Check My Brain

Yeah, now that Alice in Chains song is stuck in my head.

Frick.

My daughter is having a sleepover at Grandma’s, per grandma’s request, not me shirking parental responsibility. Not having to tow her around had me out in the dish running several errands, not because I wanted to but….

Because splat is inevitable and when I go down that rabbit hole, every thing becomes “I forgot” until one day I realize my power is gonna get turned off cos I forgot so long while inhabiting the dark recesses of the depressive abyss..

I’ve had multiple headaches today. The current one is dying down, thanks to far too much acetaminophen. (Like my cheap ass would spring for brand name Tylenol!)  Thing is…I seem to get a headache every time I drive the death trap. And while my idiot surroundings like dad and R would convince me I don’t like the car so it’s some sort of affect…Between the exhaust leak and the car flooding itself with gas and the ensuing fumes combining…I wouldn’t be surprised if it’s poisoning me. I keep asking Spook if her head hurts or if she feels sick after being in the car. She swears she doesn’t. It’s still irking me.

So if I go without posting three days in a row, it’s safe to assume the death trap killed me with its gas and exhaust fumes. I wish I were being dramatic.

I laid down at 8 o’clock due to the headache. I need dim light, low noise, warm blankies, when my head hurts that way. It’s almost like a migraine with the nausea. I thought with all my activity I was entitled to curl up and go to sleep early even if it makes me an old person.

Ha. Scumbag brain has other ideas. Round and round it is swirling. I am breaking out in itchy hives. My stomach intermittently churns painfully.

Why can’t I shut my brain off? I took xanax, it’s not doing fuck all.

Earlier I heard the term “behavioral medicine clinic” in reference to someone with borderline who tried to killer herself. Committing someone who wants to die sounds like a good plan, IF your goal is to protect them from themselves. But “behavioral medicine” makes my skin crawl. Like they flog you with ramen noodles until your behavior shapes up. NO.  Mental illness comes with enough stigma and now it’s being lumped in with behavioral problems.

My brain being out of control is not my behavior. I have done everything to identify my contributing behaviors that make dealing more difficult. I have made great strides.

What I cannot do is make my brain get on fucking board.

I wish I could just check my brain at the door sometimes. Not like it’s doing me any good holding onto it.

Having a headache, feeling so anxious, exhausted and down, on a rare kid free night when I could be doing so many things, things I like, things that need to be done…Instead..I am trapped in this brain with its misfiring chemicals telling me everything is shit and I damn well know that it isn’t but I can’t shake it off.

Fuck my brain.

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7 Responses to “Check My Brain”

  1. The last time I saw my outgoing psych, she asked me if there were any reason that kicked off that long depressive spell I’m still trying to pull out of… um… no? I was bemused because otherwise she has been amazing, but like… if there were reasons that my mood was being shitty, I could bludgeon it with logic until it fell in line. Broken brain shit, not so much.

    • I think of the depressive bouts as a band of ninjas. I never see it or hear it coming but there it is.
      Suckage.
      And the fact a professional could even ask for a catalyst for our depressive bouts boggles my mind. Amazing doc or not..Just, wow.

      • It seriously surprised me. My BFFFF says I can outlogic Spock and it’s helped me survive for so long, but it doesn’t change the fact that I’ve had to deal with severe depression for the past 20 years at the very least.

  2. I hate the term “behavioral medicine”. It’s not an accurate term at all.

  3. Fuck my brain too.

  4. FRIGGIN pimped out my brain? Someone sodomized my brain!

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