Listless

Listless is how I am feeling on this cold, gray, windy winter day. Earlier my primary thought was getting my kid to school so I could come back and nestle under the covers. The sleep disturbance of the last 14 months leaves me feeling like I can never get enough rest.

I felt like a slug yesterday because I literally did fuck all but cook spaghetti for supper. Yep. I didn’t even go to the shop. Since he went off the other night about all my shortcomings, I figure…what the fuck ever. Because I admitted those shortcomings, apologized, tried to get him to work around my current mental cycle and he refused. I’ve had many employers with more compassion and flexibility so screw him. Of course, he called yesterday evening to ask for a password to a website he uses. Once again, I couldn’t remember and failed. I am just an epic bucket of failure. What weirded me out was he texted twice while he was watching The Flash and my sleeping pill was kicking in and it was just like, wtf. ONe day you tell me I’m unreliable and useless then you’re…UM…I don’t need the confusion, though I could use the gas money given when I put up with him. I have no idea how I am gonna get my kid to school the next five days or feed my cats.

It won’t be kissing his ass, that’s for sure. My mind plays tricks on me as is, last thing I need is some drunkard taking his shit out on me then telling me it didn’t happen.

I think I’ve sold all my dvds for gas money. I have nothing to pawn. As stressful as that is, ya know what? I feel more free than I have in months. It’s like the pillow was taken off of my face and I am breathing again.

Maybe it will sort out, like last time. Mrs R sought me out cos she missed me and Spook. I will never hear an apology from him and why would I, he was probably so drunk he doesn’t remember getting so nasty. Or the ever popular “you took it out of context, I was joking.” I loooooove the way the mundanes use that to screw with my bipolar brain.

I have not been productive today. IN fact the last few days my first waking thought is, is it bedtime yet. It may be the depression talking. I set ONE goal for myself today, figuring if I can do one thing, then I’ve earned my listlessness. It was hard forcing myself to face the laundry room where all the cat boxes are and the messy clay litter feels like rocks and they can’t be scooped but have to be emptied…Ugh. But I did. I cleaned all the boxes, moved it all  to the kitchen to sweep up, put down the rugs, moved it all back, through a load of laundry into wash and a load into dry…

I’m done. Anything else I may do is gravy. And fuck anyone who says I am “limiting” myself by only setting one goal. It’s the best advice a counselor ever gave me, ya know, back in the therapy days when everything was vomiting sunshine.

The wind makes me nervous. Everything does. And I think it’s the Cymbalta. THe lower dose hasn’t helped with anxiety, and it sure as hell has sent my mood downward. Once again, I get to greet the shrink and say,hey, look, another one failed, verbally blog me for being a psychiatric hypochondriac.

Pfft.

I should eat. I already had my lithium gag fest but still, food…I am just too damn listless to bother. Instead…I think I will stare at the pretty fish aquarium video on my desktop monitor and wait for the “relaxing” thing to happen.

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5 Responses to “Listless”

  1. Nothing wrong with a one goal day. A helluva lot better than having multiple goals that you can’t finish.

  2. My therapist advocates one goal a day in the bad times even if that goal is to get a shower and nothing else. Hell, sometimes I’m thrilled that I manage to brush my teeth. Today I got out of bed, but around 1 I realized that was a mistake and went back to bed. I’ll get up to feed and walk the dogs soon. Quite frankly I’m completely impressed you got cat boxes done. That’s a major chore!
    Did I tell you about being really careful weaning off the cymbalta or was that someone else? I don’t remember shit anymore, again. Anyway, be careful with that cymbalta..fucking shit is nasty.

    • Effexor was the worst withdrawal, even with tapering, I had prior to Cymbalta. It took two months AFTER tapering off it all to feel human again. But if it’s worsening the anxiety, I don’t see any other option and trust me…I’d rather gargle Chlorox than withdraw from this shit again.

      • Yeah I don’t blame you. I actually know of people who wean off by breaking open the capsules and counting out the little beads.

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