Equilithium

So, I have three days’ Lithium back on board, four more days to go before I have to trek to the hospital lab for the blood draw. I am feeling less hypo manic but still, my mind is racing and I am agitated. The racing brain gets me thinking and the more I think, the more I want to drink. Because I can’t change so many things around myself and it all causes me so much stress, it’s like no matter the effort I put forth…Nothing is gonna get better.

I intellectually know this a depressive distortion. Emotionally…It seems pretty accurate in my current state. Evidenced by the fact I have dreams about solving serial murders or being stalked by a serial killer and I am disappointed when I wake up to my reality. I mean, seriously. And of course, the gratitude traps screams, “Do you really have it that bad? Stop whining and be thankful for what you do have.” But if you have this mental shit going on,you know it’s a real thing, not self pity, not drama. I mean, serial killers are simple. They either kill you or get caught.

Bipolar is a lifelong stalker that never puts you out of your misery but keeps causing you even more.

Throw in all the other shit life throws at you, relishing even bizarre or scary dreams makes sense.

So this morning…My kid was channeling Satan, as usual, cos apparently she is only a morning person when she wakes me up early on weekends. I mean, she screamed at me, over and over and had her crying fit and…I’ve pretty much grounded her from everything but reading and breathing because there is zero excuse for the way she treated me this morning.

When I cranked up Motley Crue’s “Shout At The Devil” to drown out her screeching, “You are  a terrible mother!”..It hit me just how differently life was when I was sixteen.

As a teenage metalhead, when the term “screamin’ demon” was tossed out, I saw this page from my Metal  Edge magazine.

SCREAMINDEMO(George Lynch’s hair was so fucking hot.)

Now…screamin’ demon is this. Don’t let the cute face fool you.

boop and santa 15

Do I have any regrets having her? Hell, no. It’s just the contrast and the fact I still remember that George Lynch ad all these years later…My life did not turn out as I thought it would but on the plus side…Least I haven’t “grown up” so much I forgot my metalhead roots.

Those are deep thoughts at 7:30 a.m. amidst my child berating me.

Geesh, it’s 9 a.m., and I wish I could have a drink cos the Xanax isn’t slowing my brain down. No, I don’t have an alcohol problem. (Said every person ever who had a problem with alcohol, except I was rejected from a rehab program fifteen years ago for not being enough of a drunk.) I didn’t think the Focalin was doing anything but now that it’s out of the cocktail…Tornado brain is kicking my ass. I am posting more because I have so many thoughts bouncing around and even if they are asinine, it’s better to get them out of my brain and onto this page than let them continue playing ping pong ball in my head.

Fucking insurance companies and pharma. If the meds were more affordable I could buy them myself. I don’t miss the Restoril (I have a stash, it’s just useless.) The Focalin apparently helped more than I thought.

Hopefully once the lithium is balanced my equilibrium will return thus being equilithium.

Until then…Crazy is on the menu. And the mundanes don’t get to call me crazy. Only my tribe gets to use that word cos you know.

I prefer sanity challenged but with my current attention span…

Oh, look a pegacorn…And a giraffe…And stupid cockweasels biting my ankles…

Um…Yeah.

 

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10 Responses to “Equilithium”

  1. Is it like Pong ping pong or Forest Gump whackity whackity whackity sir yes sir ping pong? At least Forest Gump got the “At ease” and honorable discharge. “You get nothing! And you get nothing! And you get nothing! YOU ALL GET NOOOTHIIIING!” (said in my best Oprah voice.)
    Boy Spook seems to be on the sociopath warpath right now… Shame on you Morgue for being a parent and not letting her get away with shit. Tsk Tsk. (Pfffbt. I’m dealing with that right now with Thing 1 and Thing 2…ungrateful little assholes tbh)
    Go ahead and splooge all over your blog, it’s not like you’ll be judged by the 6 of us.
    Sanity challenged: Best. One. EVER.
    As for the Focilin, I can term when NSLM misses his dose because he gets super smart mouthy and sarcastic, loud and just down right annoys the pads out of me. And his ticks get worse as well. Yay all around for you both. Fuckabag

  2. I do love that song. I miss Motley Crue already and they’ve only been broken up (again) for 3 months!! Apparently Nikki Sixx is doing more on his side project Sixx AM now, but I have no idea if it’s remotely as good as Crue.
    I wish there was a way to harness the productivity of the hypomania. I feel like it gives me all this energy, then I’m like Nemo, swimming in circles on a gimpy fin and not getting anywhere.
    Hope the pharmacy sorts your shit out soon.

    • Sixx .a.m. is no Crue but I like their music lots. Little less vapid than metal of the 80’s.

      • Lol I often like vapid (probably cos I’m fairly shallow) if it’s got a good tune, but occasionally I like things with more profoundness. I’m so easily influenced by the mood of stuff like that though; I have to completely avoid some bands (eg The Smiths) because they send me down a depressive spiral quicker than seeing my relatives. Slipknot is totally fine though. If I could actually see a psychiatrist I’d be asking whether it was rapidcycling but since I’m not running round in a box of limes screaming at people that I’m Ceasar they don’t want to know.

      • P.S. I had Poison posters on my wall for twenty years, which is the definition of vapid (least til the third album.) It was just fun music and fun is good.

      • It won’t let me click like on your other comment for some reason. But that doctor sounds a bit confused – how the fuck is having wide and varied musical interests a sign of borderline? My mother was the most clear cut case of borderline I’ve ever seen and she couldn’t abide anything except 60s rock like Stones, Cream, Yes, all those bands. She wouldn’t even go for a bit of Pink Floyd because it was too recent. Also that’s what I was going to say about the best people dying – my mother was the most evil person I’ve ever met, so much so that I started to think I was dreaming my whole life after she died because I was so happy she’d died I couldn’t believe it was really happening (I went very manic) and I assumed she’d live til 80 and that I’d have to look after her again but somehow the universe got that one right (25 years too late but y’know). But maybe it didn’t mean to take her so soon – even a broken clock gets the time right twice a day.

      • I do the mood thing musically (my doctor once said my eclectic taste hinted at borderline but wtf, having varying tastes is fine.) I like Slipknot, the other day I was listening to Moby and Marvin Gaye, I like Bullet For My Valentine, I even like a couple of country songs.
        I like that my tastes turned out well rounded considering how stubborn my parents were about their 60’s rock and plain old tear in my beer country.

  3. Poison is awesome

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