Chain Reactions, Brain Reactions

Sans child and with the benefit of 60mg Restoril…I slept most of the night, waking only once.

I got up this morning and launched right into my to do list. Put the chicken on to boil so I could make noodles. Started laundry. Put a new bag in the vacuum, made sure it worked. Took out trash. Forced myself into a shower.

And then the first link in the chain….The chicken (given to me by my mother who got it from her friend who got it from a food bank) was freezer burned and tasted like rubbery cardboard. I didn’t realize this until after I’d already added noodles to the broth. Talk about a let down. And knowing my mom would be let down was even worse but man, you give me a freezer burned bird, what can I do? My magic wand is in the shop.

So around noon I figure mom is probably getting worn out by the spawn and likely going to visit her roommate in the hospital out of town today…I go to get my kid. And my kid yells at me that she was getting ready to go outside with Trigger (once of my sister’s random bum friends, called this because she has a horsey face and yeah, I am mean, fuck you.) “You ruin everything!” Spawn screamed at me, tears flowing. “You make me angry. You need to go home and come back when I am done playing!”

I was…devastated, truthfully. Then my mom jumped to her defense and said, “You never stay, Niki, you always gotta leave fast, Let her play!”

My mom is the devil.

I told Spook, “You really hurt my feelings being so rude.”

And my idiot mom snaps, at ME, “Oh, grow up!”

This from the woman who spent years sobbing any time my sis or I hurt her feelings.

I asserted myself, “She does not have the right to speak so disrespectfully and rudely to me.”

At which point Horsey took my kid outside to play and when they came back in, they’d had a “talk” and of course my kid was contrite and mimicking proper emotion…Only to launch back into her tirade about me messing up her fun.

I didn’t think it could get much more despicable.

UNTIL my mother started prattling, “You know, the donor has more money and a hell of lot nicer home for her than you do, he’s going to take her away  from you!”

Time to flee. The whole time my kid stomping and pouting and telling me how I ruined her fun.

I started crying. Yes, I know, you don’t cry in front of kids. Whatever. I haven’t cried in two fucking months and after that assault…I was goddamn entitled to some stress relieving tears. I am busting my ass fighting for my kid, I have done nothing but right by her, and my kid is cruel to me, my mother is cruel to me…I earned every one of those fucking tears.

From there it was just a chain reaction.

My brain’s reaction was to slip into a depressive defeated abyss.

I am having nightmares about this situation with the donor and the realization that once it’s all court ordered..I will never be free to leave this place, never be free to escape my family, my demons, or show my daughter that there’s a bigger better world outside this tiny town. I will be wearing and walking in the cement shoes that accompany child support and visitations. We will both be at his mercy. He can miss days, reschedule, file court papers, change jobs so her support and insurance get canceled…Hell, he could even take her back to Canada with him.

It’s a fucking nightmare I can’t wake up from and for what? Three, four hundred a month? All it costs is everything that holds my frayed seams together.

And the kicker is…He’s left all his kids. When the woman left him and took the kid, he had a fit about her “taking” his kid away. Yet he left Canada to come to the states with the second wife, leaving behind his young daughter. He left his son in Kansas because it was a small town and there was “no future” for him there. He’s been here almost 8 years and I always thought it was Spook keeping him here yet not once in almost five years has he asked to see her, mailed her a birthday card, etc. Why can’t he just go away? Sign away his rights, I’ll sign away child support.

I want my calm serenity back.

Yes, I know, a million couples hate each other but they share custody and visitations, it’s stressful for all…

For me, with all my disorders, I fear it might be fatal.

So today has sucked. My kid has accused me four times of starving her because I dared to point out four times, “There’s fruit in the fridge.”

My self confidence has taken a beating today.

I do appreciate all the support my readers give me. Your perspective is needed because, let’s face it…Even my own blood thinks I’m incompetent. Which if I’d walked out on Spook or was sitting here with booze and smokes while she had no food to eat…Then you could judge me. But her every need is met so why are they such assholes?

I don’t blame this chain reaction on bipolar (though  the anxiety sure as hell factors in.) But I started the day functioning, accomplishing, feeling level…And ten minutes at my mom’s and…I feel like pond scum. I don’t believe, of course, I’ve always known my family are overly critical nutters. This is just not the time to be picking on me as I have enough on my plate with the donor situation. You’d think they’d have some empathy. God knows they have it for mom’s sick roommate, for that school mate of my brother’s who died, for animals with genetic skin conditions, even they get empathy from my family.

Not me.

I’ve told them all a million times…I don’t stay long because I can’t handle being outside my bubble for long periods. Nothing reaches them, nothing even helps them understand or attempt to. And it’s a sign of what has surrounded me all along- the people are me are so self absorbed and narcissistic that even my mental illness is an affront, thus about them. There’s no, “Sorry you’re having such a hard time.”

I get “Grow up!” or “You have a child now, you don’t get to be depressed!” 

The healthiest thing for me, and I’ve had multiple therapists tell me so after meeting my family, is limit my exposure to them to the bare minimum.

Maybe I need to enact a policy of my sister picking Spook up so I can avoid my mom altogether. Of course, that won’t fly because “Your sister is busy working her ass off, you’ve got nothing but time!”

Never mind the 14 years she didn’t work and mom raised her kid. Never mind I worked or tried to, all those years, and no one ever felt bad when I worked sixty hour weeks.

I truly thought when this day started I’d have the elusive optimistic post today.

Which just proves…if you think, you stink.


10 Responses to “Chain Reactions, Brain Reactions”

  1. OMGOSH…seriously! OK…first…GREAT JOB getting sleep and getting started today. It was very healthy and I hope you have more days like that! Second…what a family you have survived and continue to survive everyday…grrr! I relate…my family joined my ex in telling me I was THE REASON my son was suffering from a genetic mental health issue. I was “making him scared of everything.” During the divorce their position was “if I had just cleaned a little more…our marriage might have worked”…mind you, I worked full time, dropped off and picked up the kiddo from care, fed and bathed him, put him to bed and cleaned all day Saturday….but I “should have done more” UGH!!! Things have really changed for the better in my world and if there is one thing I can impart to you it is that detaching with love is the way to go. I am still trying to get it right, but I’m doing better and better. If you find yourself sleepless, check out the website I breeze past the religiousness and just absorb the message. It’s really helped me regain a position of equality in my family, instead of the dog that keeps getting kicked. Please don’t feel like you have to do this, I’m just putting it out there because it helped me. I know how the divorce trap is frightening and overwhelming, so I feel for you. Hang in there!

  2. I am so sorry it all went downhill so fast. I know you’ve been super stressed about the donor and the court case and I sure don’t blame you for that. Your mother reminds me of the way my mother was until about a year ago. And the therapists were right, minimal exposure was key. I tried my level best to keep the conversation centered around the weather and if she called, well, I was always on my way somewhere (even the bathroom works) so I couldn’t talk long.

    I wish that there was something tangible that I could do to help. But, I know that there isn’t. But I’m sending love and prayers for peace and strength across the internet and I hope you get some sleep tonight. ❤

  3. Dude I know she’s your mom and everything but damn! Fuckin fuck COLD! horrible for her to say something like that to you. I mean that’s the lowest of low, I don’t see how any Mom can sink so low to talk to their kids like that!! This pisses me theFUCK off majorly, hurts me! Bitch!! (My Dad’s mom was like that, even pinning her kids against each other. damn I AM going to have to come out there and kick somebody fucking ass am I!!

  4. I’ve been in some kinda way lately n I’m irritated n bitch n shit so it ain’t gonna take nothin for me to snap out. Yes Sissy! I’m just thinking bail $$!

  5. Some people shouldn’t be allowed the precious air to breathe. Doesn’t matter if they’re family or not: assholes are assholes are fucking assholes. You do NOT need that shit and sure as HELL don’t deserve to be treated that was as a parent in front of YOUR child.
    Honestly, I bet that’s why Spook acts like she does is because she’s already seeing how your family presses your buttons and she can do it too and know that there won’t be any repercussions at Gramma’s. And that’s utter bullshit, yo.
    And if you feel the child support isn’t worth it, have him sign over rights. It’s not like he’s been there anyway, AND he’s abandoned is OTHER kids without a second thought. Douchebag.
    Sending you Strongs, Morgue. ❤❤❤

  6. Your mother is teaching your daughter that it’s acceptable to treat you like shit. It’s not.

  7. My four cents (what I’d do in this situation if I managed to suppress the urge to get a knife and stab them all, I’m amazed you haven’t stabbed them yet, that’s far more self control than I’d have):
    1. I think we learn how to parent from our parents, sometimes we learn how not to parent, but still she can’t pretend she’s perfect and that you’re useless without it being her fault (i.e. not perfect). Conclusion: You’re NOT useless, she’s NOT perfect.

    2. I know it’s short term relief to leave Spook with your mom but long term she is fucking you over and undermining you, so you end up leaving Spook with her more often. Children don’t learn things spontaneously, all the vitriol Spook is coming out with is coming from your mother and other relatives constantly putting you down. And it sounds like she keeps doing it because the more she acts out, the more chance she has of staying with your mother. You need nice people in your life who say and do nice things (I know, where the fuck do these unicorn people exist???) and support you. If the sperm donor DID get visitation, would he also be badmouthing you to your child because if so, that’s another reason to fight him, and if not, it might be an improvement.

    3. I’d also call your mom’s bluff on the “good parent” thing by saying to her, “OK, SHOW ME HOW I SHOULD BE DOING THIS if you’re so perfect.” Then she can either put up or shut up. And just let her talk about how she does things. It’s a good opportunity to internally practice reciting the alphabet backwards for if you ever get pulled over.

    4. Your mother is the one that needs to grow up and learn how to speak to adults. You’re not a child any more and she shouldn’t be treating you like one, especially not in front of YOUR child (not hers). My husband’s mother does it to him every time she calls, and I see him go inside himself and wilt every time she does it, and I just want to beat her with her stupid boxes of crap she keeps finding in her attic and trying to get rid of by “giving” to him (i.e. more useless crap we can’t throw away) until she learns to shut the fuck up and accept that her son is nearly 40.

    God, people like that are so infuriating!

    • Biological parent rights be damned…I am convinced her seeing the donor is going to be detrimental to both her and to me. This is, after all, a man who was cheating on me, snuck his stuff out, then CALLED to tell me our marriage was over. Four years he’s not tried to talk to his child even when she’s out with the grandparents instead of me and I am supposedly his entire problem.
      I fail to see how his involvement at this point could benefit her at all, and I know dealing with him and all his mind games won’t help me. Kind of out of my hands and up to the lawyer and judge now.

      As for letting her stay with my mother…I allow maybe two sleepovers a month, no playdates, no visits. I keep contact to an absolute minimum because I know my mother sends the wrong messages.

      I just think the best thing for me and spawn would be move as far away as possible from all these ingrates. Unfortunately…I have a feeling the donor is going to make sure I never get to move anywhere, out of spite. Because if she meant a thing to him, he’d have at least sent her a Christmas gift or something over the last four point five years. His only motivation now will be, “I’m paying so I have a right to see her.”
      The courts really need to fucking fix that. If you quit a job, you can’t go back 4 years later like nothing happened and demand the job back.
      Parenting should be exactly like that.

      • Yeah, when you put it like that, I can see how he would make everything worse. Do you get a chance to tell the court that he’s not even asked how she’s doing? All those court, social services and what not type people are all labouring under a massive delusion that society buys into, that every child is better off with two parents. It’s as fucked up as all hell. The whole lot of them sound infuriating. If you were married, and now you’re raising his child, and taking time out of your own life to raise his child (regardless of the fact that she’s your child too), then he should fork over the cash and take a hike back to the rock he crawled out from under.

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