Hell Is Other People Mixed With Bipolar

I got this brilliant idea last night, in the wake of my depressive state and being sad about that young girl’s death, that maybe company wouldn’t be a horrible thing even if we just sat in silence. So R comes over wanting to watch Justice League Unlimited and I could not possibly give less of a fuck about Superman and Batman or cartoons but whatever…

I was expected him to be all bummed out, this girl was like a daughter to him growing up.

Couple of beers in him by then, his mood was fine. I was still in “gargle bleach” territory. Then I decided, like a genius, to vent some of my personal frustrations.

I tossed out how the child support took a huge chunk out of the food stamps and how hard it is to get by when 80% of my check goes toward bills every month, not factoring in gas and such. And when I tossed out my disability amount…

Off to the races of “self esteem assassination” we went.

He was outraged that I get “that much”. He carried on, “I work my ass off and barely make three hundred dollars more a month while you get that to sit around!”

Yeah, good thing no shovel was around or his skull would have met the sharp end.

I pointed out his wife makes ten times what he does being a professor (six figures a year) and she doesn’t contribute to any of the bills at their house cos she lives out of town during the week so maybe his poverty outrage should be directed closer to home.

Then he started in on how the cut in food stamps “doesn’t sound right” in that “I think you’re lying” tone, which irked me to the nth. Check out the paperwork, motherfucker. And I learned that the reduced amount is only good through April, then once I receive a full month child support I will be reduced to nothing.

YAY.

All the while Mr. “I have ten grand sitting in one bank account to take the whole family to Hawaii one day” and “I own four cars but only drive one of them” is bitching that I get “too much” disability money and it’s not fair because he works so hard and has a degree. (And never mind, 90% of his financial stability and being able to invest and make more came from two relatives dying and leaving behind vast inheritances as well as life insurance policies.)

Hell is other people. Even without bipolar distorting your responses. With bipolar…I can barely stand to be around anyone who isn’t dealing with mental issues because everyone else is busy being a cockweasel rather than seeing…

 

I am trying so hard here. This is no picnic or gravy train. I can barely drag my ass out of bed these days. I can’t sleep at night without pills and keep waking up. I don’t remember the last time I showered. I forgot to pay my power bill and had to set up payments. I am a damned trainwreck here and my “support system” is all but handing me a loaded gun and telling me to do the world a favor and pull the trigger.

Defeated and deflated are an understatement.

Like I wasn’t feeling shitty enough about myself. Feeling guilty for bitching about the cut in food stamps even if it was just making the point I had all along- the child support isn’t helping, it’s setting us back. Then I have to feel bad for not working because obviously I am functioning and raising a kid so I must be perfectly fine. Let us not forget the guilt for not being able to do better for my kid than living in a trailer park and driving a death trap. (I got the title for that in the mail today, winner, winner, salmonella infested dinner.)

GRRRRR.

R also made some snark when I tried to discuss my concern about Spook’s tantrums, relating it to her definitely being my kid cos she’s “80 percent crazy”. Lovely. Followed by more, “Oh, you just need to spank her ass good, my kids would never act that way.”

If I didn’t need him to fix the death trap I’d seriously be considering a much needed distancing.

Seriously…my dad calls disability my “nitwit” pension and laughs about people stampeding on food stamp day…

My mom calls me selfish for still being depressed when obviously having a kid should cure a legit illness. I mean, all those parents with cancer had miraculous remissions due to having a kid, right? No? Fuck you.

I am just…on the edge here. Day six of my stomach rioting, and it’s just stress. I have to eat to try to avoid the lithium nausea but eating makes my stomach worse. My kid had another mini tantrum last night lashing out at me. I am trying to figure out this new insurance thing, but the doctor won’t take her until I get the insurance card from his policy and then we have to discern if they will cover psych services or any meds she may need….

I also have to find new docs for her eye care, dentist, etc…So much bullshit. And I am in no condition to handle it all right now. I am one step from calling my doctor cos the lack of focus, the inability to get up in the morning, and this total lack of hygiene thing…I am NOT doing well just because I am functioning.

Just…ass trash.

Maybe to cheer us all up….

CLICK HERE TO SEE NEWBORN KITTENS

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9 Responses to “Hell Is Other People Mixed With Bipolar”

  1. Oh my God those kittens are so cute.

    So the government is going to take away from you more than you are going to receive from the donor???? What is that? Some kind of special government math? So now instead of the food stamps paying for your food and the child support paying for her clothes, toiletries, school trips etc, you’re going to have to use it for groceries.

    That is the most fucked up bullshit ever.

    • That’s kind of what I thought, but it surprisingly happens a lot. People wonder why *some* who are able to work simply won’t and it’s because of shit like this- they earn minimum wage, lose their food stamps, have to pay for child care, and turn out worse than they started out.
      The difference with me is, I WANT desperately to work but when I can’t even keep myself bathed…who is going to consider me reliable and employable?
      Just…fucked up all around.

  2. Since you’re dealing with a bad week from Hell and need to drown your sorrows in a good bar more than hear me talk about my low mood, I’ll keep it short
    I hate being alone, I hate hiding who I am from the world, I hate uncertainty, I hate not having any money to spend on something I want

    And sorry if my last comment was insensitive, unless I’m misreading that situation and have fucked up again!
    At least I consistently fail if not succeed in any other form of endeavour!!
    And if I kill myself I won’t be stuck trying to find a lonely space to do it!!!

    • The weird thing is…I’m not really lonely. I have a kid so being alone is kind of a reward and I resent giving up my “me time” just to meet some societal norm.
      Meh, I saw nothing insensitive. We all want to buy things we want. My problem mainly is, I have lots of things even if they were cheap or second hand. Things don’t fix my depression. What I really want more than all else is the money to fix my car, get my cats’ medical care and medication,and eventually get a small house with a yard for my kid to play in.
      None of which I think are spoiled brat wishes.
      Though if I were able to indulge my spoiled brat “I want’ side…I’d have a dish washer and a fridge with an ice maker on the front. Just sayin’…

      • The simple wishes are both the most powerful and best goals, not sure how that helps?!
        And tape an ice cube tray on the front of the fridge and label the sink ‘Low tech dishwasher’!
        And I’m in “me time” 24/7 and it sucks

        I’d refrain from human contact until my dark phase wears off so to avoid offending folks but that would make it worse!

  3. are you fucking kidding me about your parents suck ass sentiments. why do we get so screwed all over the board. i am sorry you are in all of that shit. that makes me sad and angry. NITWIT PENSION. WTFMF

    oH AND did you ever see my Triggers Triggers Everywhere and Everyone’s a Dick post. last trigger S….PEOPLE WHO SUCK.

  4. Most people are cum dumpsters assholes! I hate people-ing!!

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