True to my talent of being a klutz…I promptly fell in the snow again today. I had the car door open so I grabbed and only one leg whacked on the metal door plate. Gotta love days that start out like that. Oh, and the “how many times is the car gonna die” game, that is always fun at 7:30 in the morning.

After getting her dropped off…I watched my shows. Flash, izombie,X Files…I was fairly calm. The cold and gloom have me down but at least The Dark Thoughts have pissed off for the moment. (Next week is my mom’s biopsy and court, so the dark bastard thoughts will return.)

Thenย  Iย  watched Chicago Med. Featuring a wonderful bit where a DOCTOR is talking to a psychiatrist about a bipolar patient on lithium and says, “They don’t need these medications, they’re just indulging themselves. They need to buck up!”

Yeah, I nearly had a brain bleed. Because while that was fiction, that mentality, sadly, is not. It makes me wish I had the super power of forcing others to walk a day or two in my shoes and deal with all this psychosludge. Then I can tell you to quit indulging yourself and buck up, see if you might find it offensive.

R beckoned me to fetch him lunch when I went to pick up my kid as his car battery is dead. I wasn’t amused simply because Kenny was right there at the shop, with a new better running vehicle…Yet it’s my ass going through the drive through with a car that keeps dying…And he didn’t offer me a smoke or anything in return. He’s back on his ungrateful bastard kick. Maybe I should drop a subtle hint Mrs R’s way that she needs to uh, put out, so he’s not such a dillhole to the rest of us.

So I went to pick her up. No biggie. I mean, yesterday, I even took her inside amidst the crowd, and let her buy a couple of Book Fair things. And I wasn’t a spaz, so I saw no reason why I would be today.

Ninja panxiety. Just came from out of nowhere. All the shrieking, it was snowing, all the bright colors, and the rude little brats bumping into me then yelling at me for bumping into them…I got her in the car. I parked in a space that is normally easy peasy to get out of amidst the chaos.

Not today. No, it was wall to wall cars and blowing snow and kids darting into the street and buses taking up half the road….I basically fell apart. I was all but frozen, unable to decide what my next move should be because there was simply so much going on around me. I didn’t know which way to go. And all the while I am talking to myself, cos I do that during panic attacks…Then it hits me that I am carrying on like a lunatic and my kid is listening and I’ve probably just scarred her for life with my idiocy.

It took TEN minutes to find a safe way out of that madness.

I was fine before.

I don’t get it.

And that is what makes it psychosludge. You can be going along doing great or at least staying afloat and then from nowhere, you got ten anxiety ninjas coming at you from every direction. Good mood? Same thing. Mood swing ninjas attack from all sides. It’s just sludge.

Since getting home things have been calmer. We got all her Valentines filled out with their lollipops attached. I get four and a half days of my angel all to myself since she’s out at 12:30 tomorrow.ย  I am hoping my mood will remain propped up on a popcicle stick and my anxiety ninjas will stay at bay. I’ve finally gotten her back to where she is minding me, last thing I want is her staying at mom’s. Of course, the guilt card will be played eventually on both sides and I will have to suck it up….I don’t get it because I had zero problems integrating her back into our routine when she returned from my dad’s.

To end this on a positive note…I’ve written about 20 pages in my vampire fiction story. It’s drivel, of course, but…if it wards off the bad thoughts and keeps my brain somewhat entertained…

I am gonna go with it.

We got even more snow today. I am starting to think I need to invest in bubble wrap and pad myself head to toe since I can’t stop falling down.

Now…a line from izombie that I found hysterical….

“You don’t think showing up in the hearse is conspicuous?”

“It was this or the zamboni.”





14 Responses to “Psycho-sludge-cicle”

  1. Glad to hear the little one is finally giving you a break! ๐Ÿ™‚

  2. I love IZombie! You should try Z nation on Netflix if you have it!

  3. We should buck up! At last we have the solution to all of our problems.

  4. iZombie is good. I haven’t counted how many bottles of hot sauce I have…maybe I shouldn’t have said that out loud…

  5. Buck up little camper….It’s just your imagination! Fuckers.

  6. I stopped indulging myself & am bucking up. After just 5 days & zero lithium I’m happy to say FUCK YOU DOC! NOW I NEED BAIL $$ MONEY!!!! PFFFTTT!!! STREET TROLLING CUM BANK!!

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