Losing My Mind

There are times I swear the people around me are trying to gaslight me. Yeah, paranoia and notions of persecution can accompany bipolar and anxiety issues. Just…how many times can your brain be batted around like a cat playing with a mouse,by those who supposedly love you, before it ceases to be mental instability and more “why are you fucking with my head?”

I talked to my dad tonight and I was gonna stay silent but…Not my strong suit. I asked what the point of the card addressed only to my kid was, to be rude.

He informed me it was done so Spook would receive a piece of mail all her own and feel special.

Well, gee, you stupidfucks, had you given me a heads up NONE of this anger and hurt on my side would have happened. I’d have totally been on board. But they don’t tell me shit and I am left to draw my own conclusions. Perhaps I am wrong to assume the worst, but after stepmonster hanging up on me last week…

Trust is not easy for me. Break it once, and I will forever view you as a rattlesnake out to strike and poison me.

It’s just so much bullshit. IF they’d just mentioned their intentions in passing…

But, nooo, let’s not say a word so Niki jumps to the wrong conclusion and acts all wonky, one more thing we can use against her when she cracks up and we can take Spook away.

Sound nuts, don’t I?

I don’t even know what I am anymore.  I’d about sell my soul for some lithium numbness right now. Because I seriously feel like these people are TRYING to do things to hurt or anger me so I respond incorrectly and look like an unfit parent. Why else keep secrets and slam down phones and criticize my parenting and send a card addressed only to my kid as if excluding me from the family?

Am I too sensitive? Maybe. Or maybe they’re just insensitive asshats with all the intelligence of a braindead rotting squid. Just give me a heads up, for fuck’s sake.

But hell, I’ve been battling their surprise visits for 15  years and no amount of “could ya call first” has done a damned bit of good. Just every weekend waiting for them to pop in at any given moment (usually when I am trying to cook). I even showed them a note from my doctor asking my former landlord to call before showing up due to the panic. And my own family can’t show that much empathy or respect.

Kinda makes me wonder why I even still give a fuck what they think.

Maybe because they adored the donor and thought he walked on water right til he walked out on Spook. I have little doubt they’d swing back to his favor were I unload my true feelings about them cos loyalty ain’t really a skill set my family has. It’s pretty much “kiss my ass or be shunned if not maligned.”

My biggest fear is anyone coming between me and my kid. And since apparently even in my own family’s eyes I am barely a fit parent…It’s a scary place to be. Could be bipolar distortion, hormones, helliday stress…

I don’t even give a fuck. I just want back on Lithium. Ha, words I never thought I’d say again. First thing I told the “new” shrink was, “Lithium, never again.” Hard to believe that was just eight or so months back. Now I’d cut out a kidney and donate it just to have some level headedness going on. It’s much harder for people to gaslight me, and unlikely for me to misconstrue, when the lithium is dampening all the spinning thoughts and anxieties and the screaming depression.

So, yeah…I would have totally been cool with the card thing if they’d given me a heads up. I don’t think it’s being unreasonable but therapy as already instilled in me..I will never get validation of any sort from these people I have blood ties to. It’s not in them.

My spine has started to ache,. viva cramps. And genius me, I agreed to go help Mrs R clean her house tomorrow. She has an outfit for Spook for XChristmas and she said after we clean, she’ll send me home with a big bottle of velvet red wine. Which I will most definitely need for X-mas eve. I can’t bail now and she said it’s okay to bring my kid long as she will stay out of the way. I’ll let her play on my tablet, that will occupy her five minutes. But mom and them are busy, busy, busy with the move and shopping so what am I gonna do. Oh, shark week, just give me another day or two before you attack with the snapping spinal pain and doubling over ovary squeezes…

(Which reminds me- I HAVE to get back on Lithium for I will be pms-y for the child support hearing next month and the way the donor and his lies trigger me…NOOOOO.)

I did fuck all today. Well, I fixed spaghetti for supper. Bathed spawn and myself. We put up a small tree. She was only semi auto Uzi child today so I’m not melting down like I was last night.

I am not remotely prepared for Xmas eve. Haven’t even seen mom’s new house yet. (Going to unfamiliar addresses for the first time freaks me out.) I need to wrap their pictures of Spook (yeah, they all contributed to buy them but uh, I bought frames, you barely deserve that  much, ass goblins.) No doubt all the non family bums will be there.

Which I got to hear allll about today when I talked to my mother. How “B” has been so helpful to her and my sis, doing laundry and helping pack and move and blah blah blah…It’s not jealousy, at all. It’s just “don’t turn down my help then praise someone else as a saint and try to make me feel bad.”

I got a burning stress stomach ache earlier. Thinking about the holidays. Cos I mentioned how stepmonster was kinda being shitty to me and mom snarked, “See, you should have sided with your real mom, I’d never turn on you.”

Um…she called me a fucking bitch in front of my kid.

I shut her down and said, “I didn’t choose sides because it wasn’t my divorce and I won’t have my kid put in the middle the way I’ve always been.”

She didn’t hang up on me at least.

If you want an idea of just how crippled I am by the depressive inertia and anxiety…I have an Amazon gift card and a Walmart gift card and could easily shop from home…But I don’t feel like I will have the clarity needed to choose wisely until AFTER I survive this family shindig. At this moment I might be tempted to order a chainsaw and have it overnighted. (J/k, chainsaws terrify me.)

I will breathe Thursday night once it’s all over.

I can’t even wrap my brain around the holidays being anything but stressful. Not because of money but because of my ass trash family and all the tension and “mom v dad” and “who spends the most loves Spook the most”.  This shit sucks.

What would be the best thing ever for my relationship with my family would be me and Spook moving far far away then flying into once a year to visit at the holidays. Limited contact. Absence makes the heart grow fonder. Stop drinking the poison, don’t get ill.

Cleaning first thing in the morning. Was I stoned on Restoril when I agreed to that?

Just think of the yummy anxiety numbing wine, Morgue.

Don’t judge me.

7 Responses to “Losing My Mind”

  1. You shouldn’t give a fuck what any of them think. They don’t respect your fucking boundaries so to he’ll with them. I respect you. Good on you to see the truth in your actions.

  2. I call bullshit. They could send Spook a card “all for her” and sent you one all for yourself.

  3. My mother has been a thorn in my side all my life. Always pushing my buttons and then acting all surprised when I got upset. And then going a step further and accusing me of being mean and unappreciative and rude. Of course, this always sent me into a downward spiral. I’ve been disowned multiple times. I cancelled my wedding 4 times while planning with her because of this button pushing she does that always seems to end in everything being because I’m a bitch.

    All of a sudden, like within the last few months, she’s become quiet and kind and super appreciative of any and everything I do. It’s making me wonder if she’s dying and doesn’t want to say anything. I think it’s just that my parents are a lot older now, they just watched my grandfather die, they’re watching my grandmother fade away and she’s suddenly realizing that if she wants these relationships, she better start getting a grip.

    Of course, now I’m completely uncomfortable, because she’s showing all this love, and I’m soooo not used to that.

    Every time I read your posts about your parents I feel like you must be my soul sister. It’s crazy how the people who are supposed to love us the most are the ones who make us the craziest because they don’t show that love. There are all kinds of rationalizations that I have come up with over the years, but the bottom line is they should accept us for who we are and not who they wish we would be or could be.

    Major prayers for strength coming your way to get you through these holidays. ❤

  4. FUCK them! It does kinda sound a bit like gaslighting. But if not it at least seems like they know how to push your buttons n get off on your reaction. (at least the stepbitch). It’s bad enough they’re *SHE’S* being that way to you, but for shits sake don’t FUCK with a little kids mind while tormenting you. UGH to say they disgust me is a fuckin understatement! !!!!!!!!

    • Maybe it’s my writer’s imagination, I’ve read/seen too many stories about spouses/family members taking advantage of someone’s mental illness to get the upper hand…
      But my trust issues were EARNED, which is something I wish the “professionals” could grasp. Instead, cos they can’t fathom such shitty family, I look like the nutjob.
      Imbalanced doesn’t make me wrong.

  5. This begs the question, why didn’t they send you a separate card???

  6. “Oh. Um. Sorry, no offense intended.”
    “MMmmmm hmmmm. Wellll thanks fucking shitloads for not letting me in on your plan to make my daughter feel special, it made me feel pretty un-special.”

    No, you’re in the right here, they should have told you the plan.

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