “normal” and make it up to my kid by taking her out for supper at KFC. (Child support can be used for that, right?) We went inside and ate, not because I wanted to but because the death trap car that barely ran in the cold rain today…has no window able to roll down for drive through.

I was impressed. She behaved well, ate almost all her food.

Then I felt guilty for spending money on take out rather than at home.

I spent the entire day with the end goal of writing once my kid zonked.

I can barely string sentences together as it nears 11 p.m. because life has sucked the life out of me. It sounds whiny and weak but this is…

This is bipolar. As much as it sucks and drives away those we love…Those we love need to consider the flip side.

We don’t try to be annoying. We don’t wish to alienate.

This is just bipolar reality and YEAH. You better have a pair of brass ones to handle it. Otherwise, you’re not remotely as strong as we are.

Truth. Hurts.

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One Response to “Scatterday Showers”

  1. When hubby and I argued the other day, I finally busted out the “you have no idea how hard I try to at least LOOK happy” argument. And it’s true. We spend so much energy trying to appear ok for everyone else that we have next to nothing left for ourselves.

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