Not. Well.

In addition to joylessness that is a package deal with depression…It has manifested in ways that I find disturbing. The fact that I called the doctor office asking to get in before next month and was instead shunted away by a nurse and told to raise my lithium level (yet she didn’t call in the refill so more chasing my own tail)…I am frustrated and in moments of higher energy, pissed off.

I’ve never been one to day nap. Not without a sleeping pill. Yet for the last two or so weeks, as soon as I get my kid to school, seven out of ten times I find myself going back to sleep even after having slept during the night. Yeah, the wake disturbance thing could have me feeling more depleted but this sleeping during the day thing is new.Not a norm I have ever known. It’s freaking me the fuck out.

In addition to it…I have fallen so far behind on the housework and I want to care but…I am buried alive and literally can’t get into see my shrink short of threatening to harm myself. I don’t see how not to be depressed and defeated amid all this.

My hygiene is still hit or miss. Like maybe I remember to force myself into a shower two times a week and I remember to use deodorant most days…

I try to tell the doctor how extreme it’s become and he’s always on that damn “you come down, we’ll get your mood back up.”

How? Viagra?

This current mind state has me feeling exhausted, darkened, blackened, even. There’s no future and if there is, it’s undoubtedly shitty. Because that is what depression does to you. You need every resource just to fight it, and you’ve got nothing to fight all the situational shit life flings your way…My kid asked for spray cheese on crackers for snack earlier and I told her, “Ugh, do you know how much energy it takes for me to push down on that spray button?” And while I was trying to make her laugh…it didn’t make me laugh because it feels so true. Something so simple yet I am getting my ass kicked.

Thought tonight when R summoned me to his son in law’s so they could put the car on the diagnostic thing at least some clarity might  be gained on that one aspect of project shit storm.  But noooo, it throws out a code to give a general idea, but now he and the son in law are in dispute on where to even start so more research is needed. R finally acknowledged (only because son in law sat in the car and got the full monty, so to speak) that the car is flooding itself with fuel and combined with the exhaust leak, it is pretty important to get it all sorted.

One more thing to frustrate me.

At least my kid is behaving. She is actually doing very well. She wants to have a sleepover at my dad’s this weekend and I am inclined to allow it. I never have problems with her when  she comes back from there cos they’re like me, they don’t view the word “no” as some sort of abuse like my mom does. They do have their own ways of usurping my parental authority. IDK.  I could use a break but everything’s going pretty smoothly and I don’t want to rock the boat with deviation.

I did make one fuck up today which she’s reminded me of over and over. I forgot it was spring picture day so she didn’t get to wear the dress she wanted and her hair wasn’t done pretty…FFS, they sent the reminder thing ten days ago and nothing sense….I’m lucky if I can remember to put on pants, you want me to remember shit ten days into the future? Yeah, I dropped the ball but on the scale of things I have resources enough to care about…Her hair being mussed and her wearing a t-shirt in a picture is not even in the top 20.

All this situational stuff wears me down, but it’s not even that it factors (except for a car that might be poisoning us, that’s kind of a big deal) on the grand scheme. I’ve had bad shit happen my whole life, way worse shit. The difference every time is…

Frame of mind.

And a mind this crippled with depression and zero zest for life….Of course, everything is gonna make me upset, make me overreact, make me feel defeated.

Depression has me knocked to the ground in the fetal position and all this external stuff just keeps kicking at me, helping keep me down.

I wish I could make some rousing declaration about kicking depression in the balls and assert my own badassery but instead….

I’m going to sleep. Shutting off the scumbag brain is often the only recourse I have.


12 Responses to “Not. Well.”

  1. Oh my dear, long missed friend! How many of these words I do live with you every day. The little piece of joy I would feel if I could reach through this post and suck all the fetal positions and lethargic apathy from your life. I’m saving all the sporks I can for you. I know how hard it can be just to survive minute by minute. XXXXX

  2. I’m in the same place as you :/

  3. At least the fact that R is admitting the car is acting up in the way you said is a step in the right direction.

    If you need to sleep during the day, than you need to sleep during the day. Damn bipolar depression is such a fucking nightmare and it’s a bitch to fight. With so much excess shit on your plate, you need the extra rest.

    Do what you can, when you can and spend as much time in Ft. Blankie as you need.

    Sending hugs to you

  4. I wonder… If the lithium increase isn’t making you more lethargic therefore needing more naps? And their feeding the depression even more?? Fuck that fucking doctor and his fucking nurse.
    If the body needs sleep, sleep. And since Spook is doing so well, I wouldn’t deviate from the routine she’s in. Though I know you need a break, I think if she went and came back you would be banging on the Rubber Ramada’s for to be let in.

  5. Hugs! £0¥€ you! Sass has a good, valid point & I really agree. I’m trying to catch up reading all your posts. Lately (I totally commiserate with you) I’m a mental blob wearing a beautifully convincing mask, trying to return to the land of the living

    • Your mask is convincing? I think mine once was but it’s starting to fall away what with the lack of hygiene and stuff. I’m just blessed to be surrounded by those so completely self absorbed they don’t see or give a damn.
      They’ll be the same ones at my funeral saying, “I didn’t realize how depressed she was…”

  6. I’m not having a funeral, I’m just gonna rot right where I fall.

    • I am donating my body to a med school. Somehow, I like the idea of my death teaching students. Also, I get a morbid giggle out of the thought some med student might dance with my corpse at a Halloween party. I have mental problems, apparently.

      On Sun, Apr 17, 2016 at 3:07 PM, Take a Ride on My Mood Swing wrote:


      • Seriously I am to (*After organ donation finished). My one Dr (Dr S worked with) spoke about her cadaver she was assigned. Was treated with respect. Definitely not a morbid experience for her. You still can use your warped imagination, haha

      • Mrs. R is close friends at the university with their mortuary science professor and I guess the “dignity and respect” thing is drummed in for all dealing with the donated bodies. I just know reality and some asshole would disregard it, might as well make fun of it rather than feel demeaned in the afterlife 😉 I have been an organ donor since I got my license at 16. By the time I die, I wonder if I will have a single part left not destroyed by my vices, atmosphere, genetics, or medications.

        On Sun, Apr 17, 2016 at 3:19 PM, Take a Ride on My Mood Swing wrote:


      • I couldn’t think of the terms ‘dignity/respect’ thanks. I often wonder about my organ viability,,, too. I know I cam still donate blood taking my 5 different Rxs.

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