The Guilt Quilt

I’ve made mention but mainly, I have been self absorbed, selfish, and focused on my problems. Which frankly…

The not-yet-thirty years old girl who died last week doesn’t even have the luxury of bitching anymore. She left behind a little boy.

The gossip mill has spouted everything from she was home alone five days and her pet dog ate her face and throat…to she was in a depression from a miscarriage thus depressed…then the rumor that her and the bf had a fight about finances so he left her bruised and she overdosed to escape it all…

29 years old.

The girl that last year I was all venomous toward because R’s daughter had basically opted me out and said “C is gonna help you, you are gonna help her instead of Niki.”

So I was nice but silently seething.

And now I feel like an absolute horrible human being.

Talk about perspective.

I know, logically, and long ago, that C had slipped into a life of drugs and, well, debauchery. Her priorities were a faceful of piercings as opposed to just taking them out and trying to assimilate if it’s necessary. I would yank out every lock of my hair if it’d cancel out the bipolar and make me employable.

I still feel shitty.

I went to the funeral home site and left a second virtual candle and message in her honor. It’s not hypocrisy. This is just honesty. I get all tiger mom when  someone might be putting me in a bind where I can’t take care of my kid…It doesn’t mean I wished this girl harm.

Her age might say, woman, but for all considerations…she was a girl without a clue.

Now her son has no mom.

Her mom has no daughter.

Her brother has no sister.

And I still maintain my complaints are legit because damn it, driving a death trap and raising a hellion in addition to being bipolar and having anxiety disorder ARE problematic…

But I am gonna swallow my pride and my complaints and be a decent human being….

This post is dedicated to Chianna. May you rest in peace, sweetie.

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7 Responses to “The Guilt Quilt”

  1. I didn’t realize that’s who you were referring to. Such a shame. RIP

  2. “And now I feel like an absolute horrible human being.” My dear, thoughtful, and caring friend. We are ALL human. Perfectly imperfect. You have comforted me and offered me respite in the midst of my darkest valleys. I may not have responded to every one, especially recently. But I’ve read them all. I’ve cried that you would be SOsosososo selfless to reach out to one you’ve never “met” – but God doesn’t it feel like we’ve known each other since we were kids? You know people’s conditions.

    Please allow yourself grace.

    Please.

    I love you,
    Chris

  3. …and because I’ve promised to send you a song to help you kick your demons in the nuts…https://youtu.be/Fb7F3SU5BRw

    XXXXX

  4. DAMN! Laptop volume was maxed on an external speaker and I clicked the link…Ass and eardrums thoroughly kicked! LOVE it.
    And I love you too, my friend.

  5. I wish you both peace

  6. Well that sucks. Depression sucks, death sucks, drugs and medications both suck, demons suck. I loved the music too, so cool of Chris to share. Hopefully the demons have to stay in hell a while until their balls aren’t sore any more. And I hope all demons hate music and their fucking eardrums are sore too. I’ll play that through the rest of the way when I get back home.

    Stupid taxes are kicking my ass this year. Have to go into debt to pay that specific department of hell, or pay part and beg for an extension. Thankfully those specific demons try to pretend they’re so nice because in the past, their evil wasn’t consumer friendly enough. But sometimes I’d like to play them a tune.

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