May I Be Sent To Bed Early, Please?

Not yet 7 p.m. and I find that the day has ravaged my psyche to the extent that I so do wish I had a mom to send me to bed early. It’s not even that anything momentous or tragic happened. It’s the fact that try hard as I do, I can’t escape this current mind frame.

Least today I didn’t go back to sleep. Though it wasn’t a lack of curling up under warm blankie lethargy being present. Just more binge watching Judging Amy and hoping against hope that at any moment the “abyss” might fall away.

Another kitten died. I am starting to feel like a feline undertaker and it fucking sucks because there’s no discernible reason for the kittens to not survive. I swear I am toxic or something but only to kittens under 12 weeks. My sadness is further aggravated by the oh, hey, lithium won’t allow me shed a single tear so I have to bottle it all up and who knows when it will boil over and turn me into a drooling tin foil clad crazy lady in the intersection trying to clean windshields with mayonnaise?

My mother, of course, ninja’d me at 7:30 this morning as we were leaving, wanting to know if Spook could have a playdate. Of course, my attached-at-the-hip progeny overheard grandma’s voice and it would have been world war ten if I’d said no. I did however say “I’ll think about it” just to let my mom know she doesn’t have the upper hand.

When I brought her home after 2.5 hours, she was distracted, unfocused, uninterested in homework or reading. She kept goofing off, ignoring my admonishments. And I was guilted by mom to let her sleep Saturday at their house cos of Idget-not-related-to-us has a birthday. I am not impressed. I am also not sure I can rightfully deny though it sure goes to show how fickle my kid is. The other day she wanted a sleepover at dad’s, now forget him, let it be at grandma’s, but only if I don’t let her devil girls have a sleepover this weekend.

Meanwhile I am going under the surface and screaming inside yet silent on the outside because, who the fuck is even gonna listen? I am surrounded by a non support system and ineffectual mental health care. One should not have to threaten suicide just to get an earlier appt with their shrink.

I….need….to remember…to breathe.

I went on an outing today, just a small bake sale thing I always hit every year. I last ten minutes before being out in the dish and amongst its dwellers turned my stomach into gooey pretzels and I had to rush home to the bathroom.

Gross?Sure. But harsh reality.

I have at least an hour before I have any hope of getting her to sleep. Which means an hour of me dreading every breath I am forced to take simply because stupid science dictates that you can only hold your breath so long before it escapes involuntarily.

I. am. tired.

Tired of feeling this way, tired of doing all I can to combat it and getting nowhere.

One teeny tiny snicker (and no offense to the stick people family lovers.)

Jezebel needed some personality so I stopped trying to get into the wrong car.

0413161958-00

 

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15 Responses to “May I Be Sent To Bed Early, Please?”

  1. andrewsaltarelli Says:

    A lot of times lately I take my sleeping pills and turn out the lights at the tail end of dusk, which is not even 8pm. I mean, it happens. That early inward curling wishing the light to die and the sunset be drab and dreary just so some asshole poet doesn’t fucking shame me into feeling like the dead cold dark sunless gloomy void I am for hating and ignoring and avoiding the…what…meaningless blotches of color on the godless sky. Kinda I do it cos I’m a morning person, but mostly I do it because melatonin and benedryll work, and I can wake up at 3am, and go have a moody smoke outside, and then take more benedryll, and wake up at 6 or — lucky day! — 7. So. Feel you, Morgue. You are WAY stronger than me. You are way just more tenacious in your hatred of depression. I’m more like: here I am depression: devour me. BUT. I’ve noticed a trend lately where you get all pissed at yourself for taking naps after dropping off Spook and I just shake my head, because fact is, you stay up late, and don’t sleep well. If you CAN go back to sleep after you drop Spook, GO back to sleep. We need sleep. We are fucked in the head. Or whatever, society is fucked in the head and that fucks with what’s right in our heads because what’s right in our heads gets fucked by what’s fucked in their heads and that fucks what’s slightly wobbly and tilted already in our heads to the extent that you have an entire planet of supposedly intelligent people speaking absolute nonsense everyday about “mental illness”: while we just suffer it and want to die. Either way? Sleep gently, dear Morgue, in the morning, when Spook is school. Dishes are dishes. I will DEFFO steal a car for you soon. You know me. You know how deft i am. How suave. How capable. You know I could steal a car and immediately get caught and run away and be tasered in the testicles and cry out to God on the concrete and He would not rescue me…so…you know…not stealing a car. But. Strongs. And loves. And please. Every time you write a few pages of your…what…..seven million word novel….please tell your readers….not just me. Love. Benedryll kicking in. You said I could comment. Making amends for that time I was all black out and aggro and lunatic. Depakote/Lamictal combo apparently doing okay, recommended, see your doctor first, only been toxic for me twice. (Doing at lowest possible manufactured dosages.)

    • I am torn between thinking the extended cold spring, the depression, the raise in the lithium, or maybe my death trap and its exhaust fumes are making me so groggy.
      But I am sanity challenged so what do I know.

  2. You know, as much as you loathe the thought…you may need to look into ECT. It may be worth looking into to get some relief (and not from R-O-L-A-I-D-S)

    • I am told ECT is reserved for those who have psychosis or are committed to a psych ward and do not respond to medications.
      Besides. If the mini stroke back in 2000 didn’t zap things right and the trauma of pregnancy and all didn’t do it…My brain chemistry is as stubborn as I am!

      • I find that hard to believe about ECT being reserved for those with psychosis and /or are hospitalized. There’s another blog I follow (a few of them, actually) that have started ECT therapy due to med resistance. And a stroke isn’t the same as ECT ;P Personally I’m surprised you didn’t sure the drug company and manufacturer and even your doctor for negligence on their part because of the stroke.
        Maybe you just need a constant IV of cake vodka and camelaffes to ride around the town on 😀

      • It’s not an option I would choose unless I was non functioning period. I’ve heard positive stories, horror stories…I can’t risk any more memory or brain cells without a guarantee of good outcome.
        Cake vodka and camelaffe rides sound very therapeutic. That and a relocation to a place with less severe seasonal weather.

      • Ah i get what you’re saying.
        I believe we should move to Florida. The worst thing they have is the occasional hurricane. I’ll gamble those odds over cold, ice, snow, tornadoes and humidity all in one week.

      • YESSS. They totally need a hurricane named after Morgue!

        On Fri, Apr 15, 2016 at 4:51 PM, Take a Ride on My Mood Swing wrote:

        >

      • I will send NOAA an email 👍👍👍

  3. Morgue, I wish I had something useful to say. You shouldn’t have to threaten suicide to get an earlier appointment with your shrink, but possibly you should. That, or take Spook to school and then set up shop in your shrink’s waiting room, until someone sees you. Make sure you sit in the receptionist’s line of sight so she can’t ignore the fact that you are there.

    • My insurance isn’t good enough for a sit in, they’d refer me to the outpatient room at the hospital then that claim would be denied due to no emergency cos ya know, mental health means fuck all…
      I am thinking maybe there is a method to this doctor’s madness. Like how most psych meds take 2-12 weeks to kick in and reach maximum effectiveness, especially after a dosage increase. In all fairness, I am only on day ten of the increased lithium.
      Still, I worry about the ultra low anti depressant dose. I shouldn’t need it, normally don’t during this season and yet…here I am.
      Don’t worry about saying anything “useful”. Just say anything, feedback of any sort makes me feel less alone.

      • You and Sass are both welcome to come to South Carolina with me! We can have my hubby construct a lovely Ft Blankie in the back yard!

  4. Go to bed early whenever you possibly can

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