The Shame Game

Today has sucked. Yes, I know, I sound like a broken record. No, I don’t give a damn what you think of me. I am venting. I don’t promote this blog. I don’t forcefeed the url down anyone’s throat. This is my therapy so if it offends anyone…————->there’s the thingie to click and exit the page.

I have been pondering, simply because it happens so often, my fitness as a mother. I mean, I was dealt a shitty hand of cards, I was born at a disadvantage, but I have been here since day one. When it would have been so much easier and less anxiety provoking to walk away from the mom gig…I was still there. Breaking out in hives, not sleeping well, crying behind a closed bathroom door…BUT I WAS HERE FOR HER.

So you can only imagine how galling it is when a couple of simple remarks make you doubt yourself.

I know all the arguments. “If you were really strong, a comment or two wouldn’t touch you.”  Or an old classic, “If you’re so sure you’re doing right, then nothing anyone could say would make you doubt yourself.”

When your entire life is spent surrounded by people whose only joy in life seems to be running you down so you can never build up self confidence…Things are very different.

I have never faltered on the “fluff” factor. I don’t give a fuck if you like the way I dress, my make up, my hair, the music, shows, music I like….That doesn’t phase me at all. I am true to myself, you can go fuck an electrified barbwire fence if it bothers you.

Since having had my spawn…

I am suddenly very sensitive, very paranoid, very defensive.

So when some jackhole (usually a member of my family) makes a statement about how I gripe “too much” about how my kid annoys me and strains my nerves so I must not really love my kid or be grateful to have her…

I reeeeeeaaaallly want to get out the shovel and smash some skulls.

Just because your central nervous system is especially fragile and every tiny thing threatens it, let alone a hyper aggressive super loud chatty child, doesn’t mean you don’t love your kid or appreciate how special being a parent is. What it means is…you are a human and your nerves get fried. This is NOT exclusive to those with mental issues. Most normal parents find their children a challenge on their best days…It does not mean they love their child any less.

I think it’s absolute  bullshit to be judged so harshly for “venting” when the stress in your life has skyrocketed.  I don’t care if you’re a mom, a dad, a nun- we all have a breaking point where we need to “vent”. To deny a person of something so therapeutic, especially with “guilt” and “shame” techniques…is plain sadistic.

And this is where I say thank you to various factions of my family.

My kid is at my mom’s tonight. When I dropped her off, I told my mom that we have a nightly ritual of playing a few hands of Uno as it seems to put Spook into the sleepy zone. My mother snaps, “I don’t have that problem, she goes to sleep for me just fine!” Never mind this wasn’t the point of me establishing a routine with my child that works. Nope, it’s all about my mother reminding me I am the only one Spook acts out on. I told my kid not to go hugging people, in light of the lice season, but then my sister’s friend is there and tells Spook, ” No, you can hug me any time you want.”

Being invalidated at every turn SUCKS.

Then my sister informs me dad and stepmonster have scraps for my cats and my vacuum bags I asked them to get since I don’t the gas in the car to run to walfriggingmart to get…so I rush home, under the impression they’re en route. Then I spend five hours so anxious I can’t take a shower, a nap, or even go to the bathroom cos waiting has me so bound up.

Miserable.

So  I waited four hours for them. The new microwave made my popcorn chicken overdone but my mashed taters ice cold. I can’t work up energy for a shower. I am ready for sleep. Even without the spawn….I am drained.

Proof? R gifted me with a laptop that’s barely 2 years old cos the guy thought $20 for the repaired hinges was too much and never came back…Rather than being all happy and stuff…I managed an Avast quick scan (67 viruses) but truth be told…I don’t have the give a damn to deal with it. Least not now, in spite of the nice weather and ten hours of my kid not pounding my brain with a verbal sledgehammer.

This is depression.

And I feel utterly ashamed because I should be stronger. Because my kid deserves better than a mom who is mental.

She deserves better than someone whose self esteem is so eroded she is having nightmares and night terrors about taking the donor to court for child support…

NO ONE would make a diabetic, a cancer patient, someone with MS- feel ashamed for “failing” their kids. No, they would be credited with battling their condition and still being a caring parent.

Mental illness….

I am chopped liver and it has nothing to do with my poor self esteem. It has everything to do with the cruelty from a society too ignorant to equate mental illness with physical illness.

The shame game sucks and ya know what?

I fucking quit.

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10 Responses to “The Shame Game”

  1. I know I’m not a mom and all, but…I disagree. You don’t know what lessons Spook is learning. She may grow into an adult who’s life focus is helping people with major depression because she’s so intimate with the issue. She may go on to help countless of others because of her unique experience of having YOU as her mother. Don’t discount yourself. ❤

  2. Don’t quit. You’re absolutely right. Society doesn’t care about mental illness no matter all the efforts we put forth to get equality in care and access. As for being annoyed with your child, puuuuleeeze, I have a 20 year old living at home that drives me up the wall. I think you get to be batty when a younger one with more energy is going at you nonstop.

  3. I don’t have kids of my own and in the shape that I’m in I’m often glad for that. But, I think of you every single day. Your family may shit on you, but you are someone I look up to. How you are managing this extreme bullshit AND raising a kid is beyond me. It’s beyond obvious that you love Spook and that Spook loves you.

    The bullshit that you are going through with the donor has got to be making everything feel worse.

    One of these days you will be in a position to fight back and tell everyone where to jump off. Until you are ready to do that (and after), we are here for you. Vent away woman…we can handle it.

  4. Kids are harder on their moms than anyone, because their moms are a) the safest place on earth and b) the framework where the kid learns to push/shove/make/break boundaries. So the poor mothers always get the brunt of it. Except your mother, who’s just being revoltingly unfair and manipulative and I’d like to smack her about a bit.

    Then on top of all of that, you’ve got the intense turbo boosted empathy that the nicest of us bipolars is blessed-cursed with.

    One day Spook is gonna tell you that you’re a superhero. Till she does, I’m here, telling you that you are a fucking superhero, for getting all that mothering done in more than trying circumstances.

  5. FUCK! “Normal” people doubt themselves as adequate/good parents from time to time. For people with mental health issues like us – paranoid, anxiety, depression, etc, it can be ten times worse. Having family members that constantly and knowingly shove your insecurities in your face and belittle you is beyond wrong! No wonder you feel this way. I call BS!! Fucking wrong ! Especially involving a child who clearly can see this going on. Are they sadistic in some kind of way? I know you’re dependent on your family to help you out cuz obviously you know being the only parent is HARD! but that’s totally uncalled for. Knowing this you’d think that theyd be even more supportive & behind you. and I feel for you! ***FYI kids tend to be harder on their parents. I mean my grandson Jayden listen to me sometimes more than his mom. I tell her that’s the way most kids are, nothing she’s doing wrong. ( the doctor that I used to live with who has 7 kids actually said there is a saying it doesn’t matter how your kids at home it’s how they act when you’re out in public hahaha. So given her profession, etc. A universal thing, it’s kinda true)

    • I really don’t rely on my family for much and avoid all factions as much as I can. Still, the grandparents are entitled to see Spook and her them…Just gets tiresome that I am put in the line of fire for my brief presences dropping her off. Today was….rant to come later. I wish we could just move far far away from them all.

      On Sun, Jan 31, 2016 at 3:17 PM, Take a Ride on My Mood Swing wrote:

      >

    • Oh and as Sandra says, yeah when my daughter was growing up, me and her often could barely stand each other for a while. NORMAL! We’re great now. NORMAL! I mean you’re obviously going to have this so don’t feel good about that either. Don’t let anyone make you doubt your parenting skills!! ♡♡

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