Whine with no cheese but lots of righteous indignation

So today has been…an epic fail of disappointment, soul crushing reality due to misinformation, as well as feeling dejected and beaten to the nth degree.

I got it in my head to call the state’s attorney office, desperately hoping, praying, using voodoo, that I would not be required to appear at the child support hearing next week. There was ONE moment where the state’s attorney told me I didn’t have to appear and I breathed a sigh of relief…I’d been lead to believe (by moronic family members and friends and public aid) that the donor would be held accountable for supporting Spook since the day he left four point five years ago.

Ms. State’s Attn informed me, however, that she, as an agent of the state, can only request the donor be held responsible for support for Spook from the time the papers were mailed, December 11, 2015. That’s ONE month, even though he walked out four years and five months ago, not offering so  much as a pack of diapers or birthday card for his child. The state’s attny lady was nice, don’t get me wrong, this is just apparently how the state system works now (which is vastly different from how it worked ten years ago when all my know it all advisers were spewing otherwise into my ear, thank you dad and stemonster)

State’s attorney said even if the donor shows up with all his financial docs, there’s a good chance support will be based on minimum wage, never mind he has a  managerial position at a home improvement store thus is making well over  minimum wage. Livid doesn’t begin to describe how I felt learning this. I was always lead to believe it was based on current monthly income…Apparently, it is more important to the court system that the chronic abandoner of children be able to keep his excess income so he has money to support his gf and her kid, and allow them to buy smokes, pop, and go out to dinner twce a week as well as buy new electronics with every tax return…

I swear for a moment, I thought I was gonna vomit involuntarily.

I mean, do the parental units, society at large, as well as the courts PREACH that if you had a child, you are responsible to help care for them?

So WHY, after this douchebag Canadian present only on a residency card, get to walk out and not support his son in Kansas for seven years, then go on to not support Spook for four and a half years all the while claiming to be this upstanding above reproach citizen? I mean, I’m only including his failure to support his two remaining  MINOR children. He has a daughter in Canada he pretty much quit paying support on once he came to the states, so there’s another six or so years he paid nothing and contributed nothing to her life, either. (He claims he’s emailed her but “she won’t answer because her mother turned her against me.?)

Fairly sure no custodial parentage “turning” is needed once a child finds out you abandoned them, it speaks for itself, even to small kids.

I have been in perpetual freak out all day since the state’s attny informed me she could only seek a month’s support. The paperwork I filled out had a box for “seeking retroactive support” which I did check…Now she tells me that back support is at the judge’s discretion and I can ask for more, IF I have  a good reason and proper legal documentation (as in, done by a lawyer) explaining why I feel entitled to back support for the last four point five years. Livid doesn’t begin to describe how I feel, after four years of being fed misinformation by “well meaning” people.

Boiling it down…it’s MY fault. I never should have trusted the word of my idget family por their “expert friends familiar with the system”. I wanna scream I AM SO SCREWED.

But frankly, much as we need extra money…It’s NOT about me or the donor. He helped create her, he should be held accountable. I wouldn’t even protest to every cent going into a college fund accessible only by her on her 18th birthday.

It’s never been about money for me. I am used to doing without, to making do with what I have. It’s not optimal and of course I feel lousy when I have to explain I can’t take her to the school’s monthly skate night because it costs money I don’t have. BUT this is not some “omg, he dumped me, I am so bitter I am gonna make his life living hell!”

Think the one thing he’s never grasped with all three of his kids, cos he has such issues with women…Yeah, the money for support may come to the mother, but this has ZERO to do with me or him. It’s about the child we made together, by choice. Why should I be held completely and solely accountable while he skates free? I am sorry if that seems bitter or petty…I just remember so vividly when I was pregnant and couldn’t be medicated so I was ten kinds of wonky…And he had the audacity to say, “This is YOUR pregnancy, but WE are having a child.”

Which only applied til two months after she turned two at which point he couldn’t “do this anymore:” and ended our marriage via sixty second phone call. Then smashed the phone to bits so I wouldn’t be able to contact him unless I called his job, which could be held against me for being a “stalker” and endangering his employee status. (Yeah, I’d say it’s part of my persecution complex, except I was witness to him smashing his phone from his last ex, as well as having an ex hauled off by the cops for simply bringing his Ulcer meds to his workplace…Man is sorta…evil.)

I spent most of the day freaking out. Stewing with fury, and even calling stepmonster to let loose on her and dad for they spearheaded the campaign that as long as I received food stamps and medicaid for Spook, the donor would have to repay it all. See? I didn’t even much mind the motion of whatever back support he paid going back to the state while we received nothing. But apparently, the new laws state he is only held responsible if we received TANF (cash benefits) and even with my partial disability income we never qualified. So….

Because I can’t get a lawyer, or even legal aid advice (“don’t handle support cases”), to draw up the appropriate paper requesting back support…My kid is getting screwed over.

I don’t give a flying leaping pegacorn if every bit of back support were put into a college fund for her, untouchable by anyone but Spook til she’s of age.

Hell, yeah, I need money. I need a damn car that runs right and isn’t in my mom’s name.

BUT the donor always maintained child support was paid to the women so they could spend “his” money on frivolity rather than the child. I’m of the mind that since we don’t live far enough away from school for her to qualify for the bus, I SHOULD be entitled to at least enough back support to get a decent reliable car for her transportation to school and doc appointments and such.


tHAT WOULD have been super duper to know months ago. I mean, I checked the box for wanting retroactive support so if extra paperwork is required…WHY was I not informed of this sooner and given instructions on how to obtain required documentation?

Am I wrong to want retroactive support for my child? He left us four plus years ago, promised to pay the power bill, yet I had to grovel with an uncle who doesn’t even like me to “loan” me money to keep the power turned on. He ABANDONED US BOTH. While I may have too much stubborn pride to hold him responsible for anything as far as I am concerned…This is his third kid he’s failed to support and justifies it by saying he doesn’t have enough money or the mother is able to support the child and the kid wants for nothing…

He;s Canadian, he came to this country, is taking jobs from Americans, but can’t even once in almost five years mail his kid a birthday card or Christmas gift. Am I not entitled to my outrage????

Maybe the only saving grace in it all was I told R about and tonight, his wife called me and said she has next Friday off, would I like her to drive me there and stand beside me in court.


She (she;s on Cymbalta herself) understands my freakish anxiety attacks yet remains supportive and non judgmental. If she is willing to drive me, come in with me, and give me support…

Much as independent Morgue wants to berate herself for being so weak…

The Ovarian oompa loompas have arrived, the shrink doubled my Lithium, yet my Cymbalta has been lowered so much my knee pain is acting up again…

Someone objective present, and able to testify to how Spook and I have struggled financially and how her and R have helped…I’m thinking it’s  a good thing.

But what do I know, by tomorrow…I may be ready to impale my own head on a pike just to avoid all the panic this court thing is causing. I AM TERRIFIED.  oF THE donor and his smirking arrogance, of what he might say to impugn me, of just how seeing him and knowing how he’s failed Spook might deduce me to tears…

One last time…No matter the impression my rantings may have given anyone….

I swear on the sacred pegacorn this child support thing is about Spook and someone making her father do right by her.

I’ve come to terms with being less than zero and deserving fuck all for my mistake laden past. There’s no self pity, only me admitting how much I have learned about myself over the years.

Spook is ALL that matters.

Anyone, donor or not, tries to make it otherwise…is an idget and in the wrong.


Now…I am gonna go to sleep and guilt trip myself until it feels like my brain’s been pummeled by fists. All I ever wanted was to do right by my child and yet I am forced time and again to see her donor, who considers himself s much better than the rest of us, get off consequence free.

I chose him as my baby’s daddy because I bought all his lies.

It’s ultimately my fault and I should feel guilty.

Though to be honest…I’ve been here for her every day since she was born no matter what my problems are…

He hasn’t even tried, so where does he get off feeling so superior?

Maybe the Behavioral Analysis Unit of the FBI has a point….sociopaths and psychopaths have no conscience,.

It’s an explanation but not an absolution.

Every time Spook asks why her friends have a dad and she doesn’t…I just wanna get out the shovel and start skull bashing.

I won’t, as I am have not yet gone nuts.

But the desire….is soooooo there.

If anyone has any insights on this subject…whether you wanna say I am nuts or being unfair or whatever…Please do comment. All input is appreciated.

Even if you think you don’t have anything to say…Sometimes the statements that make the biggest impact are a few words tossed out.





8 Responses to “Whine with no cheese but lots of righteous indignation”

  1. I applied for Pro Bono legal aid to go after DB. Idgaf about his “needs” when he basically kicked us out because it’s his house and his name is on it.
    You are TOTALLY within your right at the custodial and primary parent to feel everything you feel towards him. I’m there right now. Rage, hatred, and raging anger are fueling ME-ESPECIALLY since he hasn’t taken care of less than $200 in med bills for BOTH kids and one dates back to 2014. If he’s gonna get my kids dismissed from their doctor he’s gotta another world of hurt coming. I am ready to do battle against him and he doesn’t know who he’s fucked with.
    You take Mrs R and you have her stand with you and support you and if she’s able to say anything about the struggles you’ve had, by GOD let her tell the judge. And you are absofuckinglutely right-its not about the moms and frivolity. It’s about making sure the KIDS have their basic needs covered.
    Bunch of ass clowns we picked. But they chose too and have to deal with their consequences. Stay strong and fuck him up yo. Just like Wednesday 13-FUCK

  2. What a horrible bastard, it’s all utterly unjust. At least Spook has one good parent who gets the priorities right.

  3. Unreal…just fucking unreal. I’m so glad that Mrs R. has volunteered to go to court with you. Moral support is huge.

    The only thing I can suggest is that you start writing a letter to read in court explaining your position. If you don’t have to speak off the cuff and can just read a paper it might be slightly easier for you.

    Big hugs xoxo

  4. I’m sorry you are going through this. There is nothing more frustrating and hurtful than to have your child’s other parent skate free. I know this from personal experience.
    I too could not afford a lawyer and the state attrny generals office makes zer0 effort to help me in any way. They are like a vortex, you send them information and you hear nothing back. You call them and they say you have to do xyz, so you do, and you hear nothing back.
    One thing I’ve found helpful though, is many attorneys would give me a “free consult” and I would tell them what is going on and ask how they would proceed and how much it would cost. Then I would explain I couldn’t afford it. After I got home, I would google how to do what they said they were going to do. I’ve met with about 5 different attorney’s and each one gave me just another little piece of the pie. It helps me advocate for myself.
    I imagine you could try this method to find out how to get the paperwork in order for requesting back support. It doesn’t have to be completed by a lawyer as many people represent themselves in court. I hope this helps.

    • I did my first divorce so I know not everything requires a lawyer. The problem here is that a particular document has to be presented to the judge with all the correct legal wording, etc. I’ve been to the state’s website, legal aid, no one seems to know what it’s called and they keep saying “get a lawyer”.
      Very frustrating to not even be able to get a name for the document needed. Otherwise, I would do it myself in a heartbeat. Unfortunately I only have one week to figure it out.
      The kicker? The hearing is on my birthday.
      I don’t need the tragic hate ball to tell me…it’s not likely gonna be a good one.

  5. Holy fuck… I don’t have anything insightful to say, just a similar story (mine didn’t end with a baby) and a boatload of empathy or sympathy or whichever the hell one means feeling for you without being piteous.
    Years ago, when I was an ice skater, I got taken for a ride by someone who sounds like he could have been your donor’s behavioural doppelganger, with the lies, the abandonment, OMG the way they tell it they always sound so great and when you hear about their exes, these bastards paint them as so unreasonable and you feel BAD for the evil bastard. I didn’t know that guy had a wife and child until his wife contacted me on Facebook about 2 weeks after the guy had abruptly stopped texting me, and she said, “Hi I’m *name’s* wife. I just want to know for definite that nothing happened between you and him.” I thought he was *the one* (and I don’t believe in that crap – I’ve never even told my husband that he is *the one,* that’s how much this guy had me thrown for a loop)… My whole world fell apart. I’d made so many excuses for his at times bizzarre behaviour… and even after she contacted me, I still found a way to blame myself. A friend of mine’s in a relationship with someone very similar, I tried to warn her, she thought I was being a bitch and won’t speak to me.
    Some people are just incalculable bastards and they fuck us over, they come across so amazing then they let you down when you need them. I am astounded that the courts can’t do anything to enforce child support. They should deport him.

  6. Our system sucks ass & that piece of $hit ‘donor thing’ that you refer to sucks both ass & COCK!! I’m so sorry Sissy! Mangoritas beer mugs n hugs!

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