Bipolar For Dummies

I am feeling better today.

I stress this because every time I have a day or two where I don’t want to drink bleach, some jackass thinks it means the depressive bout is over thus my bipolar is managed and all but cured.

If only  it w0rked like that, DUMMIES.

Or shall I say…ignorant folk. Because contrary to popular belief, “ignorant” is not the same as “dumb” or “stupid”. See, if people had been ostracized their entire lives they’d have had time to read the dictionary for fun like I did and know these little differences. (Mrs R has a master’s degree and even she thought ignorant meant stupid.) Ignorant simply means you are not knowledgeable on a topic and face it…Unless you are bipolar, this is not exactly something you know. That’s okay. I can forgive ignorance.

I simply cannot abide the way so many of us suffer through this shit while those around us plead ignorance or inability to understand when ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS ASK US. There’s a plethora of research on line. Read mental health blogs. LISTEN to what we have to say. You’re confused by it all? Try being on our sucky side of the fence. Yeah, we’re real bummed you have to deal with us and our mental health accessories (thanks for that one, Blah) but if you really want to know what it’s like to be “bummed”…Walk in our shoes.

Point of my blathering is…It was better today. Not great, but better. I wrote 14 pages. I ran errands. I did battle with my death trap basically stalling in the road multiple times. My kid had a playdate at my mom’s and my mom was actually civilized and supportive of my parenting. (Ha, guess that three week freeze out did wonders. Bow down to me, bitches, bow down!) I mowed half my lawn before my give a damn gave out and it was like, fuck it, let the landlord send out the yearly notice about messy yards, I’m done.

It is a spork thing. I start out with X amount of sporks and everything I have to contend with costs me a spork. By the time I got to mowing the lawn, I knew I only have a couple of sporks left for cooking my kid’s requested spaghetti supper and getting her settled down for the night. Lawns can wait, kids cannot. Spork management is crucial in this bipolar depression deal.

I’ve had two R free days, which is helpful. Aside from him texting yesterday to tell me the shop computer wouldn’t let him place an order. Well, yeah, I’ve been bitching about how slow and fucked up that thing is for weeks but there’s never a time someone’s not on it so when shall I run a scan? Fuck me, right? Anyway, it took me ninety seconds to order the part from home and he was whining about why it wouldn’t let him do it at the shop. IDK, maybe Kenny’s mommy porn fetish has the computer infested with malware and viruses? But it kind of makes my case for me, pretty much every favor he asks of me to earn cat food or whatever can be done from my home computer, and way faster. Fact is, he can’t be alone, he just wants company. Which is dumb because then he ends up buying me smokes and lunch so it’d be cheaper to leave me at home in my safe bubble.

I try to fathom being that way because my kid is just like him, she needs constant companions and entertainment. I can’t relate to that and I think it makes it harder for me to relate to both of them. I like being alone. I LOVE solitude, it’s not some sad pathetic loner thing. I mean, if I invited you over and you assumed we were gonna go out or just hang out but I spent the entire time at my keyboard writing…would that be fun for you? Exactly. My hobbies don’t require other people to be present. Still, I wish I could relate to the desire for constant or even frequent companionship.

Truth be told, I need alcohol to be around people for long stretches. Yes, I NEED it. I don’t always want it. But if I am to be social and fit into “polite” society…I need liquid courage.

And then sometimes, after a particularly trying week of depression and anxiety, I treat myself. Tonight, with my pasta, I have a nice velvet red, made by St. James. And before I get any nasty comments about mixing meds with wine…My former shrink refused to give me sleeping pills and told me to have a glass of wine at bedtime. So the fact is, while probably not optimal…everyone in the psychiatric community has some cockamamie opinion we’re supposed to follow blindly as we get bounced from shrink to shrink for whatever reason.

If I am going to hell, I shall have wine along the way. Period. Keep your judgment and advice.

But the wine has me mellow, the spawn’s not spewing pea soup, and while my mood isn’t fabulous due to the gloom and coming rain which will ruin my yard sale weekend even if anxiety and depression don’t…I’m better, for now.

Oh, dear, in what is probably a monumental example of mother of the year, my daughter overheard the term “sex change operation” from my show and now she wants to be a boy. HOW do we not have a reality show yet. I am rocking this white trash bad influence mom thing.

Maybe tonight I will write more. Maybe I will just crash, exhausted and spent. I should put a shower on my to do list, I think it’s been three or four days…Maybe? IDK. I bathed my kid last night. She’s the priority. Depressive inertia has deemed me completely irrelevant. I realized earlier today in my baggy sweat pants with my gray roots showing…I must look like a fucking fright, and not in a cool way. I need to get my shit together.

And this is where we learn, in Bipolar For Dummies, that wanting and needing…

Mental health and all its accessories give ZERO fucks.



8 Responses to “Bipolar For Dummies”

  1. Sososososo glad you are feeling better!!! I had one of those days this week…boy don’t we need them?!? Explained sporks to my brother and told him about you and how you’re such a wonderful part of my support network. IN FACT!!!! (Check this OUT) I incorporated your spork to be on the banner/flag of the city in my (first?) short story. I love you, my friend. xXx

  2. I’m so glad you had a better day yesterday! It’s always such a fucking relief when one of those manages to push past the bullshit and settle in for a bit. It helps when those around you don’t push against the bubble too hard, so I’m glad to hear that those around you were relatively well behaved.

  3. heatherruark Says:

    So the spork analogy…brilliant. Soooo relatable. I would watch your show. 🙂

  4. This makes me happy. You deserve a little break from the monotony and dread of real depression. Unfortunately my mania died and now all I do is late under the covers. Maybe the sun will come out for me.

  5. 😉 in £0¥€ you!

  6. ‘I’ ~ I £0¥€ you!

  7. I just found my spork post from last year and i was like damn! We’ve been running on borrowed sporks for too long. Why can’t we work on a spork factory so we can take all we need?? Damn accessories..
    Glad you had a good day mixed in with the sucktacular. *raises glass of scotch*

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