Today’s mind frame can only be described as unsettled. I did my dish time, singing for my supper with R, or playing lackey for a pack of smokes, as it were. The entire four hours I was out, doing fuck all but keeping him company, fetching lunch, and making sure morons didn’t pester him…All I could focus on was what time can I go back to my bubble…It was one of those high anxiety “bugs crawling on my skin” days and we all know there is no respite, just gotta ride it out.

Returning to the bubble helped, but a yappy defiant child did not. At one point she told me she wanted a better mother. (This, after yesterday morning’s shocking “I appreciate everything you do for me, Mommy.) Kid gives me whiplash with her fickleness. Her noise just makes me want to deafen myself. Especially come bath time, or well, shower time as it was tonight. She just has a fit, it’s too cold, it’s too hot, there’s soap in my eyes, you don’t give me time to play, you leave me in until I am pruned…Fits, tears, fighting me…I dread bathing this child, in all honesty. I always thought bath time would be fun. Nope, not with my kid. One more hurdle to clear in a day filled with hurdles and me ill equipped to get over them.

I got myself showered, woo hoo. I am in a holding pattern on further vacuuming as I  had to order bags and they won’t come til next week. See, I figured the bag had filled cos it was spitting dirt back out. In fact, one I finally got it open…the back had exploded inside. I called my sister to ask about it and she said they used the wrong type and had to modify it, so that’s probably why it exploded….Lovely. By the time the bags get here and I figure out how to put one in, I’ll be back in apathy sludge land, too leaden with depression and anxiety to even want to brush my teeth, let alone clean floors.

I’m not really sleepy but the anxiety today…wore me out and all I want is my comfy fort blankie. I don’t want more noise, I don’t want cats stampeding and climbing on shit, I don’t want to hear cars driving by noisily with their bass thudding…I want peace, quiet, comfort. I want to wake up tomorrow and have another “energy burst” and do some stuff around the place. I don’t want to be paranoid and terrified of what this child support thing is going to bring down on me. I don’t want to break out in hives like I did today because my nerves are raw.

I want to feel settled.

Because feeling unsettled is as comfortable as walking across shards of shards of glass, barbwire, and a bed of nails.


2 Responses to “Unsettled”

  1. Here is to a deep peaceful sleep that brings you energy and an easy tomorrow! ***sips wine***

  2. Relating to this so powerfully tonight.

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