Less Than Zero

I am describing my self esteem. Less. Than. Zero.

My kid decided, overnight, that she wanted to spend the weekend with my dad and his crew.

Yesterday she had a crying fit and begged me not to make her go with them because she wanted to spend time with me.

WTF?

I took her to the store with me today and she did her normal “want want want gimme gimme” bit. Then she talked to the cashier to the extent he couldn’t ring our stuff up right and I politely corrected her four times…to no avail. Outside I told her to straighten up and show some respect or I’d spank her.

I’ve spanked her maybe three times in the last year.

My drama llama put on a show at Dollar Tree, asking SIX times, loudly and in front of people, “Are you gonna spank me?”

She kept asking for stuff. And wonders why I do my errands without her.

I told her she was grounded- no computer, no Uno, none of the things she likes. I even told her, “As your punishment, you HAVE to go to the truck show with poppy for the weekend.”

That was when she threw me a spiked curve ball and said she WANTED to do that.

I have washed my hands of her drama and let them have her for the weekend.

For five seconds earlier she let me feel good by saying, “I want to spend time with you, Mommy.”

The instant I chastised her for being disrespectful, she wanted away from me.

I asked her why she hates me so much. She said, ” Because you always say no.”

It’s kinda my job as a mom to say NO YOU MAY NOT PUT A FORK IN THE ELECTRIC OUTLET! NO YOU MAY NOT STRANGLE THE CAT BECAUSE YOU THINK IT IS FUNNY!

I feel dejected. In my head I keep hearing my idget mother snapping GROW UP!

It’s not a maturity thing.  It’s a “I am busting my ass to do right by this child and nothing is ever good enough and I feel hopeless and inept!”

I try to be tough, to be strong, to not let it get me down cos I AM the adult…But ya know what?

Adults still have human feelings and it fucking hurts to put yourself on the line for the good of another only to have them tell you a thousand times you’re not doing well enough. ESPECIALLY when there’s an absentee parent involved and the child(ren) give them far more credit than they give you. It’s not even about credit. It’s about being appreciated for all that you do as opposed to being castigated for the few times you miss the mark.

I am sure the childless would be happy to sneer, “If you weren’t tough enough to handle how kids are, why’d you have one?”

Were it so easy as “I had a kid and I’m not tough enough to handle their demanding needy nature.”

I think most parents, and single moms/dads especially, feel every reminder of failure like a machete to our hearts.

Or I am just PMS-y.

I don’t know anymore.

I know right now the evening lithium has made me nauseated and since I am kid free…I think I am gonna wash away this day and all its bullshit and curl up in bed. Sleep doesn’t cure but it can rejuvenate and help build up strength for the next catastrophe.

Hopefully I sleep before I throw up.

Stupid fucking lithium. How can something work so fucking well yet make you wish you were dead due to the constant side effects?

 

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28 Responses to “Less Than Zero”

  1. I gave lithium a few weeks, nausea, vomiting and explosive diarrhea was too much for me and then it went toxic and I almost had to go to the hospital. NO Way! Not like it was helping any either.

  2. Nope, nope… This childless person ain’t sneering at you and never will

  3. This childless person isn’t sneering, either. Almost sounds like Spook used some reverse psych on you? Hope you get some much deserved rest. ❤

  4. This childless person piles on and is not sneering either. The only thing I know for sure is that eventually she will appreciate you for all of this. However, this does you no good in the moment.
    It has occurred to me reading this though that she is one smart cookie. Is she too smart for the classes she is in at school? If she’s bored at school (because she’s too damn smart for the slower pace) maybe something can be done on that front. Move her up a grade or something. My elementary school had advanced reading classes for the wicked smart. Maybe something like that is available at her school. Maybe is she is using her brain more while she is at school she won’t fuck with you quite as much.

  5. Another person without kids also not sneering: Being a single parent is the hardest job in the world. I literally cannot understand the mechanics of how it works. Is time bending involved?

  6. We single moms gotta stick together and be the Devils. Both Monkey and NSLM are at the “I’m gonna fuck you up for back talking to me” stage right now and there’s nothing I can do other than ride it out, and talk to Florida about it. And the best and worst part: he talks to the kids and puts them in check. Idk what I’d do without him, honestly.

    I think Leslie is on a good path about Spook being too smart for her own good. NSLM is. He’s so smart he’s lazy. Hopefully you can look into advanced classes for her?
    (no oompa loompas for me)

  7. Drama llama just reminds me of Dan and Phil!

  8. One day, when she has a grasp of what the word ‘hate’ really means, I don’t think she will use it so freely. Hate to her, is not getting what she wants. Thank God perspective changes with age …. for most of us anyway. I know quite a few men and women that still act like a-holes when they don’t get what they want.

    • Oh, she tells me all the time when I ask why she hates me, “Because you always say no.” I tell her that’s my job as a parent.
      Unfortunately once the hormones hit, I take everything way too personally and lose perspective.

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