The Gratitude Trap

What I learned yesterday is that…People in general are without empathy. I was having a terrible day with everything going wrong, Hell, I couldn’t even add minutes to my phone because the website dicked me around for three days over my email address…I had EVERY right to feel defeated and grumpy. I was wrestling with the kind of anxiety that basically turned an outspoken badass woman into a silent statue…Which of course mundanes perceive as grumpy poutiness. THEN my lifeline laptop blue screens me and I get, hey, at least you have that “new” laptop left at the shop. Sure, and if one of your kids dies, you can just use the spare. Oh and the car breaks down so I have to rely on my sister to fetch Spook and she almost forgot. WTF.

And not a bit of empathy to be found from any of my “People”. Just several mutterings of, “She can’t be made happy.”

I call this the gratitude trap. Mundanes don’t get mental disorders so of course, if we don’t respond “normally” with sunshine spewing and pompoms, we are ungrateful and self absorbed brats. To an extent, I get it. I probably should have come from court feeling most triumphant cos seventy a week for her seventy less for him. Witnessing his fakeness “Oh, I want Niki to have full custody, I just want visitation once this is all settled”) followed by his outrage when the lawyer asked if he’d agree to  some back support…GRRR. No, I didn’t feel grateful.

What I felt was fucking filled with self hate that I chose this loser to be a father for my child. How could I have been so fucking stupid? How I am any better than him? She deserves better parents than both of us. So, no, I was not focused on being greedy about money. I was just plain sad that Spook got this as her lot in life. He didn’t even ask about her yet again, just wanted her social so he could add her to his insurance and get the court off his back. HOW COULD I HAVE BEEN SUCH AN IDIOT???? I can’t even claim I was smitten. I questioned his every sentence, caught him in so many lies (not even about important stuff), I always knew not to trust him which was why everything went in my name and I never let him drive my car…I knew. And still….

Damn it, sometimes, guilt and self loathing trumps gratitude.

I am also stressed about the insurance bit as it doesn’t cover dental or vision and she wears glasses so obviously she needs eye care…Then he and I will be 25% liaible each for what isn’t covered. Cos I have money to fucking spare, this has worked out so well for me. Thank god she is healthy aside from the eyecare. I don’t want to have to deal with him over glitches with the insurance card, which I wonder, will her pedatrician take or will I have to upset that part of her world…

And yeah, you can say I am making it all about me, but without me, what does she have? So if I am busy having a meltdown my kid doesn’t have her mom. It’s all connected. Besides, have you heard me say a word about “gimme that back support money to spend wily nily”? Nope. My only concern is a better car to haul her around in. This is about upsetting our lives as little as possible.

There was one highlight at the courthouse. Donor said something and I responded and then he said something and Mrs R snapped, “DON’T YOU TALK TO HER LIKE SHE’S STUPID!”

It hit me at that moment that he always talked to me that way. I complained I felt he was condescending but he convinced me I was taking everything out of context, cos of my mental issues, cos of my personality, cos of my dysfunctional family…For once someone else witnessed it and that felt good. For ten seconds before I went back to “were you in a coma when you found this guy???”

Today, thankfully, has gone better. The car is running, I got my phone minutes finally, Dad took Spook out for lunch so I get a break, and the weather is 70 degrees, sunny, and I am sweating instead of shivering…

I still feel tapped out. I will grocery shop another day. I know people view this as avoidance but really…If you’d just had surgery, people would encourage you to take it easy a day or two.Well, when faced with that much anxiety and adversity in one day, I feel like a surgical case who needs to take it easy a day or two.

So..I am NOT without gratitude. Spook will be getting support so next time she asks to go to cheerleader day camp, maybe mommy can actually say yes, I can afford that.

At the same time…I am NOT gonna do cartwheels, shake pom poms and claim to be grateful for shitty days like yesterday.

Mundanes wouldn’t be expected to because everyone has a bad day.

For whatever reason, if you’re bipolar,you don’t get a bad day, you just have bad behavior and ingratitude.

Goatwhore cockweasel ass trashers.

 

 

Advertisements

11 Responses to “The Gratitude Trap”

  1. mum says if you can’t be happy it was a good performance, applaud because it’s over. she’s wise that way. and a better Christian than she raised, I’m afraid. meh. sorry mum, you raised a guy who likes it when people follow the rules, including this guy ~~> DM Sorry there’s not more to applaud about. ❤

  2. I’m glad to hear you got something out of the asshat.

  3. I’m so glad you’re finally going to get that support. And it sounds like you worked through all the sh*tty situations life handed you recently. No wonder you’re exhausted! Take a break. You deserve it 🙂

  4. Let’s just gather the kids and move to the beach. I could use a cabana boy with a banana leaf to fan me and an endless supply of booze. Oh wait, I DO have my own cabana boy who brings me Cuban cigars. GARCON! Morgue needs an ambiguous male with long hair please! And a CAKE vodka IV, STAT!

    • There’s a joke in Dutch about cake I just learned about, which means I can only source my cake vodka from one supplier… Cuban cigars, really!? How very Sassy. From what I know of Morgue she needs a rich patron who gives her money and leaves her alone. She has a person who is supposed to do that by law, but that contract remains to be honored. What the court should do is require the payment exchange from donor to court, and then direct deposit to Morgue, and if the payment stops, he’s in contempt and in jail. But the beach and vodka and cigars sounds quite nice. I’ll cook, mix cocktails, wait tables and wash dishes. Just send the tickets (wife requires that I have her along for your safety).

      • We don’t care who supplies the cake vodka as long as it can be hooked up to an IV. Yes, my daddy raised me right. I have a palette for the expensive things in life. Yes, that contact apparently is still in the negotiation stage-which is absurd-and Morgue should get her and Spook’s money and should be in jail anyway for being a grade a douchebaggery mcnugget. Js. And would First Class tickets be acceptable?

  5. He should be paying more. What a dick. Glad that Mrs R took a stand for you. I hope that you are getting some good rest. You deserve it. Days like that make normies need a nap. xo

  6. COCKWEASELS!!!! (What they said^)

  7. 70 a week is pretty decent as far as child support goes. My fiance pays 100 a week for two kids. Well, to say it’s ‘decent’ means .. in comparison. I think the child support system needs to charge more because children are expensive.And they should require that he have dental and vision through third party insurances. But … a victory is a victory no matter how small, I guess. What’s sad is that he doesn’t give a shit about his child. Been there, done that. My own father tried to give me up for adoption the day I was born – without my mothers knowledge. Then he signed his rights away when I was four. Assholes.

  8. ARGH my Feedly had a glitch and I totally missed this one.
    Hope you’re okay, getting worried that you haven’t posted in a couple of days… hoping you’re still recovering from “surgery” and that the donor falls down a well any day now (but only after he writes you a cheque that’s good for some of that child support).
    My email is jasminehoneyadams@gmail.com I don’t have phone updates but I will reply as soon as I get anything, just drop me a mail if you need to offload.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: