Brain Cockroaches

I have come to the conclusion that bipolar thoughts are like cockroaches of the brain. The light is always out. The fuckers constantly swarm, running back and forth. They fuck up everything, serve no true purpose in spite of what the ecological party line or doctors say. Brain cockroaches. And mine are enormous Madagascar hissing roaches eating what crumbs of sanity left like it’s free sirloin steak.

I must sound mad as a hatter. Which I kind of am, at the moment. I mean, the day got better. After my inability to drag ass out of bed before nine a.m. in spite of my kid gnawing on my ankle (get a cereal bar, grab some fruit, yes you can wear that dress, all said with eyes half open.) This was baffling as it was A, yard sale day, and B, it wasn’t too cold. I blamed my lethargy on a very long, very detailed nightmare I will get to in a bit, it was so real it was exhausting. I digress…I had no motivation to do anything. I felt achy and tired and my allergy ninjas were attacking, the Jaws theme is playing in the form of teariness, bloating, and ovary oompa loompas. My kid repeatedly reminded me we were going to go yard saling. (Sad I’ve taught her that it’s a verb, saling.)

Eventually I stumbled into some clothes and we went out. Which sucked cos of course, the car is running like shit still. The dish dwellers just irked me. I’ve constantly got the mileage running through my head as to how far I drive and how much it will cost as my fucked up chariot gets ten miles to the gallon. We hit one yard sale and there was so much traffic and people chaos…I was unnerved. And of course, the car had another one of its stalling fits (which it did yesterday, in the middle of a railroad track with a school bus tailgating me and me flooring the gas to no avail) and Spook kept yapping and I smelled exhaust and fuel and just…fuck fuck fuck this.

I’d planned on going out later in the day, grab milk, etc.

And then I took my lithium.

I have not been that ill since flubolapoisoning ’15. I was throwing up, doubled over, sweating yet cold to touch, stomach burning…It lasted over an hour. My ever sympathetic child asked, while I was in the bathroom hurling, “Are you feeling better so we can go to Dollar Tree and I can spend my dollar?”

I can think of no other thing that caused the reaction as I hadn’t taken my lithium before going out (was gonna get milk and all). That with the added depression and lethargy and needing more sleep…I am seriously wondering if my lithium level is too high. I don’t even wanna know how many hoops I have to jump through to get the dr’s office to call in an order for a level check. And they’d blame anything else, cos of course, their meds are king.

I put my phone on vibrate for the day, knowing both my parents would be calling about having my kid sleep over. She asked dad first, then my mom invited her, so of course she thought she was gonna throw grandpa under the bus cos grandma M has no rules…And I just said, enough, no more. No sleepovers, period. In addition to making all those plans without even asking me, she tried to sneak in a sleepover with the devil girls. Seriously? I am hanging by a thread, I don’t need this shit. I am probably gonna be on my mom’s perpetual shit list for not letting Spook come for unrelated idget’s birthday but honestly…It disturbs me a little that these over fifty women have so little lives of their own they center everything around my kid. Maybe my paranoia is high. Spook stayed home with me and I dodged calls.

My reward was for her to gnaw at my ankles some more, ask every five minutes if I was well enough to take her to the store, and then when I did start to feel better…the devil girls appeared. I was relieved at first. Until four hours later as it neared 7pm and they said they had to leave so I put supper on the table and ordered my kid inside to eat…And they came back, which made supper the least of her concerns even though I sent them away and told her she was gonna eat whether she liked it or not.

She threw some attitude, lost some allowance money, but thankfully, no major warblers. She was just uncooperative as hell today. It all started when I brought her back from Mom’s the other night. She kept carrying on about grandma and I said, “You had your playdate with grandma, no more about her. It is time for homework.” And she sneered, “Grandma says you can’t make me forget her!”

My mother is the devil. Obviously she plants this shit in Spook’s head.

Anyway…Spook is bathed and in bed.  I finally took a shower. Only because my scalp felt encrusted with gunk. Damn near beat my own record for consecutive unbathed days.

That is not said with any pride, mind you. I too am disgusted by my current state but it seems the harder I fight it, the worse it gets. When I finally let out a breath today, I managed to get the dishes done. That was my one goal. By bathing my kid and myself and cooking a good meal…I surpassed my one goal.

I am running on fumes. Not looking forward to sleep as much as usual.

Last night I had this elaborate nightmare where I was on a ship. It was like Titanic but not as opulent, just ENORMOUS.  And inevitably came the iceberg (I have no idea) and the ship hit, something exploded, then flames, panic ensues. My god, it was so realistic, I can remember my sleep panic attacks. Holding out for as long as possible, then the ship breaks in half and BAM…into the water it starts to go.

And I was under water and sinking and choking and knowing that as much as I had hated life, I did not want to die, not yet, not like that…So I closed my eyes, reserved my strength, and then shot up through the water…

I was reunited with my parents and siblings, who were unenthused by my survival.

Then I was lodged in a room full of people and I had a nightmare within  a nightmare about hitting the ocean bottom again and someone shhshhed me and snarled, “Sorry my ptsd nightmare is disturbing your sleep.”

And then I woke up.

I haven’t watched the movie Titanic in years. I did a few weeks ago watch Ghosts of The Abyss about the Titanic excursion James Cameron did…I think more likely it’s because the other night  I fell asleep to Unsolved Mysteries Ghosts dvd…and it was talking about the Queen Mary being haunted and how it’s so big, you could fit the Titanic in its hull.

Bam. Nightmares. Not the chainsaw killers, not the true crime shows, not the clowns with knives…

A fucking documentary.

It has been so long since I’ve had such a realistic dream, let alone one I remember in such vivid detail. It was frightening as hell.

So I guess that’s why it’s 10 p.m. and every fiber of me wants to stretch out in bed and just zone out but…part of me fears what nightmare may come next. I mean, the fucking donor was in there and we were still together and didn’t have Spook and I said something sarcastic to him and pissed him off…even in my dreams I piss people off.

I’m not even gonna try to analyze a dream. It’s not an underlying desire to drown on a ship. And even if I did wanna drown on a ship, I can guarantee you my family wouldn’t be present. WTF is that.

On a side note…I am still snickering but have become a little paranoid I might find myself with a flat tire outside the school next week.

This other red car has one of those stick people family decals…And it was parked in front of me and as the family was walking to it, one boy pointed to my decal and said, “Look what she thinks of us!”

Meh, fuck it. It’s fucking hysterical. Fuck you if you can’t take a joke.

I have the utmost respect for stick people as they are the only things I can actually draw.


10 Responses to “Brain Cockroaches”

  1. I think your decal is hilarious.

    The dreams that are so realistic that you wake up feeling like you’ve run a marathon are the worst. And, of course, no one wants to hear that you are too tired to deal because you spent all night trying to survive your dream.

    It sounds to me like keeping contact between your mom and Spook limited is a fabulous idea. She seems to be at her worst after she’s been to your mom’s.

    You’ll be happy to know that my pdoc said that lithium doesn’t make you nauseous. These docs seem to have their heads up their asses sometimes.

    I hope today is a little better for you and that you got some sleep

    • I am holding my ground, mom called again and was irked I didn’t bring Spook over for the sleepover…Like any self respecting 43 year old woman afraid of her psychotic mother going off on her thus igniting a panic attack and hormonal tears…I lied. Dead phone. Nothing personal, sorry.
      I’m only sorry I have to resort to this shit to avoid a war with her.
      I read my lithium label and it says to take with food or milk, which I think very much means it may cause stomach upset. Tell that to your doctor, apparently pharmacists are smarter than M.Ds 😉

      • Well, I got 3 years on you and I’m still doing the dance around my mother to stop her from going off on me, so don’t beat yourself up too badly. You are definitely not alone on that one. And I live 5 states away from her. 😦 *sigh*

  2. Gah! BLARGG!! The roaches in my head are those little brown, gross, disgusting German roaches that get into EVERYTHING. 100:1 ratio hard AF to get rid of/exterminate (notice I had em growing up? ) *Yeah that’s the kind I got. 😦

    • Fuck, I have so many breeds of brain roaches the Orkin man would get confused.

      • & I thought the german ones were bad enough! One thought, when you do let Spook visit the antichrist (btw – YAY for limiting contact& standing your ground) let some of those ungodly pests/roaches hitch a ride to Mom’s. You know, for shits n giggles, MUHAHAHAHA!!! 🙂

  3. Always such good titles and content, Niki. I am always deeply saddened by the distress, which you have to deal with. And I’m over here trying to help you impale those Madagascar Hissers with these sporks. You are so courageous. Keep your strength and tenacity and be good and gracious to yourself. You are in my thoughts and prayers today especially. I remember you telling me Sundays are your worst. XX [[[[morgue’]]]]

    • I haven’t had a chance to ponder my mental state as my nerve endings are fried from kids swarming with spring weather warmth and my kid wanting me to run a daycare for them all. 😉
      It’s likely gonna be a full dose xanax day.

  4. andrewsaltarelli Says:

    Getting close to working up the nerve to steal a car from you. Jk. But damn. God answered your pleas: and exchanged your rainstorm for a hailstorm. Bless him. Brain cockroaches, indeed. Though now it’s springtime in the inner circles of the hell of the Midwest, feels more like brain lions, caged, not happy about it.

  5. PLEASE, take my death trap! I know what you meant.
    I woke up this morning and actually didn’t want to spend the day in bed. I mean I hit snooze a few times but the sun and fact I am wearing a tank top as opposed to ten layers of winter gear…cheers me significantly.
    Though good weather means the neighborhood kids are running riot and I already wish year round school applied if this is what my summer is going to be like.

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