Back To Less Than Zero

Oh, yay. The cable company is putting in new lines today and so not only is their large equipment blocking me in my driveway, the noise from their work has my anxiety in the stratosphere. It’s right outside my window but it may as well be inside with me, I can’t dampen it at all. I took a Xanax but to no avail. This just plain sucks. And them digging up the yard seems blasphemous as I have kitties buried out there and I loathe the notion of their final resting place being defile and disturbed.

Alas, this is something I have no control over. Perhaps that is the biggest issue. Being out of control is a trigger. Not that I am a control freak exactly. But being in control lessens the anxiety. This is all out of my hands and I can’t even escape due to being blocked in. Does Not Want.

So several days since I last posted. Mostly because nothing too traumatic happened outside the usual fall out from battling this depressive bullshit. I went to get my lithium filled. They had to order it. So much for keeping my levels consistent. Of course, genius doctor had to prescribe 150mg @twice a day, so I am taking even more pills now. Lovely. I lost the lottery yesterday and spent an hour in nausea hell, munching on crackers in an effort to keep from tossing my cookies. If that was from one pill, and now I gotta take six a day…cockweasel. Now while he’s cooing about my meds being lower in number and he likes that…I am still taking 12 pills a day. Oh, joy joy, fucking happy happy. I don’t know why he couldn’t have just gone with 300 three times a day, my old doctor did. I guess that would be too simple, he has to make me jump through flaming hoops.

Saturday night supper at Mrs R’s was okay. My kid actually ate the food, though  I pretty much forced her to at least try it. Then R’s youngest daughter and her fiance stopped in. She’s the one I really adore. We sat outside while the grandson and Spook played together. My mortifying moment came when I dumped my wine all over my lap and the step and they were all joking about my pissing myself. Then R mentioned my expert klutziness. Always good for a laugh when you’re already feeling like an inept twonk.

Sunday…I don’t even remember it was so uneventful.

Monday…I had one of those elusive good days. Not that anything great happened, but my depression was at a low roar, I was able to go to the shop to earn cat food and smokes. The anxiety was still present but only in response to people and phones. Those are the triggers, noise. I can’t discern when I became such a wuss. But all in all, it was a good day from a mental standpoint. I let my kid play with her friends for several hours. R came by with Mangoritas and we watched The Forest.

Tuesday was the cold gray rain and my mood followed. My allergies went bonkers, the lithium made me sick…I apologized in advance in case I had to flee R’s instructions (car needs gas so I gotta serve) to hurl and…He asks, what exactly does lithium do?

It;s amazing how all these people have zero problem telling me about how moody or high strung or wacky manic I am yet not one of them knows fuck all about my disorder or its treatment. It’s insulting.

Last night I was exhausted so I did little but binge watch Scorpion and go to bed early.

Today..well all the work outside has me too distracted to write (I did 23 pages between Sat. and Mon.). My stomach is upset. My body aches. My kid is on her school field trip out of town which normally doesn’t bother me but today I keep having these fucked up thoughts about, what if the bus wrecks, what if she wanders off…GRRR. Panxiety returns with bells on.

Since I am at less than zero (my kid asked why the house looks so nasty today cos I haven’t done my spring cleaning of dusting and rearranging, fuck you depression) I am just…binge watching more Scorpion because as it turns out, it’s a good show. As long as you don’t let the genius factor make you feel like a dumbass. I find it fascinating, though I sincerely doubt it’s as harrowing as Hollywood portrays it. It is based on the life of Walter O’Brien, genius IQ of 197.

Oh, the itchy hives are starting. I am jazzed.

So yeah…I managed a few days and now…back to less than zero.

I’d swear at the depression but I don’t have energy to type much more.

Hasta la vista.


16 Responses to “Back To Less Than Zero”

  1. Sorry. About everything. “Gravity is a myth: The world just sucks,” eh? I think my sister found and shared that gem with me. And since you don’t have the energy I’ll do it. Depression, Panxiety, Nausea, FUCK YOU ALL!! I’ve got a touch of all of that today, too, but I’m sure mine is mild by comparison, but fuck mine too. Bleah. I have chicken soup but IDK.

    For your sickness I only wish love were the cure//Your health and wealth would be quite sure. I ❤ You. I oughtta write damned greeting cards. (Except in the adult card store.)

    • I have been taking the lithium with milk (most days) and it seems to ward off the nausea. I forgot it yesterday, taking all my pills as I ran out the door. If milk is the solution…I am gonna buy me a cow.

      • I would so buy a cow if I could afford it, but my freezer would shortly be full of various cuts of beef and empty of all the things I stare at when looking for something good to cook. Pity all I feel I can afford are crapdollarburgers from kingmccraptown, and would I like fries? No they make me nauseous…can I have some milk? No, we only have malk, pumped from evil badger teats. Nevermind. Skip the crapdollarburger too. Probably made with beef flavored sawdust. mmmmm… tastyfiber. Yea for nausea. If we cheer will it run past us and keep on going?

      • Oddly, I love Mickey D’s McDoubles. The price, the taste, excellent.
        If I had a cow, I’d rake the milk, maybe some ground beef for hamburgers, then donate the rest for people who truly appreciate beef.
        I am a cheap date indeed.

  2. Fucking bipolar and all its fucking accessories 😦

  3. What a mess. RE: the wine…why do people have to be such assholes? The times of clapping because someone drops a tray in the cafeteria are over.

    I’m miserable today so I will just send hugs across the way and a fist raised in solidarity.

  4. I was going to watch a soap opera, but this is way better!
    No insult intended, just more fascinating than boring shit and my weird PTSD weak spells are back with thier fucked up imagery
    Yay yay

    Anyway, what does lithium do?!

  5. that”s pretty hardcore, the ground beef thing… 😮

  6. i’m trying to remember what i was going to comment. i got distracted trying to find your “i don’t know what to say here about me” link.
    i nibble wheat saltines and sip vernors when i have nausea. i tried lithium and it was ok for quite awhile but i had to switch to something else, weight gain maybe? it never bothered me otherwise far as i can remember. sorry you have to deal with ALL OF THE PILLS. before my lung disease reared its breathless ugly head i was down to only 3 psych meds and my thyroid med. i was so fucking proud of my fucked up brain. now it takes 10 minutes to list my meds.
    this shit can all go suck a fucking fuck.

    (sorry, i swear a lot. i go into a bar and sailors come running out)

    have a better day today, i hope?

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