Life In The Hellmouth

Oh I wish I could lay claim to coining hellmouth, but alas, it’s from the Buffy The Vampire tv series.

It describes this midwest armpit town very well.

It also applies to bipolar and anxiety. Living in the hellmouth indeed.

Yesterday morning shortly after my post…I got bitch slapped with a panxiety episode from hell. I just got so nervous, so paranoid, I couldn’t move from my spot on the bed. It felt, truly, like if I moved, something very bad would happen. It was like being paralyzed psychologically which transferred to the physical. In desperation I took 0.5 Xanax…And it kicked in within the hour. I finally got up off my butt to look out the front door…BAM.

My mood shot up instantly for a box sat on the steps, meaning my birthday boots from mom and sis had arrived. I haven’t had new truly awesome boots in four years so I was mega exited. Also scared they wouldn’t fit right or the picture on Amazon would turn ot to be better than the real deal. Nope. They feel great and make me feel like a pretty badass chick. And yes, those are spiky studs and I LOVE them.

my beauties

my beauties

Now because I mentioned it months back, I’m gonna toss up a pic of my badass skull jacket.

my coat

my coat

To complete the badass look…my coffin purse.

Digital Camera

Digital Camera

(And yes, that blue keychain says “bitch goddess”, it was a nickname and a gift from my best friend in high school and I loved him for bestowing such a regal title on me.)

Okay, enough of my showy telly stuff. Hope it all comes out, the new camera I got isn’t very fancy and we’re having problems getting a long anyway. WP preview showed it all coming out ok. Whatever.

So yeah, my birthday boots really cheered me up, the xanax helped with the panxiety and I got several things accomplished yesterday I’ve been putting off forever. Like moving the Magicjack to another computer. Clearing a shelf for all my boots so the cats can’t claw them to death. I even managed a shower.

Toward evening though, my mood crashed back down. Damn med adjustments have me playing “where’s waldo” with my own brain. Am I up? Down? Tired? Did I chew through the restraints and finally escape Rubber Ramada? How long is this gonna last?Is this the new norm, feeling up then down, panxious then brave? That’s the bitch of ever feeling good. It doesn’t stick and you’re splat facedown again. Better to never know it than keep losing it.

I texted R last night to ask for a favor cos once the temp dropped to thirty, I didn’t trust taking my car out after dark. He replied, “I shall see what I can do.”

He did nothing, didn’t even send an apology text. Rude. Maybe next time he wants something from me I’ll play that game, too. Except, as he constantly reminds me, I’m not as important and busy as he is. Blargh. Just proves if I want anything done reliably…I gotta count on myself. If I fail, I can at least mentally flog myself.

Today got off to a lethargic start. I was up and down all night, sinus drainage choking me. It was miserable. By alarm time, I told Spook to get up and get herself ready and I slept an extra fifteen minutes. Or lolled might be more accurate because I can remember her conversations with the cats and her imaginary friend Melissa. Got her to school. Car didn’t die once, and it doesn’t when the temp is over forty. This next week they are calling for temps in the teens. If R can’t figure out the problem, I’ll be lucky to get Spook to school on time even if I leave two hours early, considering how many times the car dies in the cold. Goatwhore.

(Yes, I’ve decided “goatwhore” is gonna be my new foul exclamation. Their music is foul enough to be a dirty word, anyway.)

In the category of “lazy but making an effort” mommy…Spook and I watched The Middle and Mike and Molly together yesterday. YES, PEOPLE, I DO LAUGH SOMETIMES. I truly relate to those parents on The Middle, where half the time they’re “phoning it in” as parents and they’re usually broke and stuff is busted…But they love their kids with all their hearts.

As for Mike and Molly…I don’t know, I just started watching it back in 2014. It’s a cute show. Makes me sad this will be the last season, and a partial one at that. Swoosie Kurtz as Molly’s mom is a riot. (Though Melissa McCarthy was soo much more awesome in The Heat, I mean, how could you not fall in love with that swearing?)

Tonight is the shindig at R’s. Once again, I find myself in “don’t make me go” space but I am gonna suck it up, if only for ham and beans and a glass of wine. And hope I can fake being social because truth is, I got nothing to say. I have been zoning out on people a lot lately and they are starting to notice and take it personally. Okay, so most of them bore me and maybe that is personal, but…Meh, wandering brain syndrome is all me.

In closing…to this living in the hellmouth thing, I wanna scream…GOATWHORE!!!!!!!!



17 Responses to “Life In The Hellmouth”

  1. And the crowd (Sass) chants: GOATWHORE! GOATWHORE! GOATWHORE!
    OOOOO! GOATWHORE in Hellmouth: The Not So Musical!

  2. Those boots are awesome. All hail the power of excellent stompies.

  3. All hail the bitch goddess with the morbid but fucking cool coffin purse!

  4. GOATWHORE is BRILLIANT!!! I might have to use that!! 😀

  5. LOVE the boots!

  6. Love love love the boots.

    I miss the Hellmouth and Buffy & Co

  7. GREAT FUCKING BOOTS!! LOVE THEM! I would totally wear those, if only they came in my size. (I have large feet.). Just imagine the sexiest man you ever saw, totally ROCKING size twelve, black studded boots and a purple tartan kilt. That’s me, after my billion arrives.

  8. Wow your boots, jacket and purse are epic! And I *wish* the Hellmouth (bipolar or geographical) came with Alyson Hannigan and Eliza Dushku. I would hang out with them muchly.

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