Double Edged Swords

Courtesy of Lithium, I’ve not been a hormonal teary mess this week. Flipside, I woke this morning with such back pain and cramps, I wanted to beat the ovary oompa loompas with a cast iron skillet. It took me an hour just to get out of bed and make my way to the kitchen for some Tylenol. This certainly explains., though, why the last two kid free nights I’ve been exhausted and in bed before 9 p.m. Shark week usually does embalm me so that I am the walking dead. So yay, no teary bitch syndrome. Boo for the cramps and such still being in full force.

Another doubled edged sword..Though it’s really a good thing, IF I don’t think about the flip side: Since I didn’t get that bday card in the mail on time, by chance I happened to remember my uncle’s number so I called to wish him a happy bday. He truly seemed shocked that I remembered his birthday (really, not hard, his is Jan 16th, mom’s is 19th, mine is 22nd). For five minutes I felt like I’d done something good. I know my uncle thinks I am self absorbed and avoid him but truth is…He still lives in that piss ant town where I was tortured for so many years and it’s 40 miles away, so in addition to my past trauma not wanting to be revisited I can’t afford the trip. It’s not really personal. I wish I could go there on  occasion, they have miniature ponies and stuff and I am gaga for animals.

Shortly after calling him, my dad called me and told me to call my uncle back, for he knows of a country lawyer he’s worked with who he’s willing to cash in his “credit” with so that I can make payments and not need a retainer up front. I talked to the lawyer, he sounds pretty nice, he took some info. He is going to draw up paperwork for a divorce hearing as well as retroactive support AND holding the donor at least partially responsible for legal fees. He will meet me at the courthouse Friday.

Hells, yeah. I will be armed with a high class friend AND a 6;7 lawyer with the appropriate documents and he will address the judge.

Of course, playing devil’s advocate is my thing and knowing this lawyer’s rates for drawing up papers and court appearances…If I don’t get retroactive support and the donor isn’t held accountable in part for the fees…I am so screwed. I’ll be paying it back for the rest of my natural life even if it’s done in two hearings.

I know, I know- be thankful for this major victory (makes me wonder why it took my uncle four years to offer this idea up).  I can’t not think of consequences, though. If I can’t repay this lawyer, then him working with my uncle presents bridge burning territory and that’s a lot of stress on my unstable ass.

I can’t deny that it feels good to know the lawyer will be there with appropriate legal docs. Less chance of the donor steamrolling me with his good acting skills. Maybe the divorce is about me and him, but this retroactive child support is about our child. Her rights should be legally represented. (And I told the lawyer the state only intended to pursue one month retro support, he said we are definitely going for more than a month as the donor seems to be a chronic deadbeat.)

Flip side: I am a nervous wreck pondering this whole thing. Hell, I can’t even go into a bank without feeling out of my element, let alone a court house. Just going there for a copy of a birth certificate freaked me out. I doubt I will breathe until after it’s done. Only to probably get another date and have to do it again. Yes, I will have Mrs. R for support but the thing with panic attacks is…no one can talk you out of the heart palpitations, the sweating, the trembling, the dizziness…I will double my Xanax before going but (and I am contemplating not wearing my glasses so even if the donor glares at me, I won’t be able to see it let alone get psyched out.) I am still gonna be a basketcase. Just the condition the donor likes me in so he can play with my mind.

I also worry in this rural area where all the judges are male about getting some dude who had a bad divorce where his ex got support and he still holds a grudge so he won’t award a dime over the law’s minimum. This probably sounds crazy to city people but in small old boys’ club towns..It’s very real..

I guess I am resting up, thank you shark week for draining me. Spook was at mom’s Friday night, then yesterday dad showed up from the blue and said they wanted to take her maybe for one or two nights. When this low, I hate being alone, I need her noise and vibrance to remind me I am alive.BUt I couldn’t crush what she wanted just to make myself feel less lonely.

Very depressing nights, for rather than get anything done…I was zonked before 9 p.m. both nights. Of course, it was like this before I ever had a child around shark week time so I can’t say it’s unusual. It’s the norm.

I went to the library Friday and checked out some Skippyjon Jones books for Spook. She just loves those books about a siamese cat who fantasizes about being  a sword fighting chihuahua. (And of course, there;s some lobby out there calling the books racist, which makes me wanna stab those idgets with sporks, cos the books are absolutely adorable, even I like reading them.) I am trying to push the book thing cos she made the comment the other day about feeling sorry for people who “had” to read books. Nope. When all technology dies, books will still be there. They are not punishment. They are to be appreciated and treasured. I will drive that into her skull if it kills us both.

I need to drag my ass out into the dish today because they are calling for -1 tomorrow, meaning the car likely won’t start. (And mom is back on my ass about getting it transferred from her name to mine and I keep telling her it’s gonna be about two hundred dollars between transfer and getting insurance and she said she’d try to “help” but I am using pennies to buy bags of cat food, so where does she think I have a spare cent, as if I don’t have enough stress right now). I need to get more cat food (dollar bags don’t go far when feeding over ten cats and no, I am not gonna starve the outdoor strays cos it saves money), I need some groceries which means, ugh, Aldi. I need to go to the shop to print something out but he and Kenny are always there and I don’t feel like dealing yet mom’s bday is Tuesday and I need that print out so I can make her an Elvis collage…

Cloak of invisibility really should be a thing. So I can just go unseen on days where my brain is being more scumbaggy than usual.

On a good note…My cat Voodoo, who vanished last year, came back yesterday. He’s the last of my bobtail line and oh, I was over the moon that he came back and didn’t hiss. He went back out this morning but I am hoping he knows to come to the door if he gets too cold. My boy came back to me, just like my Willow girl did. If only I could bring back bella and Abby and Arsenic from the dead…

On a very ewwww gross note..I don’t think I’ve showered since Tuesday. I have no legit excuse other than laziness and simply forgetting. I still use deodorant and all, so it’s not like I reek. My hair is pretty gross but I keep saying I am gonna put on the hair dye and the dirtier my hair is, the more likely it is the color will cling…

Or maybe I am batshit.

I don’t know anymore.

My meds are still in a state of flux, though, so it’s to be expected. Raising that Lithium to 1200 after only being at 600 for a week makes me very nervous.

I think the fact I’m not all teary and hormonal pre shark week speaks volumes as to how effective the Lithium is.

It’s all a doubled edged sword, even the good stuff leads to strife.

Get me a pill that does away with that shit.

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11 Responses to “Double Edged Swords”

  1. I got my head outta my ass and called a lawyer this week, and by George I applied for the Pro Bono program so I can get my divorce and support. We are on the same page with lawyers.
    You should pack your spork launcher for court, and have Mrs R use it on the donor. Fucktard.
    Does Spook have school tomorrow? My kids are out. Stay warm. And so happy Voodoo came back.
    I got baby and puppy loves last night, and my ovaries and uterus are screaming JUST ONE MORE!

    • Spook s out of school tomorrow though she doesn’t consider any day where she doesn’t receive candy or gifts a holiday.

      Voodoo keeps nose butting me and I just want him and Juju to make me a litter of fluffy bobtails to nosebutt me some more… I think I am addicted to cats.

      On Sun, Jan 17, 2016 at 11:15 AM, Take a Ride on My Mood Swing wrote:

      >

      • Kids. Mine are always excited to sleep in on school days they get off.
        Awww kitteh headbutts are the best. I’m sure you might get your wish of fluffy bobtail babies.
        Cats are your crack. Babies are mine. “Space for rent” my uterus is screaming.

  2. Sweet news about the lawyer I hope he pins all this maintenance etc on the sperm donor so you get the lot. Sounds like the lithium’s at least partly helping… wish I could get onto it. It’s what I asked for when they gave me Seroquel. They keep telling me it’s not a second resort. Fucksake. Am having the Seroquel-related memory loss but it’s very sneaky. I don’t notice it until someone asks me about something that I completely can’t remember. Bleurgh.
    How can a book about a cat be racist???? Some people will get offended at anything…

  3. I figure that as long as I half-assedly bathe once a week, that’s enough. Good luck with the court shit.

  4. Not showered since Tuesday? You sound like me. I guess there’s always tomorrow. Happy kitty boy came home! Mew new!

    • Dude, I hit the trifecta today- I ran errands, I dyed my hair, AND I showered! And having done all that I’ve been ready for fort blankie and sleep since 3 p.m. cos it drained me.

      • WOW! What got into you!?! COOL! I gotta dye my hair. It’s been like a year (I don’t have grays, just change of pace). My daughter bought mine (burgundy) 2 weeks ago.

      • I had that box of dye for six months. I must have “meant” to use it a thousand times but…Depression. I envy these people with depression who can still muster up all the make up and hair style and nice clothes…

        I gotta train one of the cats to dye my hair and do my make up for me. Dear God, I’d look like Mimi from the Drew Carey Show.

        On Mon, Jan 18, 2016 at 9:50 AM, Take a Ride on My Mood Swing wrote:

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      • I totally agree. My Nikki volunteered to color my hair. She’s doing it next Mon/Tues on her day (s) off,

  5. Awesome news about the lawyer. That will make a big difference in court. Now you don’t have to try to talk through the anxiety and make your point…dude in the suit will deal with it. If things don’t work out send him $10 a month and tell him that if he wanted more than that that he should have won the court case. It won’t come to that though. You’ll be good and asshat will be made to pay

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