Blogjacked By A Dog

I received an email today, from a reader, I am assuming, though I didn’t recognize the name or email addy. It was to inform me a Facebook person was using one of my posts and claiming it as their own work. I moseyed on over to fuckfacebook and…The page is for a dog named Bella. And sadder still…I had to read halfway through (why oh why can’t I have an edit button to stop my rambling!) before I even recognized it as my own post.  I have no idea why a page told from the perspective of a dog would want a long rambling bipolar post but…Um…Okay. Cute dog.

Of course, after defiling my computer by visiting fuckfacebook I ran a virus scan and a malware scan. Cos I don’t trust anything Zuckerburg has to do with.

I shall digress.

My doctor appointment was a bigger disappointment than usual. He wouldn’t even discuss raising my prozac, but he agreed we could settle on 900mg lithium, a concession between extremes. He tossed out his usual, “I don’t want to change too many things and upset the balance. Let’s see in a few weeks if this dose of lithium is making you feel any better.”

Imagine my enthusiasm at another month of depressive misery because this guy is too conservative.

Frankly…Kind as he is…I question his quality of care. He said we could raise the lithium to 450mg twice a day, then he had to consult his smart phone to see what dosages it comes in, and asks me if I get tablets or capsules. HOW THE FUCK DO YOU HAVE A DEGREE IN PSYCHIATRY AND NOT KNOW SOMETHING AS BASIC AS THAT ABOUT THE LONGEST PRESCRIBED MOOD STABILIZER ON EARTH???

I tried to discuss my frustration at how the depression has become so much worse during spring rather than better, like my seasonal is going backwards. I voiced concern about how little quality sleep I get and how drained I always feel. I brought up the lithium nausea and thirst. I even asked him why I’m not losing even a pound in spite of my newfound water guzzling and becoming more physically active outdoors. He said I must be retaining water or eating too much because it can’t be the lithium putting weight on me or slowing my metabolism.

The proof, for me, is that every time I’ve gone off all my meds…I suddenly drop forty pounds, without changing diet or exercise norms.

I walked out of there feeling pretty disgusted. Hell, he even asked if I had an upcoming appointment and I told him, no, you canceled it cos you’re gonna be gone that week,that’s why Jill got me in today.  I guess he was under the impression I’d hit a panic button to get an appointment.

No, that would have been three weeks ago when I begged to be seen and all I got was a lithium increase.

GRRRRR.

I did do something yesterday outside my normal capability. But there was so little time between picking up my kid and going to the doc I didn’t see wasting gas coming home. So I took her to a park along the way and let her run riot until it was time to go to my appointment. It’d rained so everything was wet but she didn’t mind a damp booty at all. She ran riot and was happy.

0421161444-00The whole day, R blew up my phone. I uh…had an toxic lithium reaction. That’s what I came up with because, “Yeah, I’m paranoid and anxious and I can’t really pretend to be normal for your comfort right now” wouldn’t have gone over at all. Empathy about mental illness might well be the man’s biggest flaw and the one thing that’s not changed in 20 years. And I think it’s why I rail against him so often. He gets to keep all his shitty traits that he could well work on but he sees himself as perfectly normal and fine. Whereas I have a brain wiring problem and he cuts me zero slack during my struggles. Kind of feels like he deserves my wrath.

So to atone, I did four hours servitude today even though it took every ounce of strength I possessed to do so. I mean, I was out of smokes, and he did get me some, so I was compensated to a degree. Then again, when your anxiety is running riot, you smoke more, so it cost me as much as it got me. Still…As I told my father the other day when he snarked about me having more money if I didn’t smoke…I don’t buy my own cigarettes except that one pack of month. My smoking is supported by doing bits of part ordering and such for R. If I ever manage to quit smoking, he won’t have much lure for me. Well, after he fixes the death trap, anyway.

It was damn near impossible to get going this morning. He wanted me there at 9. I came back after dropping Spook off and set the alarm for 8:30…Nodded off. Hit snooze when it sounded. And continued to hit snooze until  ten til ten. Then I forced myself to haul ass, knowing I was in for a “you’re not reliable” lecture.  Well, duh, I’m under water here with the depression and the meds being wonky…I never claimed to be reliable. My body wants nothing but sleep these days. I don’t want ringing phones and doors opening and well, human contact. I need to drop out until my mental state solidifies.

Imagine my own surprise when Mrs R called to invite me and Spook for supper tomorrow night. And I agreed. Then remembered his middle daughter is there this weekend and while she’s fine to me…It’s that whole crowd thing. That’s gonna be seven people. Am I strong enough to do it? But I have dropped out so much from social stuff I guess I feel compelled to push myself. It’s a dinner and sitting outside while the kids play, no biggie, right? I am sure wine will be served.

Or maybe subconsciously I leapt at the invite because I know my mom will be calling to ask for a sleepover with her grandkid and Spook did NOT earn it this week (she lost four dollars of her five dollars allowance due to fits and screaming and mouthing off) but of course…my mom does not believe in discipline, at all, so I will be the bad guy keeping her from her grandbaby. This way, I can politely say “Bummer, but we already made plans.”

I am so sick of having to fib and use subterfuge. This mental health thing and its bullshit stigma and the general public’s ignorance…makes me nuts. Nuttier.

And I need a vacation from bipolar and anxiety because I watched a show tonight and they found alprazolam and scopalamine in the victim’s cabinet. They described xanax as a “sedative” then said scopalamine is for anxiety. UM? Yeah? I guess maybe in Canada that’s what y’all use it for but my info says scopalamine is for motion sickness and post surgical nausea.

Yeah, I am picking apart FICTION because I have lived this mental bullshit for so long I probably know as much about the medicine as the doctors. Or hell, more at this point, because I’ve never been giving lithium in anything but capsule form yet my doc asked if it’s tablets or capsules. Wtf.

I am gonna try to get up in the morning and hit a few yard sales. It kills time. It also wards off more time with all the kids in my yard. At one point tonight, there were six kids plus my own outside. Never ever have a swingset, it’s a kid magnet. But they behaved pretty well and it gave me time to recover from my dish trauma so…whatevs.

Now I am gonna curl up in bed, hope the melatonin kicks in soon, and hope I can get my butt out of bed tomorrow and hit a couple of yard sales. I need to get back to me, do me things. And Spook enjoys going, behaves fairly well, so it’s quality time for us together.

One day I hope when my kid asks me what we’re going to do tomorrow…I can commit to something rather than say, “We’ll have to see how I am feeling, I never know how I will on any given day.”

Bipolar is so fucking tedious.

Advertisements

4 Responses to “Blogjacked By A Dog”

  1. If only the dog would steal your disorder as well as your post.

  2. I’m with Blah.

    I hope you can get out to a couple yard sales and I hope the dinner goes well tonight.

    I hear ya about having to lie to people about why we don’t want to do things. I’ve been so happy about my shoulder surgery because when someone asks what’s wrong I can just say “oh my shoulder hurts” and they accept that with no further questioning.

  3. A cute dog profile
    Your blog

    Not seeing it!
    Then again, I see two people together and want to kill myself and can’t even chop potatoes for cooking without pondering ‘How would that feel across my wrists’, so maybe not the best to ask

    Although if I had a ‘cute dog’ blog going I could let my family read it, without worrying about walking into an intervention!

    On the plus side…..
    Really should trying to see the plus side, just adds to the depression!

  4. !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    Incase I hadn’t overused !!!!!!!!!!!’s enough!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: