Shrinking Violet

I was supposed to see the shrink May 2nd. I got a call yesterday that they needed to reschedule. Or should I say, I got a voice mail. Damn phone never even rang. Stupid piece of shit. Anyway, I called them back and the nurse asked if I was doing okay. I told her, not really. So she got me in today at 3:30 since they had a cancellation.

True to my norm, instead of feeling relieved and hopeful…My gut is in knots, I am feeling weak and vulnerable, and my anxiety is climbing to the level I can’t think straight to focus on anything. Tick tock goes the clock. Counting down the hours until I get my allotted fifteen minutes of being ignored. I want to speak up for myself, express how displeased I am being seen every two months when I am not doing well at all. How frustrated I am with never being able to get refills properly, or get a lab report read, or get an earlier appointment date rather than just a med change by phone…

Unfortunately, speaking up often makes things worse for you seem demanding and non compliant. Because ya know, you’re mental and they’re the professionals so any issue you might have is obviously not relevant and simply an overreaction.

Grr, my skin is crawling with anxiety. Pretzel gut is making me too uncomfortable to eat, which means I haven’t dared take my lithium yet. Empty stomach and lithium almost guarantees pukeage. Of course, sometimes even on a full stomach, I hurl.

I have to take my kid with me to the appointment. It’s not biggie. I don’t want to take her to my mom’s. And I am just waiting for the guilt trip for last weeks’  missed idget birthday and the inevitable accusation of, “You’re trying to keep me from my granddaughter because you’re a bitch”. My mom is warm and fuzzy with the calling me a bitch thing.

So much stress. And I am just exhausted. Even my bone marrow aches. Like muscles do after being sedentary then doing exercise. I can’t organize my thoughts let alone any projects around home or the one R wanted me to do. Maybe he found some other minion to do it. I admit when I am not functioning lucidly. (Damn it, I jinxed myself, he just texted for my presence and I suddenly feel the urge to use the “oops, the phone was dead” excuse.)

I don’t think I am ready for lock down hospitalization and shock therapy.

But to go from 120mg  Cymbalta plus 20mg Prozac, down to just the 20 of Prozac…How did this doctor not anticipate the depression worsening? I know they think mood stabilizers have anti depressant properties but for me…they do not. And I feel like his apathy has been a disservice to me. To take me off that doseage then say, see you in two months. I almost feel victimized, as pathetic as that sounds. But he’s the doctor, he’s supposed to help, not let things get shittier.

I’m whining, aren’t I? Because we all know how rare it is to get a shrink who isn’t half inept and totally apathetic.

Just…fuck this appointment anxiety.

Fuck friends who bully me and can’t accept, “I’m not feeling up to it” as enough of a reason not to do their bidding.

I gotta channel my inner badass, out from under the depression and anxiety which weakens me.

Must speak up for myself, MAKE this doctor see that I’ve gone down a dark rabbit hole.

What I can’t do is make him give a damn.

Frick.

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12 Responses to “Shrinking Violet”

  1. Sometimes if I don’t know how to express myself at an appointment, I will read my therapist my blog post. Sometimes it’s easier than trying to describe how I’m feeling and why I’m feeling it. It can be so hard to put everything you want to say into words and get it all in there in 15 minutes and be understood and heard. Sometimes it’s easier to just read one of these posts to let them know how you feel.

  2. “whine” all you want. its your blog.
    i wish everyone could see my shrink. it took like 20+ years but i found a great one. it really is hard to find even a halfway decent one.
    i mean, my dr actually admitted that she is still learning so much about bipolar and that it is still not very understood.
    so this comment was totally hijacked by a message saying Prince just died. sorry.
    i hope you find a good dr. keep looking. you’re worth it.

  3. I’m good at listening
    Heard all kinds of crazy and crap and still good at listening!
    Problem is, I can only prescribe candy coated chocolate

  4. How did it go? I can put Dr Ignore on my list of people to put in the SassMatch 2016 and destroy

  5. “UNLIKE!”!!! I hope (*or as drunk phone texted ‘I ogle’???) you had a productive appointment. Yes lithium + empty stomach = projectile vomiting. BLARGH!! ***I must be the one in 65,477,823 people that have good psychiatric care. Thank GOD! !! Hugs n £0¥€!

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