The Depression Drain

“I’m getting my ass kicked by depression yet again.”

“Yeah, but what is depressing you? Is your life that bad?”


Depression is considered a major mental health issue and twenty five years later I am still having to explain it to the mundanes around me.

Every February the depression bottoms out, the eventual outcome from all the holiday stress, my body’s reaction to the cold and gloomy weather, the fact I can never get warm…It all adds up to a depression of its own.Throw in a history of clinical depression…

The depression drain.

My kid kept me up half of the night with her wake/sleep thing so of course I am feeling like death warmed over. It was all I could do to get her off to school. I fully intended to curl up under the covers and nap if the notion struck. Instead, my allergies are attacking in a way that means anything but sitting upright results in endless coughing and drowning in sinus drainage. YAY.

My mom made a snide comment about my “uppity” friends (R and his wife) and ya know…Having “uppity” friends, especially one of whom gets your neuroses, isn’t a bad thing. Especially when they toss out terms like “matinee” “no crowds” and “we’re buying.” I got to see Deadpool. It was frigging stellar. He’s my new crush. That sarcasm, mmm, so hot. Not a Ryan Reynolds fan but he rocks as Deadpool. (***Going out…living hell…hated that part.)

Valentine’s Day was….blah. I was gifted with lots of Lindt truffles and my sister got me a Grumpy Cat calendar. (Grumpy cat is just me in feline form.)  My mom got me the coolest thing, which was fur trimmed heart shaped box- of Jack Links’ beef jerky, complete with Sasquatch pic on front and him handing off a rose. That was mega cool.

I bet they spent three hundred bucks on Valentine’s gifts for everyone (half of that on my kid.) It’s how that faction of family proves they care. They buy you stuff. Whereas my dad griped at me about my messy lawn and not being able to get me on the phone so I told him to buy me a prepaid card so he could reach me…Nope. I am not even worth ten bucks to him.

I guess I am a spoiled bitch but rather than all the gifts from one side and apathy from the cheapskate side…It’d be nice if just once any of them said something positive to me.


Pretzel gut has commenced. My stomach hasn’t been quite right since Friday. I swear it’s gotta be nerves.

I have a lawyer (who hasn’t contacted me in a  month) and I more terrified of going to court and facing the donor than I have ever been. And it pisses me the fuck off because I’ve done nothing wrong. I was a less than stellar wife, bfd, move along. PAY ATTENTION TO WHAT’S BEST FOR THE CHILD. Yet I just get this nagging feeling in my gut he is going to make it about us, not her. I hope I am paranoid. But if the lawyer isn’t communicating with me, the state is severing their assistance due to the paperwork being filed…I don’t want it to be some standard issue hearing where the judge hands down child support order and visitation. The issue of him having nothing to do with her for five years almost must be addressed, as well as retroactive support.

Could it be that I am just not happy unless complaining and stressed out?

I really don’t think so. All the anxiety has eroded my confidence to the point I am terrified to drive, like I can’t keep up with all traffic and stops and right of way…The more stress, the more I crumble. I want my self esteem back.

And I think it may be time to admit Cymbalta isn’t working. At the mega dose, it worked. Unfortunately, it made the anxiety increase ten fold. I soo don’t wanna tell the doctor another med has failed..

Off to tend to my allergies. Unfortunately there is no treatment for my biggest allergy-life.


22 Responses to “The Depression Drain”

  1. “The issue of him having nothing to do with her for five years almost must be addressed, as well as retroactive support.” needs to be your mantra in court, quietly powerful, rational sounding. Yeah depression’s hot tongue is licking away at my soul like it’s an ice cream cone, and I feel like I’m melting away inside. Almost poetic, still sucks. But I want to let you know you’re right. ~DM

  2. Your first two sentences are spot on. And I believe there will always be one person to ask you that, unfortunately.
    Great read.

  3. I’m glad you got to see Deadpool! So did I. 🙂 and Ryan Reynolds played the part perfectly.

    Sorry your depression is acting up a bit more. 😦 I noticed mine has too. But it could also be due to being fucked over by a now ex-friend…

    Is court & your mom’s thing on the same day?

    • Mom’s biopsy is tomorrow, court is Friday. Then waiting for her result, which last time for her breast biopsy took over two weeks…Geesh, red tape.

      I am so used to the depression, sadly, that the anxiety is what has me flipping out. I don’t know my mood will lift any if I can’t get a handle on the anxiety, which as evidenced last week…very often has no trigger.

      • Good luck on Friday and I hope your mom’s biopsy turns out okay. I read your last few posts so I can tell your anxiety is active. I am thinking of you!

  4. Sounds like Valentine’s and Deadpool were awesome. I’m not a reasonable person, but I would imagine that any reasonable person would feel like you do about this court shit, it’s a stressful thing for everyone to have to take someone else to court. And you’re right, whatever happened in your relationship or who did what to whom is irrelevant. The Sperm Donor not taking a single iota of interest in his kid for nearly 5 years IS relevant. I just hope that even if he tries for visitation, that he gets bored with it all and pays up the money for an easy life rather than dragging it out through the courts.

    • Well, if he’s crying hard times to avoid support yet has money for a lawyer to drag it out, I think even the local yokel judges might be smart enough to see that 😉

      • Maybe they should make him do compulsory military service as a penalty for contempt of court if he starts lying. In space. Then he couldn’t demand visitation and the military could send you his paycheck. Shame they don’t do stuff like that any more.

      • Dude if they would just deport him back to Canada, I’d be happy. Space, Canada, as long as it’s far from Spook, I’m in favor. What kind of pain in the ass must you be if all three of your baby mamas would rather have you out of the picture and forego the money just to avoid you?

        On Tue, Feb 16, 2016 at 12:51 PM, Take a Ride on My Mood Swing wrote:


      • Canada’s in space, right????

  5. Does Spook even remember him? I agree with Nombre about a mantra in court, but I was thinking that it should be PAY ATTENTION TO WHAT’S BEST FOR THE CHILD but that’s just my 2 cents. I can tell you that lawyers will often not communicate with you between hearings because there often just nothing to say. Try to get your mantra together to keep yourself on task.

    BTW the jerky gift sounds AWESOME!

    • She doesn’t remember a thing other than what I have told her the couple of times we’ve run into him public. Hell, she once found some pics on my computer and said, “Look, it’s Aunt B.” Um, no, it was the donor. He’s just blonde and blue eyed like my sister.
      So, nope, she doesn’t know him and it makes me nervous some judge could just throw her into the lion’s den without some sort of adjustment period. That and she’s feisty like me, I’m half afraid he’ll smack her about.
      My jerky is awesome. Sasquatch and are a planning a fall wedding 😉

      • Fall is beautiful!

        The fact that she doesn’t know him even if she sets eyes on him will hopefully help. ❤ When is the hearing?

      • Friday is the hearing where the state is going to sever ties and no longer assist in getting child support. I guess once the lawyer filed the divorce papers, it becomes a matter for court and not the state. Which means more waiting for an actual date to stand before a judge. My Xanax dosage couldn’t be high enough for this shit if I were let loose in a pharmacy.

        On Tue, Feb 16, 2016 at 12:24 PM, Take a Ride on My Mood Swing wrote:


      • Oh my Morgue. May the spork be with you

    • I’ve seen the courts’ idea of “justice,” and “what’s best for the child” go really awry and that’s why I chose the more complex mantra. Morgue needs that back support and retained custody because it was the original agreement and it is the courts original idea of what’s fair and what’s best for the child. If she just said “what’s best for the child” alone, they might forget she’s been investing in Spook and not in repair and maintenance, paying both her share and his share of “what’s best for the child” at the expense of nicer living quarters and better food and newer clothes for both of them. He should receive no further consideration from the court or from Morgue until he meets his original obligations. He should be garnished double payments until he’s paid up. Can you tell I’ve seen this shit happen to other people and I HATE it?

      • I can and WOW!!!!! I’ve seen many a man skirt his obligations but never had to look at it from the perspective of going to court. I hope he does get garnished as well. i wouldn’t want to see Morgue go through this again because he’s still not paying.

  6. I had to bring my Cymbalta down to 60 from 120 mgs.

    • Yeah, that’s what happened to mine, too. It wasn’t that the 120 made me manic, it was just heightening the anxiety so much I couldn’t stand feeling “wired” all the time.

      On Wed, Feb 17, 2016 at 9:18 AM, Take a Ride on My Mood Swing wrote:


  7. Deon Mumple Says:

    already praying for you for tomorrow

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