Graceless Under Fire

I withstood almost six hours in the dish today before melting down. I wasn’t comfortable, I wasn’t happy, but I was…managing.

And then I had to pick my kid up from the mob scene,er, school, I stopped by the shop and R yelled at me for doing something wrong (don’t call after ten p.m. and a sleeping pill and expect lucidity!) My kid just kept yapping no matter how many times R and I chastised her. I melted down.

I was not proud of being snappish and melting down, mind you.

It just happened.

To make matters worse I am having car trouble again, this time with the brakes.

I came home and rather than find comfort…I e mailed the lawyer about tomorrow’s hearing and he tells me he is going to “ask” the donor what he thinks about paying back support. ARE YOU FUCKING BRAINDEAD? What sane person is gonna declare OH YES I WANT TO PAY BACK TWENTY GRAND WORTH OF CHILD SUPPORT!  This lawyer is supposed to be working for me and I get the feeling he is being little more than a “keep the peace” mediator. I am so disgusted and let down, I want every single perosn who pushed the child support issue, thus putting me in an unwinnable position, to burn in hell and live to feel every moment of agony.

Of course, the world views it as me bein g greedy and vindictive.

Fact is, after him doing thbis same thing to three kids…It’s a principle. Forget me, but do NOT forget that you owe a six year old who didn’t ask for any of this crap.

I wonder if I will sleep at all tonight unless I pill-i-fy myself. Which makes waking up ten times harder. Then I gotta dress appropriately with ten layers of fog wrapped around my brain…

It’s so bloody frustrating.

And YEAH, if YOU are burned out with my daily prattlings about “life is futile”…get in line behind me. I want to feel joy, damn it.

It just eludes me.

So I am gonna attempt to sleep, take triple xanax in the morning, and let the lawyer do the talking. Right up til he does the “good ole boy” routine acting like the donor’s BFF and then I am gonna exercise my free speech. Mrs. R will be there to keep me from going over the bipolar edge.

After I survive court tomorrow, I will come home and finally breeeathe.

Only to spend the weekend praying to pegacorn deities that mom’s biopsy comes back negative.

If you think about it…even without depression…it’s not so hard to figure out why I love sleep so much. I can wake up from the bad dreams.

I am stuck living this reality.

6 Responses to “Graceless Under Fire”

  1. What the deuce?!? Fire your lawyer’s ass! He isn’t doing his job! Grrrr… And he SHOULD do back pay. Your finances have had to suffer because of it. He didn’t do his share!! Grrrr…. This topic gets me irate because my sister has five kids and only ONE father pays child support and I’ve had to watch her struggle. Good luck tomorrow! Please let us know right away how it went when you can. And I completely understand about the depression part except with pain. When I’m asleep that’s the only time I’m not in pain…

  2. *shakes head* My thoughts are with you, Morgue. ❤

  3. Praying things work out for you today Morgue…xo

  4. Be strong Morgue. Things will work out for both you and Spook.

  5. Arrrrghhhhhhhh motherfucker. I’m sorry it’s so rough (understatement).

  6. Ugh! I so hate this for you! !

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